From the desk of George W Bush

A look at the world of tomorrow!

2006-06-30T18:06:00.000-04:00

From the Desk of George W Bush is on hiatus until further notice. In the meantime, enjoy this look into the future.
Wikipedia Article, July 15, 2097: The Bush administration

The Bush adminstration of the early 21st Century was notable for many things. Chief among them was that during its first term, the leadership contained the rare triple header of "Bush, Dick and Colin", a feat of swearing not topped until the 2024 Buttcrack-R.Sole adminstration.

The key figures of this administration were:

President George W Bush
The son of a former President who blew chunks over the Japanese Prime Minister, George Walker Bush was born in Connecticut, but raised in Texas, a childhood later fictionalised in "Walker: Texas Ranger". He attended Yale and Harvard, may have taken drugs, completed a stint in the National Guard, avoiding the controversy of serving in Vietnam, and, during the later years of his service, the controversy of servingn in the National Guard.

He ran a baseball side, during which he not only traded away Sammy Sosa, but attempted to appoint Charlie Brown as pitcher and Linus as catcher. He then entered the now defunct role of governor of Texas (a sort of 20th Century Grand Poobah) and in 2000 ran for President.

His election victory was among the most controversial in history, but he was eventually declared the winner after a 4-3 up and down vote of the Fox News board. Among the highlights of his first time in office was his reading of "The Pet Goat" to a group of Florida schoolchildren in 2001, an event which captured spectacular media coverage and was eventually turned into a motion picture by Sir Michael Moore.

That same year, he launched the war in Afghanistan, at the time erroneously referred to as the War on Terror. That war, like the later ones during his administration in Iraq and Finland, was later seen as the result of a panic caused when nobody in the adminstration was able to find "Terror" on GoogleMaps.

Largely regarded as a caretaker President who made no significant impact on the economy, foreign policy, social security, trade, civil rights, military, political, environmental or health policies of the United States, Bush retired in 2008, giving way to the adminstration of 'Survivor' host Jeff Probst.

His political aspirations not done, Bush served briefly as Prime Minister of Canada during 2009, before a controversial appearance on Biggest Loser/Amazing Race spin-off "You're fat, get out of my country!" opened Bush to the world of television. In 2011, he purchased the multi-million dollar George Foreman Grill company and renamed it "George Bush grills", also amending the slogan from "Knock out the Fat" to "Amend the Fat". He ran that company unsuccesfully until he passed away from a Reticulated Spline during the Sim City Wars of 2021. He was survived by his second wife and former Secretary of Defence, Jenna Jameson.

Vice President Dick Cheney
After appintments from 1969 onwards, under the "evil" Nixon regime, Dick Cheney's political held a number of positions in the years that followed, including special assistant to the Director of the OEO, White House staff assistant, assistant director of the Cost of Living Council, Deputy Assistant to the President, and the missionary position.

Under President Gerald Ford, Cheney the youngest White House Chief of Staff in history, which promptly ended. He was campaign manager for Ford's 1976 presidential campaign, later switching alleigiance to Gerald Ford after it became obvious the car model could not win. Cheney served as the Secretary of Defense under President George H. W. Bush, a difficult position to work from which resulted in large footprints ingrained into the skin on his back.

He left politics to use his powers of evil in a role with Halliburton, and then returned when his search for a Vice-President for George w Bush found himself. During the first term in office, he carried out his sacred duty of having a heart-attack, and began the process of Cybernetic augmentation which would eventually result in a post-apocalyptic earth ruled by robots.
During the second term, he shot some guy.

After retiring from politics, Cheney became more machine than man, and eventually travelled back in time to try to kill his own grandfather. However, he missed and killed a duck instead - a mistake which led to the deletion of the colour aquamarine from the human visual cortex.

Colin Powell
After a distinguished military career, Powell became Reagan's National Security advisor from 1987 to 1989, much to the surprise of Reagan. He served as head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, founded several charities, and once ate a whole pizza in seven minutes. In 2000, he helped George Bush campaign, and was appointed the first non-fictional African-American Secretary of State.

Widely perceived as moderate, but with a funny first name, Powell came under fire following the decision to go to war in Iraq for having convinced the UN to ignore everything he said and allow America to take unilateral action against a foreign power. He described it as a blot on his record, one which would only be topped by a forgettable stint as host of Saturday Night Live.

He announced his resignation in September 2004, and began to pursue solo projects. The man widely tipped as America's first African-American President instead went on to become America's first African-American host of Jeopardy. (The Presidential honor, of course, going to President Danny Glover, whose campaign slogan of "I'm too old for this shit" is still ranked among the best ever).

He disappeared in 2014 during the commercial break prior to Final Jeopardy, and has not been seen since.

Condaleezza Rice
Dr Rice replaced Colin Powell in 2004, after a succesful stint as National Security Advisor in a period where very little happened. She was widely succesful as Secretary of State, building bridges internationally across relationships which were damaged by the war in Iraq and a particularly contentious referee decision during the closing minutes of the 2007 Orange Bowl.

Despite her protestations she wasn't interested in the Presidency, she reluctantly mounted a campaign in 2008, eventually taking over from Geena Davis on Commander in Chief. The show was put on hiatus later that year, and was eventually retooled to return without Dr Rice's involvement in "Girls Gone Wild: Commander in Chief".

In 2011, Dr Rice was controversially discovered to actually be constructed of sentient rice, a development which retroactively made her only the second grass-based staple to serve at a senior cabinet level.

Donald Rumsfeld
Having walked the earth since biblical times, Rumsfeld took on the role of Secretary of Defence (and during the 2007-8 cool period, Secretary of DFENZ) during the Bush adminstration. He drew strong criticism for his lead role in the war in Iraq, and also his tendency to bite photographers. Rumsfeld was considered an early contender for the Presidency in 2012, but inexplicably dropped dead when the Mayan calendar ran out on December 21.

John Ashcroft
After serving as Attorney-General during Bush's first term, Ashcroft went on to win four Grammies in 2009, and was on the verge of becoming the highest selling music superstar of all time before a tragic plane crash saw him live out his days only able to converse in Swedish.

Al Gonzales
He took over from Ashcroft as Attorney-General, but ultimately found unfavourable audience reviews, and the position within the government was "rested" in 2007. As of today, it is still yet to reappear. Gonzales whereabout remain unknown.

Optimus Prime
Became National Security Advisor in 2008, and looked set to serve out the remainder of the Bush administration, and was widely tipped as his successor, before a misunderstanding saw him fired tragically into the centre of the sun - a series of events which eventually led to the Megatron-Starscream Presidency of 2016-2084.

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Amend the fat!
GWB

Putting the 'mental' back into 'environmental'

2006-04-20T22:01:00.000-04:00

I'm proud to join Steve Johnson in honoring young Americans who have given time, energy and copious amounts of biological fluids to help make this country a better place, and hopefully one day get laid at a party by saying they've met the President.

We're really glad you're here. You're serving as young stewards, stewardesses and hookers dressed as stewardesses of the environment, which means you're setting a good example for what it means to be a citizen. Not a citizen of the United States, where we don't really believe in all that environmental crap. Maybe somewhere like Brazil - those ethanol driving hippies.
It's like what we call citizenship inaction. And you're helping make America a wonderful place, or at least reducing the damage I and my administration are doing.

I want to thank all the administrators from the EPA who are here, but I particularly want to thank Steve and Debbie for joining us, and for that unforgettable evening of passion from which I still have the carpet burn. We're here to honor 49 young Americans who are helping to protect the natural heritage of our country in non-significant ways which don't draw attention to the failings of government to ratify the Kyoto protocol or prevent drilling in Alask. I appreciate the fact that you're setting good examples, in terms of science, if not in terms of bodily hygeine and by doing what you're doing you're showing people how to lead and how to be a responsible citizen, but not how to dress or bathe.

I appreciate the rain gardens that were built in places like Massachusetts and Michigan, to catch runoff and prevent it from polluting local rivers and streams, leaving that responsibility solely to big businesses avoiding their obligations because the government doesn't enforce its policies. In New York, folks here have organized volunteers to stencil warnings near neighborhood sewers, and have been eaten by giant rats and alligators which reside under the city. That's a good way to help protect the environment, or protect us from environmentalists, isn't it?

In Pennsylvania, folks here built an environmental demonstration house to showcase environmental products and technologies, and to reenact some of the best scene from the 90s Pauly Shore classsic Biodome. It makes a lot of sense to showcase new technologies, but less to showcase Pauly Shore movies. After all, technologies are going to help change the world in a positive way so that we can be good stewards of the environment, whereas Pauly Shore is merely going to keep 'weezing the juice'.

As a matter of fact, a part of the technological revolution that we're pushing hard here is to change the way we drive our automobiles. Part of that push is so that we can literally be back-seat drivers, but as well, one of these days we're going to have what they call hybrid plug-in batteries, in the same way that we now have alien-human hybrids. You'll be able to drive your car for the first 40 miles on electricity, much as Superman travelled through electrical currents during his brief reinvention which ultimately proved unsucessful, although the costume was quite cool.

This does a couple of things. One, it helps to improve the environment, but it also makes us less dependent on oil, and it reminds us of the major mistakes made by DC Comics in the 90s, and that they may be continuing today. One of my hopes is that one of these days the cars you drive won't be using any oil, but will be using hydrogen as a way to protect the environment, and return oil to its rightful place as an elitist commodity and breakfast cereal covering. So those of you who are working on new technologies, thanks. It's a smart thing to do. That's exactly what this government needs to be doing more of, as well, and will be doing more of, once a new administration with a clear environmental strategy, instead of vague promises, takes over.

I'm proud to welcome folks from Georgia, and your club called "The Creek Freaks". When I first heard the name, I thought it might be like a band or something, rather than the Republican National Convention? (Laughter.) I don't know if you know this, but we've increased the wetlands by a half-a-million acres over two years, and that's just in New Orleans with our poor management of Hurricane Katrina

In Arkansas you've cleared trash into your trailerparks and developed projects to stabilize the banks of a local stream. Thanks for coming, welcome. If you happen to get close to Texas, tell them, "hello." And that they owe me five bucks.

In Missouri, you restored a portion of a park adjacent to a school to a native prairie, robbing children of their play area and allowing the school to be infested with snakes. Nice one.
In Alaska, you built a grated wall that provides access to a local creek, and finely sliced cheese with which to top your lasagna or other pasta-based dishes. That makes sense, you know. People ought to be allowed to have access to nature, but you want to do it in a way that protects the environment, by putting it behind glass.

It's one of the reasons why I proposed that we spend $5 billion on making sure that the maintenance issues in our national parks are improved, and we're on the way to making sure that happens, even if we have to actually allocate that money. I believe in national parks, and I believe people ought to have access to national parks. Unless they're going to use them to establish freaky communities like in the movie 'The Village'.

In California, eight-year-olders here launched a composting and recycling effort called, "The Wonderful Weird World of Worms." That's kind of hard for me to say. I always pronounce it Cal-EE-forn-ya.

Got some folks from Utah that built a hybrid land speed racer which he drives to school and races at the nearby salt flats to raise awareness about alternative fuel vehicles, and underage driving. There's another alterative fuel that we need to use in our vehicles, and that's ethanol. I don't know if you study that in your schools, but it's possible to make fuel for automobiles from corn. Or corn from the fuel in your automobiles. Actually, I don't think it works in reverse. Which would make it hard when parking.

But we're close to some breakthroughs, some technological breakthroughs that will enable us to make ethanol from wood chips and compost. Not that any of that matters, because we're not building cars which run on ethanol, so we'll just end up with a whole bunch of ethanol, and no compost.

It makes sense to drive our cars from agricultural products, doesn't it, as opposed to oil? That's why throughout my administration, we've never taken any action to secure oil reserves in foreign nations or violate environmental protocols to mine for it within the United States.

Never ever.

But we are going to have to go to war with Nebraska,

GWB

ACI - The Tribe has Spoken

2006-04-19T01:29:00.000-04:00

Here's the question that faces the country: Will we become a nation that is isolationist and fearful of competition from around the world, or will be we continue to be a bold and innovative country? Like an episode of Survivor, we're faced with the choice, stick with our alliance, or try to actually win the game. And we all know what happens on Survivor. And by the way, why don't they ever go anywhere cold? I mean, I love a perv as much as the next President, unless that's the previous President, but after 11 seasons, you'd think they could go somewhere cold.

We've got a good economy right now. And now we don't. That's the volatility of the stockmarket for you.

Our economy is growing at rapid paces - why the national debt alone is growing exponentially every year. There's a lot of new jobs being added to job figures, randomly so as not to provoke suspicion, and productivity is high, as are many of our workers. People are owning and losing their homes. The fundamental question is: How do we make sure that that's the case next year, five years, and 10 years from now.

I think a change in Presidency may be the answer. Or Liquid Nitrogen.

As you know, Hu Jintao is coming to Washington on Thursday. It's a very important visit. He still hasn't returned my complete DVD collection of the Six-Million Dollar Man. China is a very important strategic friend in many ways, and an enemy in many more, and in many ways they pose competition to us, and in others, a sort of pre-adolescent love interest.

China's a growing economy. They've got folks that are beginning to realize the benefits of a marketplace, and also the tourism potential of an entire nation of Chinatowns.

We can either look at China and say, let's compete with China in a fair way, or say, we can't compete with China and therefore kind of isolate ourselves from the world. I went with option C - don't compete with China fairly, and don't isolate ourselve (although we are starting to smell).
I tell our people we shouldn't fear the future. There'll be jet-packs and robots you can have sex with. What's so bad about that? (Until the Robot Wars, anyway?) What we ought to do is shape the future. We ought to be in charge of our future. And the best way to do so is to impose a totalitarian regime which limits thought, action and language and monitors your every actions with Closed-Circuit Video Cameras and wire taps. But while we're working on that, we need to make sure that we're the most innovative country in the world by ignoring Japan, and the world's larger need for robotic dogs and soccer-players.

We have been the most innovative country in the world for the past decades of the 30s, 60s and maybe some of the 80s, and that has helped raise our standard of living. We need to always be on the leading edge of technological change and stuff that can be sold in Sharper Image stores. We need to be the center of research, development and industrial espionage.

And so here are two ideas that I intend to work with Congress on to make sure that we're still the technological capital of the world outside of Japan, and probably some parts of Germany (isn't that ironic?) One is that we must increase federal support for vital basic research.

I don't know whether you realize this or not, but the Internet began as a Defense Department project to improve military communications. And it was actually done under the leadership of Al Gore, who really did help create the internet. The iPod, interestingly enough, was built on years of government-funded research in microdrive storage and electrochemistry and signal compression. And now it's being used to listen to Ashlee Simpson songs. What a waste of money.
In other words, investment at the federal level in research has led to practical applications which improve the lives of our citizens, and find new ways to give them cancer. And so I proposed to the Congress that we double the federal commitment to the most critical basic research programs in physical sciences over the next 10 years - the iPod nano.

A second thing we can do is recognize that most research and development takes place in the private sector. That about $200 billion a year is spent or embezzled under the guise of private sector research. In other words, we've got some of the leading companies in our country doing research as to how to develop new products that will make sure that not only their company and their shareholders benefit, but that it ends up in order to the benefit of the United States. And failing, because its still cheaper to make and research stuff in Asia.

One way to encourage people to invest and embezzle corporate funds is through the research and development tax credit. In other words, it's a use of the tax code to say, this is in your interest, your corporate interest to invest so that your product line remains modern so that your scientists that work for your company are able to have funds necessary to continue to think anew. Because it's not like companies have any incentives to actually develop and market products now. I mean, has Microsoft really made any money from the Windows research they did?

The problem we have in America is that the research and development tax credit expires on an annual basis. Actually, the real problem we have is economic mismanagement, high rates of public apathy and a government not willing to actually do anything. But instead of fixing that, we'll just make it easier for researchers to get away with stuff by only checking up on them every five to ten years.

And thirdly, and one of the reasons we're here, is to make it clear to the American people that in order for us to be competitive, we've got to make sure that our children have got the skill, or alternatively the breast implants, necessary to compete for the jobs of the 21st century. We live in a global world, as compared to a local world, and that creates uncertainty in some, particularly those who believe those old maps with "Here be dragons" on them.There's a sense of, well, the world is so big and so connected that maybe we're really not in charge of things here. It's like the Matrix. What if it's being run by robots, or a weird bearded architect guy who attempts to explain the whole plot in the last five minutes and just ends up confusing everyone. Like me, but without the beard.

In a global economy, for example, if our children do not have the skill sets or breast implants for the jobs of the 21st century, the jobs, and the porn directors are going to go somewhere else. And it's a fact of life. It takes Diff'rent Strokes.

It's a part of the real world, and the fictional world of 70s sitcoms, that we have to deal with. It's a lot different from the 1950s, for example, although the world of Happy Days did make it surprisingly relevant.

In the 50s, there wasn't that sense of global competition, but there was still corruption, nepotism, economic mismanagement and the use of propaganda and xenophobia to further an unpopular agenda.

And that was just on I Love Lucy.

GWB

Champions of the Nigerian Civil Aviation Authority (NCAA)

2006-04-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

It's an honor to welcome outstanding athletes and benchwarmers of the NCAA to the White House. I welcome the athletes, their coaches and their dealers. We offer our congratulations, and we're thrilled to call you national champs, and assholes behind your back.

I'd like to say Champions Day is also National Student Athlete Day. It's a chance for us to honor those who excel on the field, as well as those in the classroom. Mainly on the field, because those in the classroom are nerds, and, barring the occasional teen romantic/gross-out comedy, are doomed to obscurity, untold riches and high-priced hookers.

Today is the day we recognize that millions have competed in the NCAA, but only a few become champs. If millions became champs, there'd be something wrong with our league system, or we'd have a population so ridiculously big that we could dedicate millions of our youths to playing second-tier sports competitions.

And that would be stupid.

The first champs we honor are the mighty Florida Gators ably coached by Billy Donovan, and, unfortunately containing no actual gators.

I want you all to recognize that the Gators started the season with 17 wins in a row, and they ended with 11 in a row -- the most important 11 wins of the season, especially for those of us with money on them and Organized Crime families on our backs.

We have three teams today from the great state of Maryland. Perhaps one theme of Champion's Day is: Fear the Turtle - which ironically is how Laura describes my time in the bedroom.

I want to welcome Brenda Frese and the University of Maryland Women's Basketball Team. They are the NCAA's newest national champions. Less than 48 hours ago they were cutting down the nets in Boston, demonstrating once and for all that women do not know how to actually play basketball. But they sure look cute in those shorts. We welcome you here. We marvel at your dramatic overtime win, and the surprising size of some of your hands. Not that we're implying anything, and we thank you for being such fantastic athletes.

We also welcome the University of Maryland Field Hockey Team. These women were the number one seed in the NCAA tournament, and they won the NCAA championship. Plus, they're hot, and they wear short skirts. It probably gave you a special delight to be able to beat your arch rival, Duke, even though an entire women's hockey team against one royal seems unfair. Unless that royal was me. You girls can play on me anytime.

We want to welcome Sasho Cirovski's University of Maryland Men's Soccer Team. The men's soccer team won its first national championship in almost 40 years after they realised you couldn't pick up the ball. I thought it was interesting that on Times Square, the NASDAQ ticker displayed a message that said, "Go Terps," in honor of the soccer team. At least, it was interesting, until some unwise investing in Terps led to the collapse of a small Pacific Island economy.

I want to welcome the University of Portland Women's Soccer Team. Portland came to celebrate the championship here in the year 2003, and again in 2004, even though they didn't win. In 2005, they went to Cancun, which was probably better.
I think one of them said to herself, you know, we'll be back, but I'm not sure if old George W. is going to make it. You're back, and so am I, demonstrating that you don't actually have to achieve anything to end up at the White House.

I wish I was in Cancun.

I appreciate the fact that the Pilots dominated the season. They did not lose a single game. I appreciate what Father Beauchamp said -- he's the university president -- "They are Portland's team. They brought us together as a community, even as the gambling, sex scandals and embezzlement of our university president tried to tear use apart."

Jerry Schumacher of the University of Wisconsin Men's Cross Country Team is with us today. (Applause.) For three years in a row, Wisconsin finished second in the NCAA championships. This year, they broke the pattern, and they come to the White House as national champs. I preferred the other guys from the last three years, but, you know, congratulations.

I welcome Peter Tegen and the Stanford Women's Cross Country Team. They didn't win anything, Peter just brought them as his date.

Only kidding - Stanford won its second women's cross country national championship in the past three years. Lauren Centrowitz is with us. She asked me not to mention her name, and so I won't.

Her dad, Matt, won a national cross country championship of his own in 1977, something Lauren could only achieve as part of a team. The daughter and the dad on national cross country championship teams -- there's nothing better than someone following in a famous father's footsteps. Except for sweet, sweet candy.

Jim McLaughlin and the University of Washington Women's Volleyball Team is here. Congratulations to the Huskies, and I think that description is a little unfair. These women won their first national championship in school history. They weren't supposed to win. They were the underdog. They had low expectations. The entire competition was rigged, and they were supposed to go down in the fourth. But they didn't, and now they're on the run from the mob. Take good care of their children.

Now we've got the University of Auburn Men's and Women's Swimming and Diving Teams. Coach David Marsh is with us, both the men's swimming and diving teams earned national championships. That's rare to do. I know I've never done it. I doubt you have. Except for you David. It kind of says that, in a year of swimming, this is the year of War Eagle, which, ironically can't swim. I want you all to know that the women's swimming team kindly brought me a costume. Awfully thoughtful of you, but I'm not going to wear it. Not until I get a bikini wax anyway.

I welcome the University of Colorado Ski Team, under Richard Rokos. (Applause.) This is a coed team. The Colorado ski team's motto was "One team, one goal," which makes it lucky you weren't a basketball team. Your coach is an interesting story. He escaped communist Czechoslovakia and he's a proud American coaching a wonderful group of athletes towards communism and skiing.

The United States Military Academy Men's Rifle Team is with us. Thank god, because otherwise they could kill us. Congratulations to you. If you happen to be walking around and run into the Vice President you might give him a few pointers. Or just duck.

The thing I like about these teams is they're not only great athletes, but they also are champs off the field. Except for the ones who take lots of drugs and have promiscuous sex with cheerleaders. They're super champs in my opinion.

Florida basketball players spent Thanksgiving morning serving hot meals at a local shelter - often from the three-point line. The Maryland basketball players raised money to support breast cancer research, which they, at least in my fantasies, then conducted themselves. The Maryland field hockey players worked as counselors in summer camps for girls, serving as mentors, and again, in my fantasies, as so much more.

The Maryland soccer players helped the school canned food drive by taking up soccer instead of kick the can. The Portland soccer players arranged for the university to donate money for hurricane relief for every goal the team scored, which, being soccer, raised eleven dollars. The Wisconsin cross country runners participated in the Frost Bite road race to raise money for the local YMCA, where you can have a good meal and hang out with all the boys.

The Stanford cross country team visited schools in East Palo Alto to talk about the importance of education and staying off drugs, and instead learned the fun of staying off education and the importance of drugs. The Washington volley ball players visited children in hospital, whom they defeated in straight sets. The Auburn swimmers helped raise funds for hurricane relief by taking bribes to lose. The Colorado skiers participated in the Read with the Buff Program in elementary schools, accidentally misreading it as Read in the Buff, which actually raised more money.

What I'm telling you is we've not only got fine athletes with us, we've got fine Americans with us.
Because they're good at sport. And nobody likes a fattie,
GWB

Iraq: Reloaded

2006-03-21T22:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I delivered the second in a series of speeches on the situation in Iraq, or as I like to think of it, the first speech:Reloaded. Only without all that crap with the Architect at the end, and with more of that hot French chick and Trinity. Yowzah!

I spoke about the violence that the Iraqi people had faced since last month's bombing of the Golden Mosque in Samarra, and the release of Xbox 360. I also said that for every act of violence there is encouraging progress in Iraq that's hard to capture on the evening news, but surprisingly easy to capture in "Iraq's Funniest Home Videos".

Yesterday I spoke about an important example of the gains we and the Iraqis (who aren't trying to blow us up) have made, and that is in the northern cities of Tal Afar and Tel Avision. These citis, once under the control of al Qaeda and the WB, are, thanks to coalition, Iraqi forces and the fact that al Qaeda has never been in Iraq to begin with, under our control. The terrorists and network executives have now been driven out of those cities, accompanied by the strains of banjoes and chased by hillbillies brandishing pitchforks on the back of trucks.

Iraqi security forces are maintaining Law and Order and several other police procedurals, including the underrated The Closer. We see the outlines of a free and secure Iraq, and the chalk outlines of those who couldn't see it. As we mark the third anniversary of the launch of Operation Iraqi Freedom, the success we're seeing in Tal Afar and Tal Avision gives me confidence in the future of Iraq, but not in the future of network programming.

Terrorists haven't given up; they're tough-minded, they like to kill, they feel there homeland has been invaded by an oppressive foreign power which has done nothing but steal their oil and attach electrodes to their genitals. There's going to be more tough fighting ahead, both inside and outside the Hell in a Cell cage. No question that sectarian and secratarian violence must be confronted by the Iraqi government and a better-trained police force, preferably one with access to big name guest stars. Yet we're making progress, and that's important for the American people to understand.

Backwards, yes, but at least we're moving.

We're making progress because we've got a strategy for victory, which is to win, and we're making progress because the men and women of the United States military are showing magnificent courage and they're making important sacrifices as part of some bizarre voodoo ritual that has brought Iraq to an historic moment -- the Battle of Waterloo.

Now Iraq's leaders must take advantage of the opportunity, and not of their interns as has been the case thus far. I was encouraged by the announcement Sunday that the Iraqi leaders have reconciled their differences and look forward to working together on future projects, even if we all know that's really PR speak for divorce.

The situation in Iraq is much like that of Nick and Jessica, and like that, it is obvious that the hot, sexy, but dim-witted faction will ultimately triumph over the eminently forgettable faction which used to be part of something with a little bit of power, but lost out when it formed a secret alliance outside of the relationship.

Now, if you'll all join me in picturing Iraq in a pink bikini, washing a car, I think you'll get what I mean.

GWB

Three years on - Mission still accomplished!

2006-03-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

This morning I had a phone call with our ambassador to Iraq. He didn't understand the different time-zones. Or maybe he was drunk, because he kept saying he loved me and wanted me back. And you know, a part of me wanted to take him back to. But not after what he did to me.

The ambassador informed me of the progress that the Iraqis are making in forming a unity government, if not two, three or more unity governments. I encouraged the Iraqi leaders to continue to work hard to get this government up and running, but because I was talking to the ambassador, they didn't hear me.

The Iraqi people voted for democracy last December, although given that no other method of government was present on the ballot, one could argue that it wasn't really a democratic vote. 75 percent of the eligible citizens went to the polls to vote, or at least pick up a sausage and get their thumbs painted with indelible ink, which is something we can all sympathise with.

Now the Iraqi leaders are working together to enact a government that reflects the will of the people in the Iraqi government and US oil concerns. I'm encouraged by the progress, and by a Rob Schneider-like character who keeps yelling out "You can do it!". The ambassador was encouraged also, but from his it sounded a little bit pathetic and patronising, and in the end, when he won the "Most Improved" prize, it really didn't surprise anyone.

Today, as well, marks the third anniversary of the beginning of the liberation of Iraq, a process that continues to this day. And it's a time to reflect, especially if you're in Iraq and you can reflect bullets. And this morning, our reflections were upon the sacrifices of the men and women who wear our uniform, often without our permission, and then don't wash it afterwards before they give it back. And would it kill them to wear some underwear?

Ours is an amazing nation where thousands have volunteered to serve our country, purely as a result of the economic repression and poor educational establishments which make military service the only avenue for escaping the ghetto and/or slum. Many volunteered after 9/11, knowing full well that their time in the military could put them in harm's way, especially with an incompetent Commander-in-Chief who would declare at least one too many wars.

So, on this third anniversary, the beginning of the liberation of Iraq, I think all Americans should offer thanks and their first-born to the men, women and closet transexuals who wear the uniform or a sexier homage to the uniform, and their families who support them and keep them in lingerie.

We are implementing a strategy that will lead to victory in Iraq, or at least develop a stronger ignorance of our failures and losses. And a victory in Iraq will make this country more secure, much as the resolution to a Woody Allen film shows him confronting his own insecurites, and will help lay the foundation of peace for generations to come, much as Woody Allen did by marrying his own daughter.

And to anyone who's complaining about how the war's taking so long - hey, my campaign platform was "Four more years!"

GWB

Fakes! Why did they have to be fakes?

2006-03-16T18:35:00.000-05:00

In a few moments, I will sign a bill that protects the hard work of American innovators, strengthens the rule of law, and helps keep our families and consumers safe. Then I'm going to take that bill, roll it up real tight, turn that sommabitch sideways and shove it straight up your candy ass!

Sorry, little bout of Wrestlemania fever there.

The Stop Counterfeiting in Manufactured Goods Act, of SCMGA for short, has earned broad support - the broads love it, especially its liberal use of capitalisation. And I want to thank all those who helped get this bill passed for being here today, and all of those who tried to stop it for staying away, lest we have another "Rumble in the Lincoln Room". I want to thank the lawmakers from both political parties for getting this piece of legislation to this desk, an arduous task made more difficult by the fact that the paper's really heavy, and the desk keeps moving. Frankly, it ended up looking like the opening of Indiana Jones for a while there. Especially with the snakes.

Why did there have to be snakes?

This economy of ours is strong, it's getting stronger, like an unwanted erection during an address to the nation. We grew at 3.5 percent last year, and I'm not just talking about the economy. Who knew they had best girls, and that they were so hot? But I disgress. People are buying and gambling away homes, the small business sector is strong while still maintaining its cuteness, productivity is up and so am I. Our country is productive, it's innovative, it's entrepreneurial, and it's prone to exaggeration about how good it is.

One of the problems we have is that people feel comfortable, at times, in trying to take a shortcut to success in the business world, when everyone knows you can only do that in the political world, or if your daddy's rich. They feel like they can copy existing products, instead of designing their own, and for the most part, they can. Except they can't spell Rolex. It's an 'r' and only one 'l'.

In order to keep this economy innovative, entrepreneurial and oppressive to people who aren't already rich, it's important for us to enforce law, and if the laws are weak, pass new laws or rebuild them a la Robocop. We need to make sure that the problem of counterfeiting, which has been growing rapidly, is held in check by a super-steel cop from the future who touching learns of humanity in an ultra-violent city of sin, or face lesser sequels and spin-offs.

Counterfeiting costs our country hundreds of billion dollars a year, and we don't even know if those dollars are real or fake. It has a lot of harmful effects in our economy, which is why we're thinking about Surgeon-General's warnings on all money. Counterfeiting hurts businesses, except if their business is counterfeiting. They lose the right to profit exhorbitantly from their innovation which was really just a brown bag with letters on it in the first place.

Counterfeiting hurts workers, because counterfeiting undercuts honest competition, rewards illegal competitors, and I once saw it shoot a guy, just to watch him die. Counterfeiting hurts hurts consumers, as fake products expose our people to serious health and safety risks, like wearing a fake Spider-Man T-shirt to a convention and getting beat up by nerd collectors. Counterfeiting hurts the government. Right here. No, don't talk to me. There's nothing you can say.

This administration and Congress have worked together to confront the real threat of illegal activity such as counterfeiting and pretending your cool when you buy fake stuff. And then when someone points out it's fake, saying "Duh, that's the point". The bill I'm signing today helps us defeat counterfeiting in two key ways. First, it gets under the enamel to really strengthen teeth and gums. As part of that, the bill strengthens our laws against trading counterfeit labels, packaging and NBA All-Stars. In the past, the law prohibited the manufacturing, shipping or selling of counterfeit goods, but it did not make it a crime to ship falsified labels or packaging or NBA All-Stars, which counterfeits could then attach to fake products.

This loophole helped counterfeiters cheat consumers by passing off poorly-made items as brand-name goods and poorly-performing basketballers as someone you'd actually want on your T-shirt. By closing the loophole, we're going to keep honest Americans from losing business to scam artists, and ensure Shaq remains plastered across the back of homies for years to come.

Secondly, the bill strengthens penalties for counterfeiters and gives prosecutors new tools to stop those who defraud American consumers. Tools like screwdrivers (both phillips and flat!), hammers, and one of those wrenches that you can adjust. No longer will they fight crime with only an allen-key. The bill requires courts to order the destruction of all counterfeit products seized as a part of a criminal investigation, so they can't be sold by crooked cops. Then it replaces those cops with Robocop, who eventually malfunctions and goes on a killing rampage, causing us to call in those retired cops, who begrudgingly return to service. And all this in the first few pages.

These common sense reforms will help law enforcement to crack down on this serious crime - poor people looking cool. We've got to get the counterfeiters and their products off the streets, before people start laughing at those of us who paid $500 for a real Armani tie.

The tools in this room today will become a part of our broad effort to protect the creativity and innovation of our entrepreneurs, and allow them to steal stuff from each other, as long as they charge roughly the same price and call it part of a movement.

This administration is leading an initiative called STOP -- which we're either going to have stand for Strategy Targeting Organized Piracy, or Stupid Timewasting of Police. Nine federal agencies are coming together in this initiative, including at least one former villain. You'll have to stay tuned for November's issue to find out who, but reserve your copy today!

The Department of Justice has launched the most aggressive effort in American history to prevent intellectual property violations, other than the great Intellectual Property Laws of the early 1800s. We've expanded computer hacking and intellectual property units in U.S. Attorney's offices all across the country, and may soon be in a position to develop units designed to stop people doing that. We're posting specially trained prosecutors and FBI agents at American embassies in Asia and Eastern Europe, mainly to get rid of them. We're working with other nations and the World Trade Organization to promote strong intellectual property laws around the globe, and also to get some cool DVDs from other regions of Japanese Samurai pcitures.

These efforts are getting some results. Last year, we dismantled a piracy ring in Massachusetts that was planning to sell more than 30,000 counterfeit hand bags and shoes and necklaces and other items. Later, it turned out they were real. And that ring grew up to be Theresa Heinz-Kerry.

True story, swear to god.

With partners overseas, we broke up a prescription drug counterfeiting network, and seized more than $4 million in phony medicine - so called "placebos", which appeared to do nothing of any medical value. With the help of 16 countries on five continents, we removed more than $100 million of illegal online software, games, movies and music to my laptop.

This is a really important effort, and as we call upon folks to send a message to the counterfeiters, and not one asking for free Warez. And this bill I'm going to sign here in 30 seconds does just that.

Hey, this bill's a fake!

GWB

What the critics are saying about "From the desk of George W Bush":

2006-03-08T17:42:00.000-05:00

"If I were reading this blog, and thought it was good, I would have no hesitation in recommending it to other people!"

"If you only read one blog every day, you probably won't get fired for misusing your internet privileges at work"

"I laughed til I stopped"

"If you're looking for insightful political satire, coupled with an acerbic wit and a mix of silliness and thoughtfulness, you're looking in the wrong place."

"It's like the Daily Show, the Onion and a Jay Leno monologue all rolled into one...pile of crap that doesn't make much sense."

"Well spelt"

"Of all the blogs I've read, this isn't one of them."

"LexisNexis could find no record of the phrase "From the desk of George W Bush""

"Clearly the work of a genius or a madman, neither of whom are any good at writing a blog"

"This document is a violation of the Patriot Act and will be shut down."

"Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

"Free Warez! Free Gamez! Worried about your size????Pillz which can help"

"Your site is an insult to me, my family, my families family and the people of the greater Des Moines area"

"I couldn't put it down. It's not a book, but for some reason it made me pick up my computer."

"If you loved Weekend at Bernies 2, you'll love "From the desk of George W Bush". If you didn't, you won't. It's that simple."

"9/10 Lion taming French literature professors can't be wrong!"

"If they held an Oscars for blogs, they'd probably call it something else"

"Not for the faint of heart, the weak of bladder or the whatever a bad spleen thing would be of spleen".

"You know you've really made it in this town when you're mentioned in "From the desk of George W Bush". Made it to the bottom of the pile, that is."

"This is one blog"

"Like nothing I've ever seen before, except not."

"Of all the pseudo-intellectual cut-and-paste-stuff-from-the-White-House-website-and-add-snarky-comment-pages out there, this is one of them."

"A worthy follow-up to "From the fridge of George W Bush"

"Brilliant! But only when I turned the brightness of my monitor way up so it blinded me!"

"I guarantee you that if you read one post on "From the desk of George W Bush", you'll be added to the stat counter."

"If there were more sites out there like "From the desk of George W Bush", there'd be a fair case for a copyright class action."

"From the moment I started reading "From the desk of George W Bush", to the moment I stopped was about a second"

"Great for testing the scroll function on your mouse"

Individual results may vary,

GWB

GWB: The Presidential Tour 2006!

2006-03-06T21:22:00.000-05:00

I have been traveling this past week in South Asia on a trip to Afghanistan, India, and Pakistan. Did you miss me? I missed you. I got you this pen - if you turn it upside down, it looks like she's - well you'll see.

My first stop was Afghanistan, and I was thrilled to see firsthand the incredible transformation that has taken place there. They've made the whole place look like a desert.

Before September the 11th, 2001, Afghanistan was ruled by a cruel regime that oppressed its people, brutalized women, and gave safe haven to the terrorists who attacked America and by and large ignored by us.

Today, the terror camps have been shut down; women are working; boys and girls are back to hating school; and 25 million people have now tasted freedom and/or auditioned for Afghanistan's Next Top Model. The Afghan people are building a vibrant young democracy that is an ally in the war on terror, and also a vibrant young pipeline that is an ally in the production on oil. And America is proud to have such a determined partner in the cause of freedom, but not proud enough to help anymore.

I was pleased to visit with President Karzai and members of his cabinet and government, and remind him that there can be only one President. It's like Highlander, but without the lesser sequels or TV spinoff. I told them America will stand with the Afghan people, or at least on the same continent, as they build a free society and fight our common enemies, and we will see the mission through without wavering more than we already have.

I was honored to visit our troops at Bagram Air Base who are serving on the front lines of the actual war on terror. It was a privilege to thank them in person for their courage and for the sacrifice of their families back home, and to remind them that sacrificing their families back home was in many cases unnecessary. These fine Americans are standing watch for liberty halfway across the world, and I told them that all Americans were proud of them. But I lied, because Barry still thinks they're losers.

The next stop on my trip was India. Like America, India has endured terrorist attacks on its own soil. Like America, India is a democracy that understands the best way to ensure peace is to advance freedom. Unlike America, India understands the policy of only attacking countries which are actually involved. Also, they don't understand the power of a good hat.

Relations between the United States and India have never been better - we're always on the phone, and we've even started talking about moving in together. One important aspect of this partnership is working together to meet the energy needs of our growing economies, especially through the use of clean and safe nuclear power and weapons. On my trip, the United States and India reached an historic agreement to share civilian nuclear technology as India brings its civilian nuclear programs under the safeguards of the International Atomic Energy Agency - the same agency we didn't trust to investigate so-called WMD programs in Iraq, but we're now trusting to police a state which we know has nuclear capacity.

This agreement is good for American security because it will bring India's civilian nuclear program into the international nonproliferation mainstream. It's for the bad of American security because it shows that once you actually have nuclear weaponry, we're no longer interested in stopping you.

Another important aspect of this partnership is the growing trade between our two countries. In the past 10 years, India has passed economic reforms that have opened its door to trade and helped raised the living standards for millions of its people and helpdesk operators. In my meetings with Prime Minister Singh, I made clear that trade between our countries must be free and fair, or in America's favor. I know that America's workers can compete with anyone, any time, anywhere so long as the rules are fair, and lose.

Ultimately, the best way to create jobs for Americans is to expand markets for American products, or through more reality TV shows. Today, India is one of the fastest-growing export markets. India has now a growing middle class that is estimated at 300 million people -- more than the entire population of the United States, a fact which clearly shows we're not having enough kids. There's only so much professional basketballers can do, after all.

Middle class Indians are buying home appliances from American companies like Whirlpool, then pulling them apart, reverse-engineering them, designing something better and selling it back to us. Younger Indians are enjoying McCurry meals from McDonald's, which, because of its franchise structure, actually creates zero jobs in America. And Air India has recently ordered 68 planes from Boeing and a record 356 hostesses from Sweden.

Last year, exports to India grew by more than 30 percent, and that doesn't even include local versions of The Biggest Loser and Average Joe. And all this trade is creating jobs and opportunity in America, which are also being exported to India.

The final stop on my trip was Pakistan, another important ally in the war on terror. After September the 11th, 2001, President Musharraf understood that he had to make a fundamental choice. He could turn a blind eye and leave his people hostage to the terrorists, or he could join the free world in fighting the terrorists. I faced that choice too. Guess which one I picked?

President Musharraf made the right choice for his people, and America appreciates his leadership even as it fails to remember his name. Since he joined the fight against terror, President Musharraf has faced several attempts - both unsuccesful and succesful - on his life, yet President Musharraf has not faltered. He understands that the terrorists are a threat to the peace and security of the Pakistani people and the world, and that for some reason we Americans thought it would be better to attack Iraq.

Our relations with Afghanistan, India, and Pakistan will enhance the security of our country by ensuring at least three countries aren't pissed off with us this week. By working with these leaders and the people of these three nations, we're seizing the opportunities this new century offers and helping to lay the foundations of peace and prosperity for generations to come, while also learning a lot more about investment opportunities, time-share and Readers Digest subscriptions.

Now, who wants to see some holiday snaps?

GWB

Queer Eye for the President Guy

2006-02-26T22:01:00.000-05:00

On Sunday and Monday and perhaps several of the other so-called "Happy Days", I will meet with America's governors during their annual gathering and booze cruise in Washington, D.C. As a former governor, I appreciate and am fully aware of the lack of work of these fine public servants. I look forward to talking with them about the challenges and opportunities facing their states and also playing a special Gubernatorial round of "Who would you sleep with if you were gay?".

One of the most important issues we will discuss is whether my ass looks fat in these jeans. Another will be how to improve health care for the American people, and we have a good example in the Medicare system that provides health care coverage for our seniors and a poor example in our including real surgical implements with the board game "Operation" program.

When I took office, I found a Medicare system that would pay tens of thousands of dollars for a surgery, but not the money for the prescription drugs that could have prevented the surgery in the first place. I also found Clinton's stash of porn. Which is why it's taken me so long to do anything about the Medicare thing. More than 25 million people with Medicare now have prescription drug coverage, and hundreds of thousands more are enrolling each week, many of them not fraudulent or stolen identities. This new coverage is saving seniors money on their drug premiums: the typical senior will end up spending about half of what they used to spend on prescription drugs each year for a loss of only half of their effectiveness.

Another issue I will discuss with governors is whether beige is a good colour for me. And also how to keep America the most innovative and competitive nation in the world except for China, Japan, India, Sweden and a few others. Germany might be in there.

In my State of the Union Address, I announced the American Competitiveness Initiative. It was somewhere near the end, so you probably slept through it. Under this Initiative, we will double the Federal commitment to the most critical basic research in the physical sciences over the next decade, which, coupled with our mismanagement of the economy which will result in spiralling inflation, should see their funding only fall by a quarter.

We will also make the research and development tax credit permanent to encourage businesses and entrepreneurs to increase their investments in innovation or just use it as another loophole to stop paying taxes and launder drug money. These investments will lead to new technologies that will offer a better life for our citizens and keep our economy strong, or at least better drugs so they don't notice how shitty life and the economy have become.

My Competitiveness Initiative will also give American children a firm grounding in math and science to prepare them for the non-Presidential jobs of the 21st century. I proposed that we train 70,000 additional high school teachers over the next five years to lead Advanced Placement courses in math and science and replace those shot in the line of duty. We should also bring in 30,000 math and science professionals to reiterate that maths and science are boring, but help to make unattractive kids rich, which in turn leads to them getting some. By ensuring that our children are prepared to succeed in life, we will ensure that America's economy succeeds in the world or drags it down with us.
When I meet the governors, I will also talk about avoiding visible panty line. As well, we'll discuss our energy strategy. I proposed an Advanced Energy Initiative to take advantage of new technologies. Some people said I was mad. Others said I had no idea what I was talking about. Both were right.

Under this Initiative, we will change how we power our homes and offices by investing in clean coal technology, solar and wind power, and clean, safe nuclear energy and weapons. And we will change how we power our cars and trucks by investing in hybrid vehicles, pollution-free cars that run on hydrogen, and alternative fuels like ethanol and biodiesel, which we not use, and will make fun of those who do use them. By applying the talent and innovative spirit of our citizens, we will move beyond a petroleum-based economy, protect our environment, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy, but not before we've all cleaned up on the rising cost of oil.

I'll also discuss with governors the wearing of white after Labor Day. And our progress in the war on terror. The states are playing a vital role in the war effort through the contributions of their National Guard units, which is keeping sensible people and right-wing gun nuts out of the Army. During the past two years, many governors have traveled to Iraq or Afghanistan to visit with the men and women from their states and make stopovers in Amsterdam, Paris or Dubai.

These governors have seen firsthand the courage of our troops, and the nudity and loose morality of European weomn. Last month, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee visited Iraq and Afghanistan with three of his fellow governors. He said: "The whole thing sucked. There were no good movies on the flight, and you call that first class? Also, I though the women at Moulin Rouge would be way hotter based on the movie."

To improve health care, keep America competitive, achieve greater energy independence, and protect our Nation, we must put aside politics and focus on what is best for the future of our country.

Fashion.

GWB

American American History Month

2006-02-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

So glad you could join us for the 80th celebration of African American History Month – a month I have come to realise does not involve pretending famous historical figures were African American, a la some of the early episodes of Star Trek which are no longer repeated in syndication.

This month we gather to honor the generations of heroes who called on our nation to live up to its founding promise of equality, and in many ways, its early promises of intolerance, persecution and religious zealotry.

The past year we lost two heroes, women whose grace and determination helped change the path of American history without causing a paradox -- Rosa Parks and Coretta Scott King.
Mrs. Parks helped set in motion a national movement for equality and freedom when she refused a bus driver's order to give her seat to a white man. Later she became the inspiration for a song by Outkast. Mrs. King spent her life advancing the cause of civil rights for all Americans, but has, as yet, not had anyone rap about her. The courage and the dignity of these women helped rouse the conscience of a complacent nation, or make it feel guilty, which was more or less the same thing. And we will continue to work to make the America these women fought for uphold the promise to all, unless we can accuse them of terrorism.

The reason to honor these women is to pay homage to their character and their strength, and to remember the ideal of active citizenship, without remembering the idea of a government which broadly supported racist ideologies.

In the 1960s, many active citizens struggled hard to convince Congress to pass civil rights legislation that ensured the rights of all -- including the right to vote. That victory was a milestone in the history of civil rights and the history of Congress in that they actually did something. Congress must act to renew the Voting Rights Act of 1965, or else there’ll be no point in scrubbing people off the electoral roll in the first place.

When African American History Month began eight decades ago, it was based on the belief that if African Americans were to take their rightful place in American society, Americans of all races should learn about black contributions to our history before they ignore it. It was also a need to bring parity to African Americans, who already had to sit through Asian American Month, Antarctican American Month, and somewhat confusingly, American American month.

That conviction is every bit at true today as it was in 1926. Generations of African Americans have added to the unique character of our society. Our nation is stronger, more hopeful and way better at dancing as a result of those contributions.

America is a better place because of African American writers like Langston Hughes, Zora Neale Hurston, and W.E.B. du Bois, and as soon as we all actually learn to read, we’ll be better of still. Our culture is richer, thanks to the talents of musicians like Nat King Cole, Lena Horne, MC Hammer and Dizzy Gillespie. We've been inspired by the achievements of African American scientists like George Washington Carver and the Harlem Globetrotters, and baseball stars like Jackie Robinson and Willie Mays-Hays from Major League I and II.

Our nation is stronger because of the distinguished leadership of those like Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall, our two most recent Secretaries of State, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice and our next Minister for Defence Fifty Cent. Sorry, Fiddy.

Thanks to the contributions of these leaders and many others, our nation has made great progress toward racial equality or at least sweeping the whole thing under the carpet, yet we've got to remember there is still more work to be done or avoided.

As we honor the achievements of black Americans across our land, we will keep striving to build an America where the dignity of every person is respected even as it is taken away from them, where people are judged by the content of their character or bank account, and where the hope of the American Dream reaches every neighborhood and every citizen, except Larry.

You know why.

To ensure the promise of America reaches all our citizens, we have got to make sure that every child receives a quality education. To make sure they don’t realize what a crock of shit that promise is, we have to make sure that quality is low.

The reason I worked so hard for the No Child Left Behind Act is because I believe that every child can learn, and that I had a bet with Rumsfeld that I could pass a bill with the initials NCLBA. I refuse to accept a school system that doesn't teach every child. You don’t all want to turn out like me. And so we've raised the standards, and we measure. You cannot solve a problem unless you measure (unless it’s a hypothetical problem or one of the Sudoku things), and when we detect problems, we solve them early, before it's too late, unless the bell’s about to go, in which case we wait until Monday.

The No Child Left Behind Act is challenging the soft bigotry of low expectations by actually telling our kids how dumb we’ve made them. Because we measure, because we hold people to account, we know this: The square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides. And that the most recent results of our nation's report card show African American children are closing an achievement gap, although some are still “easily distracted” or “do not play well with others”.

Last year, African American nine-year-olds set records in reading and math. And not just for nine-year olds. For Americans. We're making progress, and we're not going to stop until every single child has a quality education or a basketball scholarship.

One way to ensure the promise of America reaches all of our citizens is to encourage ownership. We want people owning something. A hat would be good. Or baseball cards.

One way to help people realize their dreams is to encourage African Americans to own their own businesses, as witnessed in the documentaries Barber Shop and Beauty Shop. Look at the hilarity that ensued.

Part of ownership is for people to own their own homes, or at least live in them until the bank kicks them out. I love the idea when somebody opens up the door of their house and says, “Welcome to my home, welcome to my piece of property” or more frequently “We don’t want any – get the hell off my property!”

As we celebrate African American History Month, we remember and thank the many African Americans who are defending our ideals as members of the United States Armed Forces, some of whom are with us here today, but most of whom are overseas where there are no witnesses.
I thank these courageous men and women who are risking lives to protect us, to preserve our liberty by bringing the promise of freedom to millions across the world, or entering the only career available to them because they’ve been let down by poor public housing, poor education, a discriminatory law enforcement system, unrealistic welfare payments and an underlying racism in American culture.

Or something like that,

GWB

Prêt-à-Port Authority

2006-02-21T19:06:00.000-05:00

I do want to talk about this port issue.

I think it’s the left of the boat.

Anyway, as you all know, except for the guy from Newsweek and the woman from “What Potato?” Magazine who came to the wrong press conference, a foreign company manages some of our ports. They've entered into a transaction with another foreign company to manage our ports, and possibly other fortified wines.

This is a process that has been extensively reviewed, particularly from the point of view as to whether or not I can say to the American people, this project will not jeopardize our security, as well as by Ebert and Roeper and that fictitious journalist invented by Sony a few years ago.
It's been looked at by those who have been charged with the security of our country, or in some cases with the violation of said security. And I believe the deal should go forward. This company operates all around the world, as well as in parts of the parallel world where Hitler won World War II.

In working with our folks, they've agreed to make sure that their coordination with our security folks is good and solid, in the same way that the professional dancers of Dancing with the Stars coordinate with the celebrities. I really don't understand why it's okay for a British company to operate our ports, but not a company from the Middle East, when our experts are convinced that port security is not an issue – experts who don’t read papers admittedly, and in many cases are experts on baseball or feng-shui, but experts nonetheless.

Having worked with this company, they're convinced that they'll work with those who are in charge of the U.S. government's responsibility for securing the ports, they'll work hand in glove and thong in hipster jeans. I want to remind people that when we first put out the Container Security Initiative, the CSI, which was a new way to secure our ports, UAE was one of the first countries to sign up, primarily because they confused it with the much more popular Jerry Bruckheimer television franchise.

In other words, we're receiving goods from ports out of the UAE, as well as where this company operates, and many of them aren’t drugs. And many of those that are drugs are drugs which belong to Americans. And so after careful review of our government, I believe the government ought to go forward, or at least wobble side-to-side a bit. And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company. Everyone knows they’re all the same, unless they’re American, in which case they can do what they want.

I'm trying to conduct foreign policy now by saying to people of the world, we'll treat you fairly unless it’s politically expedient not to do so, or you’ve got lots of oil but not lots of money. And after careful scrutiny and the usual amount of bribery, we believe this deal is a legitimate deal that will not jeopardize the security of the country, and at the same time, send that signal that we're willing to treat people fairly unless their in Guantanamo Bay.

Congress ought to listen to what I have to say about this. They ought to look at the facts, and understand the consequences of what they're going to do. Maybe pick up a copy of “Port Security for Dummies”. But if they pass a law, I'll deal with it, with a veto or even a chokeslam.
Look at the company's record and it's clear for everybody to see. They’ve got a lot of money. We like money. Therefore, we like them. We've looked at the ports in which they've operated. Some of them had musical numbers. Some had cute women in sailor uniforms.

There is a process in place where the government analyzes many, many business transactions, to make sure they meet national security concerns or that at least there’s something in it for us. And after careful review, this process yielded a result that said, yes, a deal should go forward, and yes there was a kick-ass car chase towards the end.

One of my concerns, however, is mixed messages. And the message is, it's okay for a British company, but a Middle Eastern company -- maybe we ought not to deal the same way. It's a mixed message. If anything, we should be bombing the British.

After all, they’re used to it,

GWB

Where do they put the sox anyway?

2006-02-16T01:05:00.000-05:00

The last time the Chicago White Sox won the World Series, or did anything of importance anywhere, was 1917. President Woodrow Wilson was living here – possibly illegally, almost certainly in sin.

There were only eight teams in the American League, only one country in the World Series, and the league leader hit a total of nine home runs and hardly took any steroids. After 88 years of waiting, the White Sox have earned the right to be called world champs, and we're glad you're here. I’ve even got a little wood.

First of all, I want to welcome Jerry Reinsdorf. Some of my most joyous times in my life have been as a baseball owner, and later as the owner of a baseball team. Harold Baines may not have thought they were so joyous, since we never won much, and I used to beat him up for his lunch money. And one of the reasons that I ended up in baseball with my partner is because of Jerry Reisndorf's help, and the other is because I was incompetent and not to be trusted in a position of leadership, and I want to thank Jerry for that now that we've got the team here. I know how much you love the game and, and I know how much you love the Chicago White Sox. I also know how much you love been tickled with a feather, but that’s a whole other story. And so it had to be a thrilling moment for you and Eddie and the owners that were patient for all those years you didn't win, or who fired people. And so I congratulate you from the bottom of my thyroid, and thank you for your friendship. It's great to see you fully clothed.

I appreciate Ken Williams, a man who obviously knows what he's doing and maybe even knows what I’m doing, who was able to put a crack team together. A team who was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire them. It's easy to put stars on the field. You just need some silver paint and a stencil. The hard thing about baseball is to put people who can play together, and also the bats.

I welcome Ed Farmer and the broadcasting team. Eddie, good to see you again. That’s a nice shirt. Silk? Really? Have you been working out?

Where was I?

I do want to thank the members of my Cabinet who are here. There’s vodka, and gin and that Mexican one, tequila. I want to thank Senator Durbin and Senator Obama from the great-tending-to-mediocre state of Illinois, and Don Manzullo and Ray LaHood. My question to most of these folks was, like, were you White Sox fans at the beginning of the season? And who gaffer taped my chair to the Oval Office ceiling?

I know one person who was a White Sox fan at the beginning of the season. I think there was only one. As a matter of fact, he was a White Sox fan at the beginning of his life. He's been forever a White Sox fan. He is a great Mayor of a great city, and also Chicago, and that's the Mayor, His Honor Dick Daley – a man who is either a supervillain or a porn-star, or both.

Roland Hemond, good to see you, Roland. Just showing off my baseball knowledge. Anybody that knows Roland Hemond knows something about baseball, and probably more than they want to about cheese manufacture.

And it's good to see Harold Baines and the other coaches, this time without the glue guns. I understand Ozzie is on vacation, which I fully understand. I’m always on vacation. I want to congratulate Ozzie Guillen, as well as the team and staff, the coaching staff, and the managers, the hookers and all those who worked hard to make these guys ready to play. And I want to congratulate Ozzie on being a great manager, manager of the year, as well as becoming a United States citizen earlier this year. We're proud to have him as an American citizen, as long as he doesn’t do anything suspicious..

And to the players, congratulations. We're really proud to have you here at the White House. It means a lot for baseball fans, White Sox fans, and your illegitimate children all across the country that you would take time to come and be honored and drink the free booze here at the White House, and it's my great honor to honor you. It's a big deal to have you here. We had to borrow some chairs from the neighbours and everything.

The amazing thing about this team is you went wire to wire, which is really hard to do, unless you are electricity. You win one-nothing on opening day, and they're in your rear-view mirror for the rest of the season, larger than they would otherwise appear. It takes a lot to win 99 games and to remain the lead and not falter, unless you’re the Harlem Globetrotters and you’re playing a bunch of schoolkids. And it says something about the character of the team that you put together and the character of the players, and the characters like “Bubblegum” Tate.

I got a first-hand report from the World Series from two people I love dearly who had actually front-row seats, and that would be my mother and father. I'm not going to tell you who they were rooting for, but it didn't have much effect on the outcome of the series, I'll put it to you that way. Just like when they backed Al Gore.

I was impressed as a baseball guy that you had four complete games in a row in the playoffs, and that you used baseballs. That's a good strategy, Jerry, to keep the bullpen minty fresh.

You know, there were great players, but nobody off the chart, if you know what I mean, which means you competed as a team, or that everyone was on the same performance enhancing drugs.

Jermaine Dye had an interesting quote, that I think is worth sharing with people who are paying attention at this moment. He said, "From the start of spring training, everybody was hungry." He then went on to say “The pizzas arrived at three o’clock, and then everybody was gassy.”

I congratulate Jermaine for being the MVP of the World Series. I congratulate Paul for being the MVP of the American League Championship Series. I look forward the the MVP v MVP showdown which must surely be ahead.

It must be a pretty cool feeling to hit a grand slam in the World Series. I didn't get one in Little League, much less the World Series. But I did get McDonalds after the game which is more than you guys did.

And you had a grand slam, you caught the last out of the season, and you witnessed the birth of your child all in the same month. Man, what a special month. And that’s not even mentioning the bit with the twin supermodels from Iowa. The Lord has blessed you. That's why you're called Mr. Soxtober, or in the Gregorian calendar Mr Soxvember.

I know the affect you had on White Sox fans, and it must have been electrifying – literally in the case where you wired them up to the mains. One women in her 90s said, "I've been a Sox fan all my life, I never thought I'd live to see the day." And she didn’t.

The people of Chicago turned out en masse not only because you were baseball champs, but because you have brought some character to the city, and because they heard you had money. I want to applaud the organization for supporting inner-city Little League. I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive, provided you’re not fat or a girl. The best way to do it is to convince little kids the beauty of playing baseball and discriminating against non-athletic people.
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I appreciate the baseball fields you're building in Chicago, kind of little centers of hope, little diamonds of joy for people to come and be able to play the greatest game ever invented except for Kerplunk

And so here we are in the White House, honoring the great Chicago White Sox, and the less successful members who just sat on the bench all season.

We’re proud to be with you, and Dick Cheney would like to deliver a 21 gun salute.

Duck,

GWB

Medicare - individual results may vary.

2006-02-12T22:31:00.000-05:00

Today I want to talk to you about the new Medicare prescription drug coverage that went into effect on January 1st of this year, and, if time allows, Non-linear Chaos Theory and Post-Einsteinian Reflux Thermonuclear Fission

When I came into office, I found a Medicare system that was antiquated and not meeting the needs of America's seniors, and also Clinton doing something to an intern that’s illegal in certain states. The system would pay tens of thousands of dollars for a surgery, but not a few hundred dollars for the prescription drugs that could have prevented the surgery in the first place, or frequently wouldn’t pay for either, and just stick its fingers in its ears and go “la, la, la, I can’t hear you.” So working with Congress, we passed critical legislation that modernizes Medicare, while at the same time staying true to the origins of Golden Age Medicare. A sort of “Smallville for Medicare” if you will.

Since the program went into effect six weeks ago, more than 24 million people with Medicare now have prescription drug coverage, and hundreds of thousands more are enrolling each week, a rate far exceeding population growth which eventually means more people will be enrolled than will exist.

The competition in the prescription drug market has been stronger than expected, and have in some places the drugs themselves, and is lowering costs or life expectancies for taxpayers and seniors alike. This year, the Federal government will spend 20 percent less overall on the Medicare drug benefit than projected just last July, and yet somehow I’m spinning this as being succesful. The average premium that seniors pay, and moan about paying is a third less than had been expected -- just $25 per month, instead of $37 per month. And the typical senior will end up spending about half of what they used to spend on prescription drugs each year, and half as long breathing.

Last month in Oklahoma City, an entirely fictional senior named Dorothy Brown signed up for an entirely fictional Medicare prescription drug coverage. Dorothy has six fictional prescriptions, and previously, had she existed, she would have paid about $300 a month in money which does not exist for her medicines. A Medicare enrollment counselor at a shopping mall helped fictional Dorothy log on to the very real Medicare website, where she typed the made up information on Dorothy's Medicare card and listed Dorothy's fugazi prescriptions. When the counselor was finished, the computer showed five different plans that fit Dorothy's needs, and a critical meltdown due to the collision of fictional and real universes, resulting in a rift in space-time which will eventually lead to the destruction of the universe. Dorothy chose the least-expensive plan -- and now, instead of paying $300 a month, she will pay about $36 a month for her medicines until her actions result in the entire cosmos disappearing into a singularity.

Thanks a lot, Dorothy.

For Dorothy and for the vast majority of real seniors, the new prescription drug program is working well, or killing them before they can complain. Still, when you make a big change in a program involving millions of people, there are bound to be some challenges and the occasional duel to the death, and this has been the case with the new drug coverage. Some people had trouble the first time they went to the pharmacy after enrolling. Some people got beat up by drug dealers who didn’t accept the new coverage. One or two overdosed on Quaaludes and decided to set fire to various members of the New York Rangers.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Mike Leavitt has travelled to 18 states in the past three weeks to meet with governors and make sure the prescription drug program is working for everyone, and we're making good progress in capturing this dangerous fugitive and bringing him to justice.

We're ensuring that drug plans have more up-to-date information on their beneficiaries, and we're improving data-sharing among Medicare, health plans, the states and secret black-ops agencies designed to keep the general populace ignorant. We have also extended the transition period from 30 days to 90 days, to guarantee that seniors do not go without the medicine they need as they switch to a new drug plan, and also to coincide with sweeps. We have also acted to ensure that phone calls to the Medicare help line are now answered with little or no waiting time, in many cases by Medicare staff themselves.

Despite early challenges, the results so far are clear: The new Medicare prescription drug plan is a good deal for seniors, particularly those who own drug companies. If you're a Medicare recipient and have not yet signed up for prescription drug coverage, I encourage you to review your options and choose the plan that is right for you. If you are fictional, do not do so, or you may further damage the delicate equilibrium of our reality and cause a total, pan-dimensional collapse.

Americans who have parents on Medicare should encourage and help them to sign up, then milk them for all their worth. Citizen groups, faith-based organizations, health professionals, and pharmacies across America are working to help answer questions or give people the wrong idea in order to scam money off them.

Prescription drug coverage under Medicare has been available for just a few weeks, but its benefits will last for decades to come. And not just by helping to wipe out annoying old people.
I was proud to sign this Medicare reform into law. I even did a dance. And because we acted, millions of American seniors are now saving money, getting the life-saving drugs they need, receiving the modern health care they deserve, and still whingeing about it.

At least until the Big Crunch comes,

GWB

The American Competitiveness Initiative – the best thing since sliced bread

2006-02-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

This week in the State of the Union address, I set forth my American Competitiveness Initiative, and in “State of the Union: Too hot for cable”, I set forth George Bush Jr Jr, if you know what I mean..

This competitiveness plan will help our Nation to compete with confidence, raise the standard of living for our families, and see it not getting so depressed by the negative Nation image promoted by models and magazines.

Generations of risk-takers, inventors, visionaries and people claiming credit for other people’s ideas have made America the world's most prosperous, innovative and minty-fresh nation. Just 25 years ago, most Americans used typewriters instead of computers, rotary phones instead of cell phones, and bank tellers instead of ATMs. 25 years before that, they used sharpened sticks to hunt dinosaurs and woolly mammoths.

Today America is at the doorstep of even more technological advances. Sliced bread, for example.

But we cannot afford to be complacent, primarily due to poor economic management and the fact that we’re too busy using computers, cell phones and ATMs. Seeing the rise of new competitors, like China, India and Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre, who are making great strides in technology and the End Zone.

In response, some people want to wall off our economy from the world, and others want to wall off Wisconsin. That is called protectionism. The American people should not fear our economic future, or one of the most successful QBs of all time, because we intend to shape our economic future, and Brett is getting old and did not make this year’s Super Bowl.

To keep America the world's most competitive and innovative nation, we must continue to lead the world in human talent, creativity and remakes of television programs from the 70s. My American Competitiveness Initiative will encourage innovation throughout our economy and give American children a firm grounding in math, science and Intelligent Design.

This initiative has three key elements. The first element is to double the Federal commitment to the most critical basic research programs in the physical sciences over the next decade. Most of the technological advances we enjoy today are the fruits of research investments made years ago, or given to us by aliens. The increased funding I have proposed will support America's creative minds as they explore promising areas, such as nanotechnology, supercomputing, and LSD. These investments will lead to new inventions that offer better choices for consumers and a better life for our citizens, or more Robosapiens. Either way’s good.

The second element of this new initiative is to encourage bolder and less evil-motivated private sector investment in technology, because the private sector remains America's greatest engine of innovation and cesspit of evil. The research and development tax credit gives businesses an incentive to invest in projects that could lead to new discoveries, or allows them another loophole to stop them having to actually pay tax like the rest of you.

Congress allowed this tax credit to expire at the end of 2005, and the House and Senate are now considering another temporary extension. But a temporary extension does not allow our innovators to plan and invest with certainty, and it’s not fooling anyone. Other countries offer permanent tax incentives for research, development or being a close friend of the President. To keep America the world's leader in technology, innovation and nepotism, Congress needs to make the tax credit for research and development permanent.

The third element of this initiative is to make sure our children learn the skills they will need to keep America the world's most innovative and arrogant country. Math and science are critical to many of our country's fastest-growing industries, like drugs and prostitution, so we must encourage our children to take more math and science classes and make sure those classes are rigorous enough to compete with other nations, dealers and pimps.

I'm proposing that we train 70,000 high school teachers to lead Advanced Placement courses in math and science, bring 30,000 math and science professionals to teach in classrooms, unleash a tiger and then let them fight it out in front of a global audience of millions.

The American Competitiveness Initiative will help our nation remain the world's economic leader, and may or may not make it illegal to marry same-sex partners.

By investing in research, development and time travel technology, unleashing the innovative spirit of America's entrepreneurs and woolly mammoths, and making sure that our economy has dealers and pimps highly skilled in math and science, we will lay the foundation for lasting economic prosperity and an excellent mid-season reality TV show for Fox.
Go Packers!

GWB

Wyoming wins State of the Union 2006

2006-02-01T19:41:00.000-05:00

The following is an edited transcript of my State of the Union address – because not even I want to hear this whole thing more than once. Unless you watch C-SPAN. But nobody does.

Every time I'm invited to this rostrum, I'm humbled by the privilege, and mindful of the history and compromising photos we've seen together. I’m also confused about what a rostrum is, and I brought sausages.

We have gathered under this Capitol dome in moments of national mourning, of national achievement and more often than not, of national boredom and/or apathy. We have served America through one of the most consequential and recent periods of our history -- and it has been my honor to serve with you.

In a system of two parties, two chambers, and two elected branches and two cola brands, there will always be differences, debate and bare-knuckle fisticuffs. But even tough debates can be conducted in a civil tone, and our differences cannot be allowed to harden into anger or soften into cheese spread. To confront the great issues before us, we must act in a spirit of goodwill and respect for one another – or at least take off our belts.

Tonight the state of our Union is strong -- and together we will make it stronger. Tonight, the State of the Union is…Wyoming.

In this decisive year, you and I will make choices that determine both the future, the character and the sexual orientation of our country. Mainly I will. We will choose to act confidently in pursuing the enemies of freedom -- or retreat from our duties in the hope of an easier life. Number two sounds good to me.

We will choose to build our prosperity by leading the world economy -- or shut ourselves off from trade and opportunity. Again, I’m going to have to go with Plan B.

In a complex and challenging time, the road of isolationism and protectionism may seem broad and inviting in an oxymoronic -- yet it ends in danger, decline and a triple-overpass. The only way to protect our people, the only way to secure the peace, the only way to control our destiny is by our leadership, or some sort of power-crystal -- so the United States of America will continue to lead and seek power-crystals from the evil Dr Robotnik.

The War on Terror

Abroad, our nation is committed to an historic, long-term goal – piss off everyone. Some dismiss that goal as misguided idealism. In reality, the future security of America depends on it.

Far from being a hopeless dream, the advance of freedom is the great story of our time. That and Star Wars. In 1945, there were about two dozen lonely democracies in the world. Today, there are 122. Sure, they’re still lonely, but with Democracy Speed Dating, some are bound to hook up soon.

No one can deny the success of freedom, but some men rage and fight against it, or subtly undermine it in the name of business concerns and oil revenues

In a time of testing, we cannot find security by abandoning our commitments and retreating within our borders, although we might find some gold or something. If we were to leave these vicious attackers alone, they would not leave us alone. They would simply move the battlefield to our own shores, in the quest for our gold. There is no peace in retreat. And there is no honor in retreat. And there’s no I in retreat. By leaving an assaulted world to fend for itself -- we would signal to all that we no longer believe in our own ideals, or even in our own courage, or that we never really had a commitment to making things better in the first place. But our enemies and our friends can be certain: The United States will not retreat from the world, and we will never surrender to evil. At least, not this year.

America rejects the false comfort of isolationism and microbeaded pillows. We are the nation that eventually saved liberty in Europe, liberated death camps, pardoned evil scientists in the quest for the race to the moon, helped raise up democracies, and faced down an evil empire that was pretty much crushed by Russia already.

Once again, we accept the call of history a few years too late to deliver the oppressed and move this world toward peace. We remain on the offensive against terror networks.

The road of victory is the road that will take our troops home. At the moment its lined with land-mines, but as we make progress on the ground, and Iraqi forces increasingly take the lead, and get blown up instead.

Our coalition has learned from our experience in Iraq. We've adjusted our military tactics and changed our approach to reconstruction by actually deciding to do it.

Our offensive against terror involves more than military action. It involves a colour-coded chart and duct tape.

Tonight, let me speak directly to the citizens of Iran, although not in Arabic, so most of them won’t understand me: America respects you, and we respect your country. We like your shoes. And our nation hopes one day to be the closest of friends with a free and democratic Iran. (Applause.)

Our country must also remain on the offensive against terrorism here at home. The enemy has not lost the desire or capability to attack us, even as we lose it to attack them. Fortunately, this nation has superb professionals in law enforcement, intelligence, the military, and some mediocre professionals in homeland security. These men and women are dedicating their lives, protecting us all, and they deserve our support, our thanks and our underwear. They also deserve the same tools they already use to fight drug trafficking and organized crime – and I’m not just talking about the cool blue lights on CSI - I ask you to reauthorize the Patriot Act.

It is said that prior to the attacks of September the 11th, our government failed to connect the dots of the conspiracy. I will now avoid that question. We now know that two of the hijackers in the United States placed telephone calls to al Qaeda operatives overseas. But we did not know about their plans until it was too late. Although we did know they’d won tickets to see Nickelback live.

So to prevent another attack I have authorized a terrorist surveillance program to aggressively pursue the international communications of suspected al Qaeda operatives and affiliates to and from America. Previous Presidents have used the same constitutional authority I have, although not the unconstitutional ones. The terrorist surveillance program remains essential to the security of America. If there are people inside our country who are talking with al Qaeda, we want to know about it, because they won’t talk to us.

On the Economy

Here at home, America also has a great opportunity: A two for one coke at Dennys with any burger purchased. Bargain.

Our economy is healthy and vigorous, and growing faster than other major industrialized nations. Just like my dick.

The American economy is preeminent, but we cannot afford to be complacent. In a dynamic world economy, we are seeing new competitors, like China, India and the planet Vulcan, and this creates uncertainty, which makes it easier to feed people's fears, even though it’s harder to feed people.

So we're seeing some old temptations return. Protectionists want to escape competition, pretending that we can keep our high standard of living while walling off our economy. Others say that the government needs to take a larger role in directing the economy, centralizing more power in Washington and increasing taxes. And a few just think we should blow it all on coke and hookers.

But ultimately, Clinton and I lost that vote.

Tonight I will set out a better path: an agenda for a nation that competes with confidence; an agenda that will raise standards of living and generate new jobs. Americans should not fear our economic future, because we intend to shape it. I’m thinking something long, pointy, a little bit smooth and a little bit curvy.

But like I said, we lost that vote.

The Environment

Tonight I announce the Advanced Energy Initiative -- a 22-percent increase in clean-energy research and a 23-percent increase in evil scientist research-- at the Department of Energy, to push for breakthroughs in two vital areas. To change how we power our homes and offices, we will invest more in zero-emission coal-fired plants, revolutionary solar and wind technologies, and clean, safe nuclear energy. And to turn that energy into planet destroying superweapons of untapped power, we must have more evil scientists.

Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal: to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025, when we’ll have used it all up, but still be relying on it for 25 percent of our energy needs.

By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy, and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past. All of this by outsourcing the whole thing to India.

And to keep America competitive, one commitment is necessary above all: To drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. Performance enhancing mainly, but any drugs will do.

On hope
America is a great force for freedom, prosperity and childhood obesity. Yet our greatness is not measured in power, luxuries or fatness of kids, but by who we are and how we treat one another, especially the fat kids.

In recent years, America has become a more hopeful nation. Violent crime rates have fallen to their lowest levels since the 1970s. Welfare cases have dropped by more than half over the past decade, as have payments. Drug use among youth and Presidents is down 19 percent since 2001. There are fewer abortions in America than at any point in the last three decades, and the number of children born to teenage mothers has been falling for a dozen years in a row. Which means our sperm rates are also on the decline. Or is that just me?

These gains are evidence of a quiet transformation -- a revolution of conscience, in which a rising generation is finding that a life of personal responsibility is a life of fulfilment, and also that its harder than ever to get laid or get high.

Yet many Americans, especially parents and conservative whackjobs, still have deep concerns about the direction of our culture, and the health of our most basic institutions. They're concerned about unethical conduct by public officials, and discouraged by activist courts that try to redefine marriage. They worry about children in our society who need direction and love, and about fellow citizens still displaced by natural disaster, and about suffering caused by treatable diseases. They’re also a little bit racist.

As we look at these challenges, we must never give in to the belief that America is in decline, or that our culture is doomed to unravel. It is, of course, but the American people know better than to pay attention to the facts.

In Summary

Fellow citizens, we've been called to leadership in a period of consequence. We've entered a great ideological conflict we did nothing to invite, except by our ignorance and interference. We see great changes in science and commerce that will influence all our lives, and by and large, we ignore them. Sometimes it can seem that history is turning in a wide arc, toward an unknown shore. That’s what happens when those guiding it are asleep at the wheel.

Yet the destination of history is determined by human action and GPS navigation, and every great movement of history comes to a point of choosing.

Lincoln could have accepted peace at the cost of disunity and continued slavery, and accepted shaving at the cost of his beard. Martin Luther King could have stopped at Birmingham or at Selma, and achieved only half a victory over segregation, but a longer life. The United States could have accepted the permanent division of Europe, and been complicit in the oppression of others, and for a long time we did.

Today, having come far in our own historical journey, we must decide: Will we turn back, or finish well? Do we shit or get off the pot?

May God bless America. I know I will,

GWB

You don't have to be President to work here, but it helps

2006-01-26T21:57:00.000-05:00

I want to give you some thoughts about what I'm thinking about ahead of next Tuesday's State of the Union speech.

The Dukes of Hazzard, mainly.

Of course, that's not all my speech will focus on. I'm going to remind people we're living in historic times, especially those of us who think we're Napoleon, and that we have a chance to make decisions today that will help shape the direction of events for years to come, like if we were to travel back in time and kill our own Grandfathers or save Lincoln's life. You know, all that Time Tunnel/Quantam Leap stuff that everyone thinks is fiction.

Everyone who doesn't know better.

I'm going to continue to talk about an optimistic agenda that will remind folks we've got a responsibility to lead - especially those of us elected to do that. We've got a responsibility to lead to promote freedom and Blockbuster and a responsibility to continue to put policies in place that will let us be a leader when it comes to the economy in the world, or failing that, to take all economic power out of my hands.

I recognize this is an election year, but I believe that we can work together to achieve results as long as we're not Democrats. In other words, I think we can set aside the partisanship that inevitably will come with an election year, and get some stuff done, like campaigning, pork-barrelling and Sudoku puzzles. And that's what I'm going to call Congress to do.

We must work together to protect our nation's security and dress code. I'm going to continue do everything within my authority, and many things outside of it, to protect the American people. We're going to stay on the offense in the war against terror, and maybe switch from man-to-man to zone late in the third quarter as far as defence is concerned.

We'll hunt down the enemies in Afghanistan and Iraq and elsewhere...ahem...Syria...ahem...Iran...ahem...Delaware. We'll continue our terrorist surveillance program against al Qaeda, just as soon as we can find them. Congress must reauthorize the Patriot Act so that our law enforcement and intelligence and homeland security officers have the tools and superpowers they need to route the terrorists -- terrorists who could be planning and plotting within our borders, or not. And we'll do all this and at the same time protect the civil liberties of our people by redefining just who are "our" people.

We're going to continue to lead the cause of freedom in the world. The only way to defeat a dark ideology is through the hopeful vision of human liberty. And bombs. Lots and lots of bombs.
Here at home, we've got great opportunities. American Idol. The Biggest Loser, and, to a certain extent, Wife Swap USA. And to seize those opportunities, we have got to lead, or at least perform back-up vocals. Our economy is growing, it is strong. Or obese. One or the other. This economy has created millions of new jobs, yet it's an economy that is changing rapidly, much like those aliens in the movie "Evolution". We live in a competitive world, where David Duchovny can be on top of the world doing X-Files, and then appearing in a cheap comedy alongisde Academy Award winner Julianne Moore. And so policies must be put in place to recognize the competition of the global economy, the Hollywood studio system, and the paucity of alien-based movies not starring Will Smith.

Of course, we'll talk about fiscal policy in my State of the Union during the bit I like to refer to as the "snooze break", talking about the Congress to be wise about how we spend the people's money and how a man can only wear so many shoes.

I will talk about initiatives to make sure our health care and education and energy recognizes the realities of the world, much as Morpheus did to Neo in the Matrix. I will give the economy the blue pill in anticipation of the problems of the world tomorrow, like evil supercomputers and over-zealous Christian imagery.

I will talk about the values that are important for our country. Like pi. I'm going to remind people we show the character and compassion of America by taking focused action to confront disease and calculate the circumference of circles.

I look forward to the speech, I really do. Sure, I'm a little bit nervous, but I always find that if you picture everyone in their underwear, it makes Congress much more terrifying, and women's basketball much more watchable.

GWB

It's not the size of the business, it's the motion of the economy

2006-01-22T21:48:00.000-05:00

This past Thursday, I visited a thriving company in Loudoun County, Virginia, named JK Moving and Storage, and a really thriving strip-club named Wildcatz. I met with the owners, workers,small businesspeople and exotic dancers from the area, and I discussed my agenda and preference for booty to keep America's economy growing and to help our small businesses and other body parts stay vibrant and strong.

Our agenda for growing the economy and helping small businesses starts with wise tax policy and ends with its failure. Our economy grows when American workers, families and CEOs can keep more of their hard-earned money to spend, save, invest and shove down G-strings as they see fit. Small businesses create most of the new jobs and corruption in our country, and tax and occasional hand relief helps them as well, because most small businesses pay taxes at individual income tax rates, or frequently not at all.

So after I took office, we cut taxes on everyone who pays income taxes, but mainly the rich -- leaving more money in the hands of workers, families and US Presidents, and giving small businesses more resources to expand and hire or blow in Las Vegas. We increased the tax incentives for small businesses to invest in new equipment or implants, and we cut taxes on dividends, capital gains and, for some reason, tuna. We also put the death tax on the road to extinction because farmers, small business and billionaires should not be taxed twice, or even once, after a lifetime of work and exploitation.

Thanks to tax relief, spending restraint, book-cooking and the hard work of America's entrepreneurs, workers and lap-dancers, our economy today is strong. We've added over 400,000 jobs in the last two months and over 4.6 million jobs since May 2003, many of them in modify job statistics. Our unemployment rate is now 4.9 percent and that's just among senior cabinet members. Our economy grew at 4.1 percent in the third quarter of 2005, and it has been growing at nearly that rate for two non-consecutive years. Real after-tax income has grown 7 percent per person since 2001, and imaginary income is up over 2billion percent. Productivity is high, inflation is contained (except in the case of Dick Cheney), consumers are confident, and more Americans now own and gamble away their homes than at any time in our Nation's history.

Unfortunately, just as we are seeing how our tax cuts have created jobs, opportunity and a national deficit, some in Washington want to repeal the tax relief. Others want to just let it expire in a few years. A few want to tie it to helium balloons, release it off the roof of the White House and take pot-shots at it with a rifle. Either way, they want to raise your taxes. If that happens, families across America would see their taxes increase dramatically or comedically. Small businesses would also pay higher taxes -- which would mean less money to hire workers, buy new equipment and pay off loan-sharks. To keep our economy growing, our small business sector strong and our legs intact, we need to ensure that you keep more of what you earn -- so Congress needs to make the tax cuts permanent, and preferably in Vanilla and/or Peppermint variations.

For the sake of America's small businesses, workers, families and strippers, we must also make health care more affordable, accessible and non-lethal. A new product known as Health Savings Accounts helps control costs by allowing businesses or workers to buy low-cost insurance policies for catastrophic events and then save, tax-free, for routine medical expenses or body-part englargements. This year, I will ask Congress to take steps to make these accounts more available, more affordable, faster, stronger and more efficient. They will be the Steve Austin's of Health Plans, and they will cost six-million dollars.

Our small businesses are confronting other challenges that we must address. Male pattern baldness. Shower-shrinkage. Paternity lawsuits. Last year, we passed bipartisan class-action reform to ease this burden. Now Congress needs make it easier than ever to mess up and not get sued.

Rising energy costs are also a concern for small businesses, so we're going to continue to work to develop new technologies, like dimmer switches, and alternative and renewable fuels, like cats and Iraqi oil, that will make us less dependent on foreign sources of energy. And we will continue to use wars and the threat of terrorism to open up new markets for small businesses so they can sell their products and services at grossly inflated prices in anti-competitive marketplaces overseas. On a level playing field, I know our workers, farmers, and businesses can compete with anybody, anytime, anywhere. And lose.

America's economy is strong and growing stronger, much like the Incredible Hulk. Small businesses have been a driving force behind the tremendous growth, job creation and popularity of stripping in recent years.

By adopting sound policies that help our small businesses continue to grow and expand, we will keep the economy moving forward with the power of a dozen men, giant green skin and pants which strangely expand to maintain its modesty.

After all, you wouldn't like our economy when it's angry,

GWB

Alito's Way

2006-01-19T23:30:00.000-05:00

Last October, I was proud to nominate Judge Sam Alito to be an Associate Justice on the Supreme Court of the United States. In fact, I was in such a nominatin’ mood, I nominated him for Bachelor of the Year, to be on Punk’d, and, perhaps somewhat embarrassingly, for the Golden Globe for Best Musical or Comedy.

This week, Judge Alito testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and the American people who get C-SPAN saw a man of character, intelligence and mystery, but one who couldn’t even win a Golden Globe. He forthrightly avoided questions with grace and composure, and showed his personal humility, legal brilliance and the ability to cloud the mind using the ancient techniques of ninjitsu -- qualities that have made him one of America's most accomplished, respected and feared judges.
In his opening statement to the Committee, Judge Alito offered an eloquent description of the proper role of a judge. Perhaps not as eloquent as “Real People, Real Cases, Judge Judy,” but when he said "A judge cannot have any agenda, a judge cannot have any preferred outcome in any particular case. The judge's only obligation is to the rule of law. In every single case, the judge has to do what the law requires," I thought “This man is the Quentin Tarantino of Senate Judiciary Committee hearings.”
Judge Alito has embodied, and in one case disembodied, this understanding of a judge's proper role throughout his distinguished career. He has participated in thousands of appeals and telethons, and he has authored hundreds of opinions and the occasional Doonesbury.

His record shows that he strictly and fairly interprets the Constitution, laws and serving suggestions, and does not try to legislate from the bench or the beanbag, or impose his personal preference on the people. As the American people ignored this week, Judge Alito always approaches the law in a thoughtful, fair, and open-minded, if a little bit effeminate, way.
Throughout his life, Sam Alito has demonstrated a mastery of the law and the ways of the ninja, great decency, a strong commitment to public service, and a contemplative nature towards the bushido.

As a young man, he wore his country's uniform in the Army Reserve and the bedroom, and achieved the rank of Captain. Early in his legal career, he worked as a federal prosecutor and part-time dog walker. As Assistant to the Solicitor General, Sam Alito argued 12 cases and one valise before the Supreme Court. He later served in the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel, where he provided constitutional and relationship advice for the President, the executive branch and readers of the ‘Dear Sam Alito’ column of the Department’s newsletter.
In 1987, President Reagan named Sam Alito the United States Attorney for the District of New Jersey, and then promptly forgot about it. The Senate confirmed him by unanimous apathy.

In this important post, Sam Alito showed a passionate commitment to justice and the rule of law, and a penchant for wacky ties that earned him a reputation for being both tough, fair, and more ‘straight-guy than queer-eye’. He moved aggressively against white-collar and environmental crimes, drug trafficking, organized crime, violations of civil rights and mattress-tag removals. In 1990, the President Bush who wasn’t me nominated Sam Alito for the United States Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit and for inclusion in Time’s ‘100 Best Sam’s of the 80s’, and the Senate once again confirmed the judicial appointment, although Time would eventually rank Sam Malone of TV’s Cheers as number one. And with good cause.

He's served with distinction on that court for 15 years, and he has more prior judicial experience than any Supreme Court nominee in more than 70 years, especially that woman I nominated who wasn’t even a judge.
Sam Alito's brilliance, integrity, accomplishments and skill with nunchakus have gained him respect and praise from his colleagues and from attorneys across the political spectrum.

This week, fellow judges from the Third Circuit publicly testified in support of his confirmation, and they praised his integrity and fairness. The American Bar Association gave Judge Alito a unanimous rating of "well-qualified", and then picked him as their “Five-star odds-on 100 percent lock for the season!”

During this week's hearings and over the course of his career, Judge Alito has demonstrated that he is eminently qualified to serve on our Nation's highest court and to move stealthily from rooftop to rooftop with the grace of a cat.

Now the Senate has a duty to give Judge Alito a prompt up-or-down-or sideways vote. I look forward to the Senate voting to confirm Sam Alito as 110th Justice of the Supreme Court, if they can find him.

America is fortunate to have a man of his intellect and integrity and superhuman strength and speed willing to serve, and as a Justice on our Nation's highest court, Sam Alito will strike quickly to make all Americans proud, and then disappear into the shadows without a trace.

GWB

Roasting my chestnuts

2005-12-25T18:34:00.000-05:00

Laura and I send our best wishes, and the occasional spam about Viagra and breast implants to families across America as you gather in your homes and Superdomes to celebrate the holiday. Christmas is a time of joy, peace and obesity, and we hope the holiday season brings all of you happy reunions with families, friends and creepy uncles you're not even sure if your related to, and time to rest, reflect and break wind loudly as you look forward to a new year. We also hope it brings you a better sex life and bigger boobs.

At Christmas, we give thanks for the gift of the birth of Christ and/or Robosapiens, and for the blessings that surround us every day of the year, except President's day which is usually a bit of a downer. In this great and prosperous land, we have so much to be thankful for and against, and Christmas reminds us of our obligation to share these blessings with others, and then whinge when they don't share them back.

There are many among us who are hurting and require a helping hand, or are hurting because we leant a helping hand which was still covered in chillies. In the new year, I hope Americans will look for ways to volunteer your time and talents where they are needed most. By reaching out to a neighbor in need, we make our nation a more just and compassionate place, even as we start rumours about affairs and whatever it was they were digging that hole in their backyard for. I mean, it doesn't look like they're putting in a pool to me, and nobody's seens Artie for a while, that's all I'm saying.

This Christmas, we remember our fellow citizens who suffered from the hurricanes and other disastrous political appointments that struck our nation this past year. We pray for their strength as they continue to recover and rebuild their lives and their communities, without sufficient government assistance.

During the holiday season and throughout the year, we think with pride of the men and women of our Armed Forces, who are keeping our nation safe and attaching electrodes to the genitals of the world. In Iraq, Afghanistan, Nebraska and elsewhere, they are protecting our liberty by spreading liberty, and in some cases dystentery, to others.

The times we live in have brought many challenges to our country. Terrorism, poor political management, Everybody Loves Raymond and damn dirty apes among them. And at such times, the story of Christmas brings special comfort, confidence and boredom. Christmas reminds us that we can trust in God's promise of peace on Earth and goodwill toward men, and that virgin's can get pregnant.

On a night more than 2,000 years ago, an angel of the Lord brought good tidings of great joy: the God of Heaven had come to Earth, and He would be with us always.

Then we killed him.

Merry Christmas,

GWB.

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue - The President's Address to the Nation

2005-12-18T22:37:00.000-05:00

Three days ago, in large numbers, Iraqis went to the polls to choose their own leaders and CIA supported pseudo-leaders. Some of them just went along to pick stuff up at the bake sale, and a few thought it was an audition for Iraqi Idol, but overall it was a landmark day in the history of liberty and acapella Alicia Keys interpretations. In the coming weeks, the ballots will be counted, a new government formed, a Supreme Court challenge issued, a media circus convened, justice interrupted and a people who suffered in tyranny for so long will become full members of the free world with foreign troops in their country for some reason.

This election will not mean the end of violence. But it is the beginning of something new: voter apathy in Iraq. And this vote -- 6,000 miles away, in a vital region of the world -- means that America has an ally of growing strength in the fight against terror and the laziness against voting.

All who had a part in this achievement -- Iraqis, Americans, our coalition partners and one or two highly classified black-ops groups -- can be proud. Yet our work is not done, unless we are those who've lost the election. There is more testing, sacrifice and publicity seeking visits before us. I know many Americans have questions about the cost and direction of this war. And the answer is "quite a lot" and "down the toilet" respectively.

From this office, nearly three years ago, I announced the start of military operations in Iraq, and also, in several Eastern state, the lottery numbers. Our coalition confronted a regime that defied United Nations Security Council resolutions, violated a cease-fire agreement, sponsored terrorism, and possessed, we believed, weapons of mass destruction. And it wasn't America.

After the swift fall of Baghdad, we found mass graves filled by a dictator; we found some capacity to restart programs to produce weapons of mass destruction, and a suprisingly large collection of tapes of "Full House", but we did not find those weapons.

It is true that Saddam Hussein had a history of pursuing and using weapons of mass destruction. It is true that he systematically concealed those programs, and blocked the work of U.N. weapons inspectors. It is true that many nations believed that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. It is not true that he only had one ball.

As your President, I am responsible for the decision to go into Iraq, even though it violates my constitutional power to do so. Yet it was right to remove Saddam Hussein from power.

He was given an ultimatum -- and he made his choice for war by not handing over the weapons he now appears not to have had. And the result of that war was to rid the world of a murderous dictator who menaced his people, invaded his neighbors, declared America to be his enemy and failed in his bid to make the moustache fashionable.

Saddam Hussein, captured and jailed, is still the same raging tyrant -- only now without a throne, but with a beard. His power to harm a single man, woman, or child is gone forever. Also probably not going to touch those who aren't single. And the world is better for it.

Since the removal of Saddam, this war, like other wars in our history(except the original Gulf War, which was a piece of piss), has been difficult. The mission of American troops in urban raids and desert patrols, fighting Saddam loyalists and foreign terrorists, has brought danger, suffering, loss and Michael Moore documentaries.

This loss has caused sorrow for our whole nation -- and it has led some to ask if we are creating more problems than we're solving, or "if we're out of our freaking minds?!"

That is an important question, and the answer depends on your view of the war on terror. If you think the terrorists would become peaceful if only America would stop provoking them, then it might make sense to leave them alone.

Also if you think Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11, as all the evidence suggests, it would probably make some sense.

But I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Islam in the service of radical political aims -- a vision in which books are burned, and women are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed. And that's just in the first few pages of the Patriot Act.

The terrorists do not merely object to American actions in Iraq and elsewhere, they object to our deepest values and our way of life. Mainly our actions in Iraq and elsewhere, including the internal political stuff in Saudi Arabia in the 90s which actually created al-Qaeda. But if we were not fighting them in Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Southeast Asia, and in other places, the terrorists would not be peaceful citizens, they would be on the offense, and headed our way. But luckily for us, we'd have a lot of troops who weren't elsewhere here to protect us.

September the 11th, 2001 required us to take every emerging threat to our country seriously, and it shattered the illusion that terrorists attack us only after we provoke them, unless it was actually an internal political struggle in Saudi Arabia, who were provoked by business deals with the United States.

On that day, we were not in Iraq (technically many were), we were not in Afghanistan(which we had regarded as an ally), but the terrorists attacked us anyway -- and killed nearly 3,000 men, women, and children in our own country. My conviction comes down to this: We do not create terrorism by fighting the terrorists. We create it by fighting innocent civilians and invading their countries on flimsy justifications.

The work in Iraq has been especially difficult -- more difficult than we expected. Reconstruction efforts and the training of Iraqi security forces started more slowly than we hoped, or, when we finally got around to it, planned. We continue to see violence and suffering, caused by an enemy that is determined and brutal, and an occupying force that is easily confused and heavily armed.

Some look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude that the war is lost, and not worth another dime or another day. But they obviously haven't won lucrative "no-bid" contracts.

America, our coalition, and Iraqi leaders are working toward the same goal -- getting our troops out and media attention off what's left behind.

We have put in place a strategy to achieve this goal -- a strategy I've been discussing in detail over the last few weeks. This plan has three critical elements.

First, our coalition will remain on the offense, and will be running no-huddle, calling plays at the line and attempting to gain rushing yardage.

Second, we're helping the Iraqi government establish the institutions of a unified and lasting democracy, like corruption, family-based nepotism and a religiously reactionary classifications board.

Third, after a number of setbacks, our coalition is moving forward with a reconstruction plan to revive Iraq's economy and infrastructure -- by outsourcing our telemarketing to them.

In all three aspects of our strategy -- security, democracy, and reconstruction -- we have learned from our experiences, and fixed what has not worked, such as when we had no plan at all. We will continue to listen to honest criticism, and make every change that will help us complete the mission, except if those suggestions come from Democrats, terrorists and/or leprechauns. Yet there is a difference between honest critics who recognize what is wrong, and defeatists who refuse to see that anything is right. And leprechauns.

Defeatism may have its partisan uses, but it is not justified by the facts -- just as the whole war in Iraq wasn't. For every scene of destruction in Iraq, there are more scenes of rebuilding and hope, most of which aren't shown on television. For every life lost, there are countless more lives reclaimed or corpses reanimated in macabre experiments. My fellow citizens: Not only can we win the war in Iraq, we are winning the war in Iraq. Which I declared over more than a year ago.

It is also important for every American to understand the consequences of pulling out of Iraq before our work is done. Low opininon polls. Weeks of people saying "told you so." The French would be right. And bloggers would have nothing to talk about.

We're approaching a new year, and there are certain things all Americans can expect to see. Fireworks, a giant ball, two ugly people tongue-pashing and some drunk and disorderly behaviour.

As these achievements come, it should require fewer American troops to accomplish our mission, which is lucky, because the number we have is dwindling.

In the months ahead, all Americans will have a part in the success of this war. Escpecially if we do introduce the draft.

I also want to speak to those of you who did not support my decision to send troops to Iraq: I have heard your disagreement, and I know how deeply it is felt, and how smug that makes you feel. Yet now there are only two options before our country -- victory or defeat. And the need for victory is larger than any president or political party, except that fatty-boombah McKinley. I don't expect you to support everything I do, but tonight I have a request: Please stop egging my car.

Americans can expect some things of me, as well. Ignorance, mispronunciations, corruption, incompetence and the occasional photo of me and Barney at the ranch mainly.

Next week, Americans will gather to celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah, or to protest about them. Many families will be praying for loved ones spending this season far from home -- in Iraq, Afghanistan, or with second families hidden in Ohio and parts of Utah. Our nation joins in those prayers, unless they are at schools, where it is strictly forbidden.

We remember the words of the Christmas carol, written during the Civil War: "Christ, it's cold here, and people keep shooting at me. What the hell was the President thinking? Oh well, go on love, my wife won't be home for hours."

I think there's something in that for all of us,

GWB

I spy with my little NSA

2005-12-17T16:00:00.000-05:00

As President, I took an oath to defend the Constitution, and an oath to never dance half-naked to the Hustle again. I also took 45 dollars in change and the last Oreos. Sorry Al.

I have no greater responsibility than to protect our people, our freedom, and our way of life, and no greater failing than that as well. On September the 11th, 2001, our freedom and way of life came under attack by brutal enemies who killed nearly 3,000 innocent Americans, and a few guilty ones who have pretty much gotten away with it by now. We're fighting these enemies across the world, although since they actually all died in the attacks, we're really fighting other people, some of whom are entirely unrelated to these events. Yet in this first war of the 21st century, one of the most critical battlefronts is the home front, which is ironic considering we haven't deployed any troops here. And since September the 11th, we've been on the offensive against the terrorists plotting within our borders. Before then, we were happy just to ignore them.

One of the first actions we took to protect America after our nation was attacked to finish reading "My Pet Goat", and then to ask Congress to pass the Patriot Act. The Patriot Act tore down the legal and bureaucratic wall that kept law enforcement and intelligence authorities from doing anything illegal or shifty, and from sharing vital information about terrorist threats and ex-girlfriends. And the Patriot Act allowed federal investigators to pursue terrorists with tools they already used against other criminals, or at least would be using if they weren't now diverting all their resources to spy on ex-girlfriends. Congress passed this law with a large, bipartisan majority, including a vote of 98-1 in the United States Senate. That one guy was the one who read it, so he was hardly in a position to judge.

Since then, America's law enforcement personnel have used this critical law to prosecute terrorist operatives, their supporters and innocent people mostly named Mohammed, and to break up terrorist cells, darts clubs and "George W Bush" look-alike contests in New York, Oregon, Virginia, California, Texas and Ohio. The Patriot Act has accomplished exactly what it was designed to do: erode human rights and increase military and intelligence funding under the guise of protecting those very same freedoms.

Yet key provisions of this law are set to expire in two weeks. The terrorist threat to our country will not expire in two weeks, unless it has a really big New Year's bash, as I am intending to do. The terrorists want to attack America again, and inflict even greater damage than they did on September the 11th. I assume, anyway. They may not care less.

Congress has a responsibility to ensure that law enforcement and intelligence officials have the tools, or at the very least, are the tools, we need to protect the American people.

The House of Representatives passed reauthorization of the Patriot Act. Yet a minority of senators filibustered, and in one case, performed a musical reenactment of "Last Action Hero" to block the renewal of the Patriot Act when it came up for a vote yesterday. That decision is irresponsible, and not the least because the Arnold Schwarzennegger impression was quite frankly horrible, and it endangers the lives of our citizens by putting ideas into Arnie's head.

The senators who are filibustering must stop their delaying tactics, and the Senate must vote to reauthorize the Patriot Act. Or else, we'll use the Patriot act to arrest them and take them away. It's a catch-22, bitches!

In the war on terror, we cannot afford to be without this law for a single moment, except obviously for all those moments when it was on the books prior to September the 11th as an idea left over from the Clinton administration and summarily ignored by mine.

To fight the war on terror, I am using authority vested in me by Congress, and the power of Graysklull, including the Joint Authorization for Use of Military Force, which passed overwhelmingly in the first week after September the 11th, along with a variety of prescription and non-prescription medication, some of which passed through my bloodstream overwhelmingly in the first week after September the 11th. I'm also using constitutional authority vested in me as Commander-in-Chief, and vague wording.

In the weeks following the terrorist attacks on our nation, I authorized the National Security Agency, consistent with U.S. law and the Constitution, to intercept the international communications of people with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist organizations. Such as my dad, me, and Donald Rumsfeld.

Before we intercept these communications, the government must have information that establishes a clear link to these terrorist networks. And you all know how responsibly we take that task - just look at how we did in Iraq with Saddam.

This is a highly classified program that is crucial to our national security, and to Bob from Accounting. Its purpose is to detect and prevent terrorist attacks against the United States, our friends and allies and to see if Bob's girlfriend is sleeping with that no-good son of a bitch from Publicity.

Yesterday the existence of this secret program was revealed in media reports, after being improperly provided to news organizations, and not by Karl Rove this time. As a result, our enemies have learned information they should not have, and Jay Leno and David Letterman have had to rewrite planned monologues about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The unauthorized disclosure of this effort damages our national security and puts our citizens at risk of more bad Presidential impressions and Top 10 lists.

Revealing classified information is illegal, alerts our enemies, and endangers our country, unless it is done by members of my administration for political gain.

As the 9/11 Commission pointed out, it was clear that terrorists inside the United States were communicating with terrorists abroad before the September the 11th attacks, often making use of Verizon's cheap call plans and bonus minutes. The commission criticized our nation's inability to uncover links between terrorists here at home and terrorists abroad, although we were able to link them to Kevin Bacon.

Two of the terrorist hijackers who flew a jet into the Pentagon, Nawaf al Hamzi and Khalid al Mihdhar, communicated while they were in the United States to other members of al Qaeda who were overseas. But we didn't know they were here, until it was too late. Now, with Vonage, it's even harder.

The authorization I gave the National Security Agency after September the 11th helped address that problem in a way that is fully consistent with my constitutional responsibilities and authorities, even if not with my constitutional powers or laws. The activities I have authorized make it more likely that killers like these 9/11 hijackers will be identified and located in time, and eventually, in space.

And the activities conducted under this authorization have helped detect and prevent possible terrorist attacks, and definite adultery, in the United States and abroad.

The activities I authorized are reviewed approximately every 45 days, often by Roger Ebert, who gives them two-thumbs up. Each review is based on a fresh intelligence assessment of terrorist threats to the continuity of our government and the threat of catastrophic damage to our homeland, and shiftiness on a scale of one to ten. During each assessment, previous activities under the authorization are reviewed or ignored. The review includes approval by our nation's top legal officials, including the Attorney General and the Counsel to the President. So there must be no conflict of interest there. Just ask them - they're a former Counsel to the President and a recent Supreme Court nominee.

I have reauthorized this program more than 30 times since the September the 11th attacks, and I intend to do so for as long as our nation faces a continuing threat from al Qaeda and related groups, even if that's after I'm President.

This authorization is a vital tool in our war against the terrorists, and in making me feel like a big man. It is critical to saving American lives and marriages. The American people expect me to do everything in my power under our laws and Constitution to protect them and their civil liberties. Some of them in the red states expect me to turn into Mecha-GWB and crush our opponents under the robotic feet of a giant robot President.

And that is exactly what I will continue to do, so long as I'm the President of the United States.

Bring it on, Godzilla!

GWB

You can't spell Patriot Act without patriot (or act)

2005-12-12T03:44:00.000-05:00

This week members of a House and Senate conference committee reached an agreement on reauthorization of the Patriot Act, and the reordering of two large Quattro-Stagionis, a garlic bread, and the alphabet. It now goes YXZ.

Since its passage after the attacks of September the 11th, 2001, the Patriot Act has proved essential to fighting the war on terror, arresting weird looking dudes and preventing our enemies from striking America again, as well as a surprising number of Michael Moore books.

This week's agreement would renew all 16 provisions of the Patriot Act that are scheduled to expire at the end of this month -- and it would make 14 of these provisions permanent. The thing is, we're not telling you which 14. It's like the ten commandments - you'd better follow them all, because you'll never know which six are the real ones (although I suspect the coveting bit was made up).

It reauthorizes critical national security tools, while bolstering the Patriot Act's significant protections of civil liberties - in many case by placing those civil liberties behind bars. It also includes provisions to fight crime and terrorism at America's seaports and see-saws, and tougher criminal penalties and increased resources to combat the dangerous spread of methamphetamine abuse throughout our country. Which even I'm beginning to suspect may not have been the original point of the thing.

I applaud the conference committee for its good work. Proper applause too, not some sarcastic slow-clap. Now Congress needs to finish the job. Which would be a first. Both the Senate and the House need to hold a prompt vote, and send me a bill renewing the Patriot Act so I can sign it into law. And whichever smartass it was who sent me the bill for the two pizzas and a garlic bread needs to apologise. I don't even eat Quattro-Stagioni.

Over the past four years, the Patriot Act has been a strong weapon for going after the terrorists and diet-terrorists. America's law enforcement and intelligence personnel have put the Patriot Act to wise, effective, and occasionally amusing or though-provoking use while protecting our civil liberties from those of us who wish to express them. They have used the law to prosecute terrorist operatives, supporters and nutcases who try to set their shoes on fire, or break up terror cells and library groups in New York, Oregon, Virginia, California, Texas, and Ohio.

The Patriot Act has accomplished exactly what it was designed to do -- it has been rushed through in the wake of a national tragedy with minimum inspection, and with a name which makes expressing opposition to it very hard. It has protected American liberty, saved American lives, and caused long queues at airport security.

By renewing the Patriot Act, we will ensure that our law enforcement and intelligence officers have the tools they need to protect our citizens, and the laws they need to render those they don't want to protect as non-citizens. The Patriot Act tore down the legal and bureaucratic wall that kept law enforcement and intelligence authorities from sharing vital information about terrorist threats, and replaced it with an attitude of distrust and an overwhelming stench which served the same role. .

The Patriot Act also allowed federal investigators to pursue terrorists with the same tools they already use against other criminals. Many of them legal.

The Patriot Act is helping America defeat our enemies while safeguarding civil liberties for all our people, except those who look weird. The judicial branch has a strong oversight role in the application of the Patriot Act, which could only be stronger if the judicial branch were unbiased and didn't owe their positions to my government.

Congress also oversees our use of the Patriot Act, and the Astronaut Pen of Destiny. Attorney General Gonzales delivers regular reports on the Patriot Act to the House and the Senate, along with the occasional movie review. He really liked Chronicles of Narnia.

The valuable protections of the Patriot Act will expire at the end of this month if Congress fails to act, but the terrorist threats will not expire on that schedule.

They're due to end some time in February.

GWB

GWB- Alien Hunter

2005-12-05T16:17:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I visited Arizona and Texas to observe firsthand our efforts to protect our southwest border, and a rodeo. Those little kids riding sheep are so cool. Unfortunately, Cheney won't let me put them on the flag, and replace the stars with one big YEEHAA!

I met with customs and border protection agents who are working tirelessly to enforce our laws and keep our borders secure, while at the same time promoting free and fair trade of cocaine and other drugs.

Illegal immigration and border security are issues that concern Americans. We're a nation built on the rule of law, and those who enter the country illegally break the law. Did the pilgrims enter America illegally? Or did they get the permission of pre-existing authorities to come in, take over and spread the word and syphillis?

I think I've made my point.

In communities near our border illegal immigration strains the resources of schools, hospitals, law enforcement and all-you-can-eat buffets. And it involves smugglers and gangs that bring crime to our neighborhoods, many of which already struggle with smugglers and gangs of their own.

Faced with this serious challenge our government's responsibility is clear. We'll ignore it, then overreact, then fail to implement any of our suggestions, then blame the whole thing on Clinton.

Since I took office we've increased funding for border security by 60 percent, and our border agents have caught and sent home more than 4.5 million illegal immigrants, including more than 350,000 with criminal records, and an uncountable amount with the last name Rodriguez. Yet we must do more to build on this progress.

This week I outlined my comprehensive strategy to reform our immigration system, and also my hand. The strategy begins with a three-part plan to protect our borders. First we will promptly return every illegal entrant we catch at our border, with no exceptions, unless they're good at baseball or one of the mainstream Olympic events.

For illegal immigrants from Mexico, we are working to expand an innovative program called interior repatriation, in which those caught at the border are returned to their hometowns, far from the border, making it more difficult for them to attempt another crossing. The weird thing with this program though is how many are apparently already from places in Texas.

For non-Mexican illegal immigrants, we're changing the unwise policy of catch and release, and our even unwiser policy of catch and toss, to a policy of catch and return, and we're speeding up the removal process.

Second, we must fix weak and unnecessary provisions in our immigration laws, such as those involving compassion, weak, timid, or those yearning to be free.

Third, we must stop people from crossing the border illegally in the first place. So we're going to hide it.

Comprehensive immigration reform also requires us to improve enforcement of our laws in the interior of our country, because border security and interior enforcement go hand-in-hand, like gay lovers.

Finally, comprehensive immigration reform requires us to create a new temporary worker program that relieves pressure on the border, but rejects amnesty or any semblance of workers' rights. By creating a legal channel for willing employers to hire willing workers we will reduce the number of workers trying to sneak across the border, and that would free up law enforcement officers to focus on criminals, drug dealers, terrorists, and American Idol contestants.

This program would not create an automatic path to citizenship, and it would not provide amnesty. I oppose amnesty. Amnesty International as well.

Our nation has been strengthened by generations of immigrants who became Americans through patience, hard work, assimilation, and healthy campaign contributions. In this new century we must continue to welcome legal immigrants and help them learn the customs and values that unite all Americans, including liberty and civic responsibility, equality under God, tolerance for others, the English language, and not to laugh when tough guys talk about squeezing one in to the Tight End.

Just don't tell them about free speech. Or voting. Or any of those other pesky rights.

GWB

Tonight, on a very special Thanksgiving episode

2005-11-29T17:26:00.000-05:00

This week, we gather with our loved ones to give thanks for the many blessings in our lives, then get drunk, eat a lot of turkey, watch some football, argue with each other, loosen our parts and thank god we don't have to see all our relatives for another year.

Each family has its own traditions, yet we are united as a nation in setting aside a day of gratitude, and also in eating too much. We are thankful for our family and friends, who fill our lives with joy and love, and sometimes noxious fumes.

We are thankful for the abundance of this prosperous land, and that most of it is in the middle so we can just fly over it. Not that I've got a problem with Nebraska, you understand. I just wouldn't want to live there, or see it.

We are thankful for the freedom that makes possible the enjoyment of all these gifts even if we now do so under the watchful eyes of FBI agents, sattelites, and, no doubt, anal probes. And we acknowledge with humility that all these blessings and life itself come from Almighty God, or some form of complex chemical reaction.

On Thanksgiving and throughout the year, we are grateful to the men and women of our Armed Forces for securing the peace in these dangerous times, and for looking cool when I fly in to do a press conference. Many members of our Armed Forces are observing this holiday in places far from home, either because they're stationed there or they have illegitimate families there. Or they've been deported from the United States.

They are serving with courage and skill in Iraq, Afghanistan, and elsewhere (cough Syria cough Iran cough Rhode Island) to defend our freedom and extend the blessings of freedom to others. In the past year, these brave Americans have continued to fight terrorists abroad so we do not have to face them here at home. Because who wants to face these Americans here at home?

They have helped the people of Iraq and Afghanistan hold historic and successful elections, and also experience historicly high death tolls. They are America's finest, and we thank them today and every day for their service and sacrifice. Except Christmas Day and Easter, which are more about presents and chocolate. And New Years Day, I suppose. And technically, Veterans' Day isn't about them yet.

This week we also extend our gratitude to our military families, who are making great sacrifices to advance freedom's cause. Many of our servicemen and women have endured long deployments and separations from home. Many of those they leave behind must deal with the burden of raising families while praying for the safe return of their loved ones, and within an increasingly mismanaged economy. All Americans honor and appreciate the commitment and sacrifice of our military families, even as we cut their benefits.

The Thanksgiving holiday reminds us that, "to whom much is given, from him much will be required." Ironically, this message is the exact opposite of my tax laws.

As we count our blessings, we are mindful of the need to share our blessings, gifts and B-list celebrities with others, and America is moved to compassionate action. This compassionate spirit was seen again this year, when Americans rallied to help their neighbors in need after the destruction caused by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, and to ignore, at least initially, the devastation of the Tsunami.

This week of Thanksgiving, we ask that God continue to bless our families and our nation, even as we, the government, continue to screw them over.

Laura and I wish you all a happy and safe Thanksgiving weekend. Now, to loosen my pants and let the over-eating begin!

GWB

Talking Turkey

2005-11-22T17:51:00.000-05:00

It's a pleasure to be able to introduce you, soon, to the National Thanksgiving Turkey. His name is Donald Rumsfeld. Oh, no, he just looks like a Turkey.

Actually the Turkey's names are Marshmallow and Yam. But you didn't hear it from me. Or Karl Rove. What do you mean this thing's on? Oh crap, it's the whole Vicki Plame thing all over again.

The White House is called the people's house, and we're going to call Marshmallow and Yam the people's turkeys. And we're going to call my incompetence the people's incompetence.

These Turkeys made it here through a democratic process. There was a nationwide election on the White House website. In the end, the voters made the choice, and it was a close election. There were recounts, and a number of black turkeys were found to have been mysteriously scrubbed from the electroral rolls in Florida. You might say it was neck and neck, but they won the Democratic process. And in the process, Marshmallow became the new Democratic Senator for Maine.

I'm going to grant a pardon this afternoon, and the pardon I grant comes with a new measure of responsibility and fame for Marshmallow and Yam. In the past years, the turkeys I spared went on to lead lives of leisure at Frying Pan Park in the state of Virginia. It was literally a case of out of the fire and into the Fryin Pan.

This year is going to be a little different.

Not weird different. I mean, they're nice looking turkeys, but you've got to have some standards.

I'm proud to announce that Marshmallow and Yam will serve as honorary grand marshals at Disneyland's Thanksgiving Day Parade. And they'll go on to spend the rest of their natural lives at Disneyland. Probably queueing for Space Mountain based on the lines I saw there last time.

The granting of the turkey pardon is not a responsibility that I take lightly, like declaring war or economic management.

Thanksgiving is a holiday rooted in the American spirit of gratitude, sharing and invasion of poorly defended regions in pursuit of an idealized religious zealotry. We see this spirit in America today.

When the communities along the Gulf Coast were devastated by Hurricane Katrina, Americans came together to provide help for their neighbors in need, and eventually ask why the government wasn't doing that. It was a remarkable outpouring of compassion, generosity and B-list celebrities. That outpouring of compassion demonstrated once again that the great strength of our country lies in the hearts and souls of our citizens, and not in that of the government or its subsidiaries.

We also give thanks on Thanksgiving for our many blessings, and we thank those who are far away from home who protect our freedoms, or form human pyramids out of naked Iraqis. It's through the courage and skill of our Armed Forces that we're safe as a nation, and we're very proud of their service. We just wish they didn't take photos.

Our guest of honor seems about ready to come on in and say hello.

So without further ado, I grant Marshmallow and Yam a presidential pardon... and Karl Rove.

Whew, just snuck it in there.

Now, to the ritualistic eating of the losers,

GWB.

The Wrath of Khan

2005-11-21T16:37:00.000-05:00

Amar bain uu?

Sorry - I feel like an extra in Lord of the Rings.

I'm here on an important international mission - to get drunk and to par-tay! But since my Contiki tour of Europe was cancelled, I came here to Mongolia because Secretary Rumsfeld asked me to check on his horse. I thought he meant his wife. Boy was my face red. But not as red as his wife's.

I feel very much at home here in your country. This is a beautiful land, with huge skies and vast horizons -- kind of like Texas. You can't understand what people are saying, and anything important happened hundreds of years ago - kind of like Texas.

I thank you for the invitation. I'm honored to be the first sitting American President to visit Mongolia, and the first fist-fighting American President to punch a horse.

Fifteen years ago, Mongolians gathered outside this great hall by the thousands, braving sub-zero temperatures and defying a repressive regime, to demand their liberty. A day later, some others gathered, ones who hadn't got the memo, or who thought it was going to be a daily thing. The protesters included students and workers and monks, a group of young democrats on a hunger strike, and a travelling troupe of washboard players from Ohio. By the force of their convictions, and in many cases odour, they drove the communist leadership from power.

Within months, free elections were held, and a free Mongolia was born. And today, one of the young hunger strikers who stood vigil outside the building now serves as the Prime Minister of your great nation. And the washboard troupe has, thankfully, left.

Mongolia has made the transition from communism to freedom, and in just 15 years, you've established a vibrant democracy and opened up your economy. You're an example of success for this region and for the world. I'm going to give you a star.

I know the transition to liberty has not always been easy and Americans admire your patience and your determination. One day, we too will make the transition to liberty. By your daily efforts, you're building a better life for your children and your grandchildren, or cheap teddy bears.

And I've come to tell you, as you build a free society in the heart of Central Asia, the American people stand with you. But I wouldn't walk too fast, if you know what I'm saying.

Americans and Mongolians have much in common. The "-ans" at the end of their name. Both our nations were settled by pioneers on horseback who tamed the rugged plains, although in our case it was actually by some religious nutcases and the Mormons. Both our nations shook the yoke of colonial rule, and built successful free societies. And both our nations have really unusual cooking shows on cable.

Next year, your country will celebrate the 800th anniversary of the founding of Mongolia.

There's a legend of a Mongolian woman who gave each of her five sons an arrow. She told each to break the arrow in his hand, which they did. She then tied the five arrows together, and told each to try and break the bundle. None could do it. And she told them, brothers who stand alone, like single arrow shafts, can be broken by anyone; but brothers who stand together, like a bundle of arrows, cannot be broken. Then one of them threw the bundle at his brother, and he lost an eye. Hence the expression: "It's all fun and games until someone takes a metaphor too far".

I've come here to thank you for your contributions to freedom's cause and to tell you that the American people appreciate your courage and value your friendship. I've also come here for some Mongolian barbeque.

Now, let the quaffing begin,

GWB

This is your Medicare on Drugs

2005-11-12T16:38:00.000-05:00

This coming Tuesday, America's Medicare beneficiaries can begin to enroll for new prescription drug coverage, and Tae Bo 2005 classes with Donald "Rowdy" Rumsfeld. This new benefit is the greatest advance in health care for seniors and Americans with disabilities since the creation of Medicare 40 years ago. And that was the greatest advance since sliced bread. Which was, in its own way, over-rated. I mean, anyone can cut bread up, but it takes a lot more skill to make people feel safe about health while siphoning off more funding for guns and cool stuff.

Am I right, or am I right?

In the past, Medicare would pay tens of thousands of dollars for ulcer surgery, but not a few hundred dollars for prescription drugs that eliminate the cause of most ulcers. Which goes to show Medicare has the same grasp of economics as me. And how many ulcers you get if you try to use it.

In the past, Medicare would pay more than $100,000 to treat the effects of a stroke, but not $1,000 per year for blood-thinning drugs that could have prevented the stroke in the first place. Not even a measly $5 so you could get a hamburger and chips to take your mind off it.

In the past, Medicare would pay you lots of money if you managed to wangle through a shifty insurance fraud, but nothing if you choked on a pretzel.

With this new prescription drug benefit, Medicare will now help pay for the prescription drugs that can prevent serious illness, and that in turn will leave more money for the illegal drugs which can prevent serious bogusness.

Seniors will get more choices and better treatment, and will still complain about it. And America will get a Medicare system to fit the needs of the 21st century. I'm thinking of calling it Robo-Medicare.

The new coverage will begin on January 1st, although since its a public holiday, nowhere you can use it will be open.

If you or someone you love depends on Medicare,, say your goodbyes and thenlearn about the new choices you have so you can make a decision and enroll. Enrollment is entirely voluntary, and may or may not enter you into the draft.

Seniors who want to keep their Medicare coverage the way it is will be able to do so. But most of them will die soon anyway.

But for those who want to take advantage of this new drug benefit, enrolling by May 15th will ensure you the lowest possible premiums, and the lowest possible care. The sooner you enroll, the sooner you can have the peace of mind this coverage will bring. And the sooner I can move up to the next level on the Medicare selling Pyramid Scheme.

The new prescription drug coverage will benefit people on Medicare in three important ways. First, it will help all seniors and Americans with disabilities pay for prescription drugs, no matter how they pay for their medicine now. Except if they pay for it by sex. That's just creepy.

Second, this new coverage will offer more and better health care choices than ever before. That means seniors can save more and get the coverage they want -- not a "one size fits all" plan that does not meet their needs, or girth. Every prescription drug plan will offer a broad choice of generic and brand-name drugs, as well as a few "collector's edition" drugs not available in other plans.

Third, it will fight crime in a futuristic Chicago wasteland.

The days of low-income seniors having to make painful sacrifices to pay for their prescription drugs are now coming to an end, as are low-income seniors. Last month, those of you on Medicare received in the mail a handbook called "Medicare and You", and also an offer for "Medicare and the Great Glass Elevator".

If you have Medicare, I urge you to take advantage of this opportunity to learn more. You can get information 24 hours a day by calling 1-800-MEDICARE, or by visiting the official Medicare website at Medicare.gov.

Please have your credit card ready, our operators are standing by.

In the 21st century, preventing and treating illness often require prescription drugs. Eventually it will all be done by nanotechnology and shamans. In the coming months, we will help every Medicare recipient make a confident choice about their prescription drug coverage.

Of course, most of them will be on drugs.

GWB

I told you I'd be back.

2005-11-05T13:32:00.000-05:00

Well, okay, I didn't.

There comes a time in every President's presidency when, for reasons best left discussed elsewhere, he is replaced with a replicant and/or clone, as detailed in summer blockbusters "The Island", "House of Wax" and, to a certain extent "Herbie:Fully Loaded". That, ladies and gentlemen, has been my past three months.

While I have been touring across this wide, crazy, and surprisingly pungent nation, my life, my Presidency itself has been hijacked by an impostor. The sort of man who'd completely mismanage the economy, which I was totally getting around to fixing. The sort of man who'd mishandle the response to Hurricane Katrina, and fail to repair my mistakes in appointing that horse-training guy as head of FEMA. In short, they did a damn good job.

And for a while, I was satisfied. It gave me a chance to indulge my Dennis Hopper fantasies in reenacting Easy Rider (not the heavy drug use fantasies which, well, you know that story). Of course I didn't do it from the back of a bike, or "hog" as someone cool might call it. I went with a Contiki tour.

A shout out to all my new found drinking buddies! Whooohooo!

From the tour of the movie stars homes in Hollywood, to losing my shirt, pants, and about a third of North Dakota in Vegas; from failing to jump over the Grand Canyon to learning that being President can get you shot in Dallas; from my personal highlight of meeting Mickey Mouse to my personal low-light of learning I'm still not on Mt Rushmore, and neither is Rushmore, I've learned to love this country I've been secretly trying to destroy for the past 6 years of my Presidency.

But now, here in Mar del Plata, with both my approval and trust ratings at an all-time low, it is sadly time to come back to the world of being President, and probably go on vacation again.

Now, what did I miss?

GWB

Who judges the judges?

2005-07-25T20:02:00.000-04:00

Under the Constitution, one of the most consequential decisions a President makes is an appointment to the Supreme Court, or, in the case of President Clinton, an appointment to the sperm bank.

This week I was proud to announce my nomination of Judge John Roberts to be the Supreme Court's next Associate Justice and Guy in Santa Suit.

Judge Roberts has a stellar record of achievement, as well as a slightly worse preserved record of the best of Huey Lewis and the News. He is a man of sound judgment, with the highest integrity and a soprano voice that could melt ice cubes.

He has the qualities Americans expect in a judge -- robes, a gavel and a high chair. He has profound respect for the rule of law, the liberties guaranteed to every citizen, and how best to subvert them both in pursuit of the government's goal of world domination.

He will strictly apply the Constitution and laws, not legislate from the bench. Or the recliner or the bean-bag.

Judge Roberts currently serves on the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit, which is often considered America's second highest court, and if marijuana were legalised, they'd be the highest.

He has also served as a top lawyer at the Department of Justice, an attorney in the White House for President Ronald Reagan, a distinguished advocate in private practice, and a pool cleaner during that summer when he was trying to save up for a new Trans-Am.

He gained early experience at the Supreme Court as a law clerk to Justice William Rehnquist when he was just 4 years old, and graduated with high honors from both Harvard College and Harvard Law School by the time he was 9. And as a young man growing up in Indiana, he captained his high school football team and worked summers in a steel mill to earn money for college and dispel rumours that he was gay. His life was the inspiration for TV's "Doogie Howser, M.D.", although several key facts were changed to protect his identity.

One of the highest honors for any lawyer is to argue a case before the Supreme Court. Which goes to show just how boring lawyers are. In his extraordinary career, Judge Roberts has argued a remarkable 39 cases and three incorrect lunch orders before the nation's highest court.

He is known by Democrats and Republicans alike as a brilliant thinker, a fair-minded judge, a decent man and a hell of a skee-ball player. After I nominated Judge Roberts to the Court of Appeals in 2001, a bipartisan group of more than 150 lawyers sent a letter to the Senate Judiciary Committee -- threatening to sue them for creating laws which made their clients criminals.

The next step for Judge Roberts is the Senate confirmation process. The process is off to a good start. He's balanced the jug on his chin for three hours, and set a new record in the limbo portion of the process.

Democrats and Republicans have expressed their respect for Judge Roberts' qualifications, intellect, and taught, muscular chest, just as they did two years ago when they confirmed him to be a federal appeals court judge by unanimous and SMS poll consent.

In the weeks ahead, the Senate will have an opportunity to rise above partisanship, and in one spectacular case, the Lincoln Memorial. I've spoken to Senate Majority Leader Frist and Minority Leader Reid, as well as Chairman and Ranking Member of the Judiciary Committee, Senators Specter and Leahy. These senators share my goal of an orderly and dignified confirmation process, and also of getting the WB to pick up Global Frequency as a mid-season replacement.

It is important that Judge Roberts be confirmed before the Court reconvenes on October the 3rd, or else he might feel left out and come hanging around my place. And I love him, I do, but the Prime Minister of Mexico's coming, and you know how Judge Roberts can get.

President Clinton's two appointments to the Supreme Court proved that the Senate can conduct a thorough review and vote on a nominee within a reasonable timetable. They also proved that Clinton was popular. I'm not 100 percent on receiving the same result.

America is fortunate to have a man of such wisdom and intellectual strength willing to serve our country. If only he could do magic too, then I'd stop having to try and get David Copperfield to replace Dick Cheney.

I'm grateful to Judge Roberts' wife, Jane, and their two children, Jack and Josie, despite their lack of imagination with first names.

I look forward to the Senate voting to confirm Judge John Roberts as 109th justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, and also sexiest Federal Court Judge, 2005.

I also look forward to the new season of "Desperate Housewives".

GWB

Rove, Rove, Rove Your Boat

2005-07-20T17:19:00.000-04:00

There comes a time when there is so much controversy, so much questioning and so much intrigue that a President has to make a commitment on an issue, no matter how little he wants to.

That time is now.

I believe Mary-Kate is the superior actress.

Anyway, while I'm at it I may as well address this Karl Rove thing. First of all, Karl is an acceptable, if more unique spelling.

I know I've previously promised not to comment on this issue, and that remains the case. But I never said anything about blogging.

It is true that I've promised to fire anyone responsible for leaking the information about Vicki, and because of that, Vicki Plame has now been fired. After all, it's entirely her fault, because without her there would be no information to leak. I also planned to fire anyone who named her, and to that end her parents have also been fired.

It could well be true that Karl said Vicki Plame was a CIA agent. That's what Karl does. He calls everyone a CIA agent. He called me a CIA agent twice yesterday. From him, it's a compliment.

I wish to deny absolutely that Karl would have leaked this information as revenge for Ms Plame's husband's comments about the case for the war in Iraq.

That was what the wedgie was for.

I'm also not 100 percent convinced that Vicki Plame was a CIA agent, because she's nowhere near hot enough. If she is, then she's just ruined about half-a-dozen of my Alias-based fantasies.

There will be an investigation into whether or not Karl was responsible for leaking the fact that Vicki Plame was a CIA agent. Until such time as he is found guilty by that investigation, or it becomes ridiculously obvious that he did it, he has my full support.

After that time, he'll resign and I'll appoint him Ambassador to the Bahamas. And my political skill will likely take a dive.

Except that there will be no further outcome, because I'm hereby appointing Karl Rove as a CIA agent, which means whoever named him is in real trouble.

Except that would be me. Or would it?

GWB

Australia's Prime Minister isn't the Crocodile Hunter?

2005-07-19T17:33:00.000-04:00

Laura and I are honored to welcome Prime Minister John Howard and Janette back to the White House, and Back to the Future.

We're really glad you're here, because I need a hand moving some furniture, and Dick Cheney's too weak. We're looking forward to having, this time, a true family lunch, upstairs, and hopefully latter, a true Frat House kegger out the back.

It's a chance for two old friends, friends who happen to be old to visit, to talk, to strategize and occassionally to make up Limericks about Tony Blair and his underwear.

I got to tell you, I admire John Howard a lot. In a non-gay way, at least. If I were gay, he probably wouldn't be my type, but then beggars can't be choosers.

He's a man of conviction, I'm a man with convictions. He's got backbone, I'm an asshole. He's not afraid to make the hard decision, I'm not afraid to make the wrong decision.

Plus, he married well. I'm way hotter, but as I explained, that option's not on the table.

I appreciate a man of vision, as long as it's not X-ray. I am looking forward to working with him in his fourth term in office, for the betterment of our own people and for the betterment of the world. And to figure out how I can get a couple more terms out of this Presidency thing.

Australia and the United States share a commitment to freedom, and several letters. We understand we compete against an ideology of hatred, an ideology that murders the innocent in order to achieve objectives.

See, we don't do it for an ideology. We do it for the money.

We know we must be steadfast and strong when it comes to bringing to justice those who would kill innocent life -- like those who got killed in New York City and Washington, D.C. and Bali and London, and other places around the world.

But we also understand that attacking Iraq was easier than doing that.

We also understand that to defeat an ideology, you've got to have a better ideology -- or at least a massive scare campaign.

And the thing I appreciate about John Howard is he understands that. I appreciate the commitment of the Australian government to help in the democracy movements in both Iraq and Afghanistan, and look forward to their efforts in bringing democracy to the United States and Australia.

We had a good talk today about the way forward in Iraq. I believed it was over the sand-dunes, but John assured me that was the way to Syria. But I didn't really care either way.

I assured him that our position is one that says, as the Iraqis stand up, America stands down. If they put their left foot in, we'll take our left foot out. If they put it in again, we'll shake it all about. In other words, we're going to help Iraqis to defend themselves and do the hokey-pokey.

That's what it's all about.

We talked, as well, about Afghanistan and how it sounds like a made-up place.

I appreciated the Prime Minister's strong advice about Malaysia and Indonesia, two really important countries, and apparently ones with sweet beaches and really good prices on knock-off sunglasses.

And John Howard has got a lot of experience with the political process in the countries across the world. He also has a lot of experience in the Big Brother voting processes in these countries. And it's always good to visit with a friend about how he sees the world and whether he thinks the fat guy or the hot chick will win.

We talked about China and North Korea. I told him that we're committed to solving the North Korean nuclear issue in a diplomatic way, because they actually do have WMDs and if we're not careful, they'll use them. We're pleased that the six-party talks has become renewed, if for nothing else then so we can continue the poker games in which Hu Jintao owes me 50 bucks.

We talked about the benefits of the free trade agreement we signed - it's autographed so it's likely to go up in value. Plus, our economies are strong, and that trade will help our economies stay strong, or more closely link them so that if one goes down, so does the other.

It also ensures Australia's continued access to Law & Order spin-offs.

All in all, we had a really good discussion, the kind of discussion you'd expect from friends.

If your friends talked about nothing but boring political shit you both already knew.

GWB

Supreme Power!

2005-07-18T19:01:00.000-04:00

Under the Constitution, I have the responsibility to nominate a successor to Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. I also have the responsibility for picking a theme for White House Wacky Wednesday, and this week I'm going with the 70s.

This past week I met with Democratic and Republican leaders in the United States Senate and sought their views on the process, and their thoughts on the qualities to look for in a potential nominee. Breath was a big one. Impartiality did okay, but ranked below a hot body and a sense of humor.

Also, my staff has talked with more than 60 members of the United States Senate, and are consequently in a state of shock. Members of the Senate are receiving a full opportunity to provide their opinions and recommendations, and don't they know it.

I will be guided by clear principles as I make my decision. As clear as they are misguided.

My nominee will be a fair-minded individual who represents the mainstream of American law and American values. Like Dr Phil. The nominee will meet the highest standards of intellect, character, and ability. Like Dr Phil. Our nation deserves, and I will select, a Supreme Court justice that Americans can be proud of. Unlike Dr Phil.

The American people also expect a Senate confirmation process that rises above partisanship and Cumulo Nimbus clouds. When I met with Senate leaders, we discussed our shared goal of making sure that the confirmation process is dignified. We discussed scrapping the nude table-tennis portion and ending the practice of wearing traffic cones for the first year in office.

The nominee deserves fair treatment, a fair hearing, and a fair vote. God know, someone in this country does.

The experiences of the two justices nominated by President Clinton provide useful examples of fair treatment and a reasonable timetable for Senate action, and unlike most of his presidency, absolutely zero gossip in the sex department.

In 1993, the Senate voted on and confirmed Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court 42 days after President Clinton submitted her nomination, and 43 days after he made sure he hadn't slept with her.

The following year, Justice Stephen Breyer was confirmed 73 days after his nomination was submitted. Again, Republican senators in large numbers voted for confirmation of Justice Breyer despite significant philosophical and favorite Simpsons episodic differences.

These examples show that the thorough consideration of a nominee does not require months of delay, or at best only two of them.

I mean, it's not like these Supreme Court Justices have any power, is it?

GWB

I went to Scotland and all I got was this lousy terror attack

2005-07-11T18:24:00.000-04:00

Thursday morning, terrorists struck at the heart of one of the world's great cities in a series of bombings that hit London's subway and bus system as thousands of commuters headed to work.

We in America know the sense of loss that our British friends feel at this moment, even if we don't understand the sense of humour or, in many cases, the accent.

We extend our sympathies to those who suffered terrible injuries, and we pray for the families mourning the loss of loved ones. In this dark hour, the people of Great Britain can know that the American people stand with them.

Hell, that may have been what caused it.

These barbaric attacks, and that incident where I ran my bike into a policeman, occurred as world leaders gathered in Scotland for the G8 summit. While terrorists were killing innocent men and women in London, and hitting them with a bike in Scotland, leaders at the G8 were discussing how free nations can combat poverty and HIV/AIDS, create a cleaner environment, and improve the lives of people everywhere.

One out of three ain't bad.

The contrast could not be more vivid between the intentions and the hearts of those who care deeply about human rights and human liberty, and the evil intentions and acts of those who rejoice in the death and suffering of the innocent.

I think my administration is in the first category. Most of the time, anyway.

We experienced this evil in our own country on a clear September morning in 2001. Since that day, terrorists have continued to kill and maim -- in Bali, and Casablanca, Riyadh, Jakarta, Istanbul, Madrid, Baghdad, London, and elsewhere. So, so much for never again.

The terrorists believe that free societies are essentially corrupt and decadent, but that's only true of their governments. They believe that with a few hard blows, and the televised repetition of horrific images of violence, they can force us to retreat. They are mistaken.

We have remotes. We can switch the channel.

On the day of the London attacks, every world leader at the G8 summit stood with Prime Minister Blair as he said: "Our determination to defend our values and our way of life is greater than their determination to cause death and destruction to innocent people."

Some of us stood a little too close. I'm talking to you, Vlad.

The free world is united in its resolve: We will never yield to terrorists and murderers. In the face of such adversaries, there is only one course of action: Bomb Iraq. But since we already did that last time, we will fight the real evil-doers until the enemy is defeated.

We are now waging a global war on terror -- from the mountains of Afghanistan to the border regions of Pakistan, to the Horn of Africa, to the islands of the Philippines, to the plains of Iraq. Actually, it's very centred on the Middle East, isn't it? Maybe we should do more about the South American, Asian, North American, Pacific and Antarctican terrorists.

Especially those Antarcticans.

We will stay on the offense, fighting the terrorists abroad so we do not have to face them at home. Of course, as last week's events proved, that means we can't go abroad. But that's okay, I've brought some photos home that you can all share. There's not that much to see there actually.

We will continue to deny the terrorists safe haven and the support of rogue states, unless they have powerful economies and lots of oil interests in the US.

And at the same time, we will spread the universal values of hope and freedom that will overwhelm their ideology of tyranny and hate. And we'll do that with bombs.

The free world did not seek this conflict, yet we will win it. Unlike the war in Iraq which we did seek.

Here at home, federal, state, and local officials are doing everything possible to protect us from another terrorist attack in America. We're reading memos completely, and not just the Cliff Notes versions like we used to.

While we have no specific credible information suggesting an imminent attack in the United States, in light of the bombings in London, we have raised the threat level from elevated to high for our passenger rail, subway, and bus systems. And given the state of some of those subway systems, it's probably something we should have done a long time ago.

I urge all Americans to remain alert, and to report any suspicious activity, or neighbours they don't like much, to your local authorities.

This week, there is great suffering in the city of London. Yet the British people are resilient, and they have faced brutal enemies before. Like America during the War of Independence. The nation that survived the Nazi Blitz will not be intimidated by terrorists.

And just as America and Great Britain stood together to defeat the murderous ideologies of the 20th century, we again stand together to defeat the hateful ideologies of the 21st century. And just like then, America comes in several years too late and tries to impose its methods on everyone else.

America and its allies will act decisively, if not intelligently, because we know that the future of civilization is at stake in this struggle.

We know that the cause of freedom will prevail, although our senses of humour and irony may be lost.

And now, onto the holiday snaps.

GWB

ID4

2005-07-04T18:21:00.001-04:00

Happy Fourth of July - and also happy Big Willie Weekend.

On the Fourth of July, we remember the vision and conviction of America's Founders - or convictions in the case of John Hancock and an excess of alcohol. We remember the ideals of liberty, the love of tea and the membership of the Illuminati that led men from 13 colonies to gather in Philadelphia and pen a declaration of self-evident truths.

And we remember the extraordinary personal courage that made their efforts a success. Hell, it took enough just to go to Philadelphia.

Doctor Benjamin Rush said that signing the Declaration of Independence was "like signing your own death warrant." He signed it anyway -- right above his fellow Pennsylvania delegate, Benjamin Franklin. Then he added "is a jackass" after Franklin's signature - but that bit's faded over time.

On Independence Day, we are also mindful that the promises of the Declaration have been secured by the service and sacrifice of every generation, and constantly eroded by legislation such as the Patriot Act.

America's first defenders were mostly farmers, artisans, and shopkeepers who waged a desperate fight for independence. Some of the farmers did so against cows, and that is why, today, cows work for us and not the other way around.

Our Union was preserved through the costly battles of the Civil War -- even if we did piss off Texas forever.

And we live in freedom because Americans prevailed in the hard-fought struggles of the 20th century, from the Marne and Normandy to Iwo Jima and Inchon Bay to the Ultimate Fighting Championship and Robot Wars International.

America is home to 25 million military veterans -- and we will always be grateful for their unselfish courage, even as we cut their benefits.

Today, a new generation of Americans is defending our freedom against determined enemies. At posts in Afghanistan, Iraq, and around the world, our men and women in uniform are taking the fight to the terrorists overseas, so that we do not have to face the terrorists here at home. Or our men and women in uniform.

And by freeing millions from oppression, our Armed Forces are redeeming a universal principle of the Declaration that all are created equal, but some are more equal than others, and all are meant to be free, unless they're non-lawful combatants.

In this time of testing, all our troops and their families can know that the American people are behind them -- several thousand kilometres behind them. On this Fourth of July weekend, I ask every American to find a way to thank men and women defending our freedom -- by flying the flag, sending letters to our troops in the field, or going to Baghdad personally to deliver a cake.

In the summer of 1776, John Adams called the American Revolution "the most complete, unexpected, and remarkable of any in the history of nations." Later, when he was a bit drunker, he called it "a fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo."

And 229 years later, history has proved him right.

The Fourth of July is a day to be proud of our heritage as freedom's home, defender and occasional waxer. It is a day to be confident in the future, because its definitely going to happen. The spirit of our founders still shapes the conscience of our country - particularly in their religious conservatism and treatment of minorities.

Above all, it is a day to give thanks for blockbuster movies, and express our disappointment that Bill Pullman isn't actually the President.

Welcome to Earth,

GWB

Iraq'n all over the world!

2005-06-28T19:04:00.000-04:00

My greatest responsibility as President is to protect the American people. And, based on Clinton's performance, not to get blowjobs in the Oval Office.

The troops here and across the world are fighting a global war on terror - except for the military band, who are fighting a war on funk. Smokin'!

The war reached our shores on September the 11th, 2001, or, if certain memos outlining the possibility of those attacks are to be believed, several months earlier. The terrorists who attacked us -- and the terrorists we face -- murder in the name of a totalitarian ideology that hates freedom, rejects tolerance, and despises all dissent. A bit like the CIA.

Their aim is to remake the Middle East in their own grim image of tyranny and oppression -- by toppling governments, by driving us out of the region, and by exporting terror. Again, kind of like the CIA.

The terrorists believe that free societies are essentially corrupt and decadent, and with a few hard blows they can force us to retreat. They're surprisingly astute on the first part, but on the second, they're mistaken.

After September the 11th, I made a commitment to the American people: This nation will not wait to be attacked again. That's right, we're not going to wait - if we're going to be attacked, we want it now, dammit. I started a war in Iraq just for that purpose.

Our mission in Iraq is clear. We're going to...um...do stuff with tanks and shit.

The work in Iraq is difficult and it is dangerous - like most Americans.

Sorry, misread that - Like most Americans, I see the images of violence and bloodshed. Every picture is horrifying, and the suffering is real. Amid all this violence, I know Americans ask the question: What else is on?

And I say to them - Law and Order: SVU.

Some wonder whether Iraq is a central front in the war on terror. Among the terrorists, there is no debate. Well, they're terrorists after all. Hear the words of Osama Bin Laden: "This Third World War is raging" in Iraq.

Notice the Iraq bit wasn't in the quotes.

The terrorists know that the outcome will leave them emboldened, or defeated. Or most likely, both.

The terrorists -- both foreign and Iraqi -- failed to stop the transfer of sovereignty. They failed to break our Coalition and force a mass withdrawal by our allies. They failed to get a team through the World Cup qualifying, and they failed to correctly guess the number of beans in the Presidential bean jar.

They did succeed at winning the UpWords tournament, but that's a stupid game.

A little over a year ago, I spoke to the nation and described our coalition's goals in Iraq. A little more over a year ago, I watched Janet Jackson bare her breast at the Superbowl.

Yeah, I remember that one better too.

In the past year, the international community has stepped forward with vital assistance. Some 30 nations have troops in Iraq, not including Syria, Saudia Arabia and Iran, who most likely also do, but not on our side.

The United Nations is in Iraq to help Iraqis write a constitution and conduct their next elections, and because we gave them no choice. Thus far, some 40 countries, three international organizations and a guy on e-bay I know have pledged about $34 billion in assistance for Iraqi reconstruction, and my Star Trek collectors cards.

I'll leave you to sort out the right one.

Whatever our differences in the past, the world understands that success in Iraq is critical to the security of our nations. Also, that we have lots of bombs and we're not that accurate.

After September the 11th, 2001, I told the American people that the road ahead would be difficult, and that we would prevail. I said a lot of crazy shit at that time - hell, we all brought that guy's album about freedom and everything. And we all watched Fox News way too much.

Our enemies are brutal, but they are no match for the United States of America, and they are no match for the men and women of the United States military.

Now, if only we could find them,

GWB

Democratize this!

2005-06-25T18:25:00.000-04:00

This past week, I had the honor of hosting Prime Minister Jaafari -- the leader of Iraq's first democratically-elected government in more than a half century. I also had the honor of hosting a "How to Host a Murder" party at the White House.

Condi did it.

Prime Minister Jaafari and I discussed our strong partnership, and the dramatic progress his nation has made over the past year. And the winner of Dancing with the Stars, and how the two of us could totally do better than them.

Next Tuesday is the first anniversary of the moment the Iraqi people reclaimed their free and sovereign nation from foreign invaders. To mark that historic date, I will travel to Fort Bragg, North Carolina, to speak to our troops and the American people about our mission in Iraq. I should probably go to Iraq itself, but its kind of dangerous there.

Not that North Carolina's the safest place in the world.

Anyway, in the giant Hot Wheels set of Iraqi politics, we're taking a two tracked strategy. The military track, the one with the loop-the-loop, is to defeat the terrorists, continue helping Iraqis take greater responsibility for defending their freedom, and stop gettnig our people blowded up.

The images we see on television are a grim reminder that the enemies of freedom in Iraq are ruthless killers with no regard for human life. Or, in the case of the majority of us, that Teri Hatcher is still pretty hot for someone her age.

The killers in Iraq include members of Saddam Hussein's regime, criminal elements, foreign terrorists and us. The terrorists know that Iraq is a central front in the war on terror, which we were only about two years early in declaring. They know a stable and democratic Iraq is dangerous to them, and about as likely as me winning history's most bonable President (Personally, if I was gay I'd do Woodrow Wilson. Not that I'm advocating that sort of thing.

The terrorists' objective is to break the will of America and of the Iraqi people before democracy can take root. Insurgents have tried to achieve that goal before, with large amounts of success.

Democracy is moving forward, and more and more Iraqis are defying the terrorists by joining the democratic process. Of course, more and more are also defying the democratic process by joining the terrorists, but hey, you win some, you lose some.

Our military strategy is clear: Train Iraqis to kill each other, then get the fuck out.

The political track of our strategy is to continue helping Iraqis build the institutions of a stable democracy, like bunting and the FCC. The Iraqi people have taken landmark steps by voting in free elections, forming a representative government and SMSing vote into Iraqi Idol.

Prime Minister Jaafari has assured me that his government is committed to meeting its deadline to draft a new constitution for a free Iraq. He totally assured me it was in the mail and everything.

These are monumental tasks for the new democracy of Iraq -- and the free world will continue to stand behind the Iraqi people. A long way behind in case they step on one of those land-mines that are sewn everywhere.

Our nation's mission in Iraq is difficult, and we can expect more tough fighting in the weeks and months ahead, and not just because we're heading towards Summerslam.

Yet I am confident in the outcome. But it's not like I really give a shit - I mean, you're not going to fire me, are you?

The Iraqi people are growing in optimism, hope and bust-size. They understand that the violence is only a part of the reality in Iraq. Each day, Iraqis are exercising new freedoms that they were denied for decades. Schools, hospitals, roads, and post offices are being built to secure votes for Iraqi politicians and give access to the twenty or so people who couldn't be bothered walking to the hundreds already built.

Americans can be proud of all that we and our coalition partners have accomplished in Iraq, except for the killing of civilians. Our country has been tested before, and we have a long history of resolve and faith in the cause of freedom. We also have a long history of sticking our nose in foreign affairs where they don't belong, getting stuck in long, drawn out conflicts, and pissing off the Russians.

A democratic Iraq will be a powerful setback to the terrorists who seek to harm our nation. How, I'm not entirely sure, but it must do something.

Shouldn't it?

GWB

Wasssuuuppppp?!

2005-06-19T22:29:00.000-04:00

Today we face three issues of vital importance for all Americans: growing our economy, protecting our citizens from those who wish to do us harm, and too many Dave Chapelle impersonators.

So in the weeks ahead, I will continue to focus on ways to ensure that our government takes the side of working families, and that America prevails in the war on terror. Or, if my dyslexia kicks in, we'll take the side of the terrorists and hope American prevails in the war on working families.

Come to think of that, we're already doing it.

Today we have good reason to be optimistic about our economy. We're drunk.

More Americans are working today than at any time in our history. More Americans own their homes than at any time in our history. More Americans are getting fat that at any time in history. More Americans lack any understanding of history than any time since we beat Australia in the War of Independence.

Our policies have put us on the track to growth, but leaders in Washington must not become complacent. And those who are already complacent must be prodded.

Delivering opportunity means allowing families to keep more of the money they earn. So we enacted the largest tax relief in a generation. It also means not devaluing that money through poor fiscal management and printing notes with the faces of miscellaneous Presidents.

But then, who couldn't do with a four-dollar bill?

Delivering opportunity also means adapting to the needs of a new century - one which will either be ruled by damn dirty apes, or robots. Or damn dirty robot apes.

In this new century, American prosperity will increasingly depend on our ability to sell our goods and services overseas, and manufacture weapons.

We need to pass initiatives like the Central American Dominican Republic Free Trade Agreement to create a level playing field for American farmers, small businesses and Mexican baseball teams.

In this new century, Americans require a reliable and affordable supply of energy, and not one which turns its creator into an eight-legged freak. I'm looking at you, Doctor Octopus.

In this new century, Americans need to know that if they work hard their whole lives, they will retire with dignity. So we're decreasing funding for Alzheimers research in the hope that by the time they're old, they'll forget this.

As we work to deliver opportunity at home, we're also keeping you safe from threats from abroad and in New Jersey.

We went to war because we were attacked, and we are at war today because there are still people out there who want to harm our country and hurt our citizens. Unfortunately, we're not at war with them.

Some may disagree with my decision to remove Saddam Hussein from power, but all of us can agree that the world's terrorists have now made Iraq a central front in the war on terror.

So, I've achieved that, if nothing else.

Our troops are fighting these terrorists in Iraq so you will not have to face them here at home. Our troops, that is. We mourn every one of these brave men and women who have given his or her life for our liberty. And even the ones who've died in forklift driving accidents.

The terrorists know they cannot defeat our troops, so they seek to kill them with carbombs instead. They know there is no room for them in a free and democratic Middle East, but they also know that's not going to happen.

Not while I'm in charge.

Together we will do what Americans have always done: mess things up, fix them, mess them up again, chug a beer, watch some TV and accidentally blow up the Chinese embassy.

I'm GWB, bitch.

Lets talk about Medicare

2005-06-18T16:05:00.000-04:00

I think you're going to find this to be an interesting discussion we're about to have about Medicare. If not, you can just play Solitaire on your Blackberry or happily disappear into your Alzheimers.

We're here to say to the seniors who live here in Minnesota and around the country that Medicare has been strengthened, reformed and modernized, and we hope you take a look at it. We'll even give you glasses, for those of you with poor eyesight.

But we will need them back, later. It's not like we're made of money.

So what you're about to see is government in the process of educating folks about what's available, and also about nuclear thermodynamics - if we have time.

See, the greatest strength about -- the greatest thing about America is the fact that we've got people with such wonderful hearts. And that we always win the World Series.

So Medicare worked for a lot of folks. And those that didn't died quite quickly, so we had no real problem with them either.

But the problem is, medicine started to change and Medicare wouldn't change with it quick enough. That and big pharmaceutical companies making campaign contributions and asking us to weaken it significantly.

I always believed since the federal government had made a commitment to elders to provide health care, that the health care we provide ought to be the best possible health care. I also believed making that commitment was a bad idea.

For a while, I believed in leprechauns.

In other words, if you're going to provide something, you ought to give it the best shot you can, and we weren't doing that when it came to Medicare. Or peace and stability in the Middle East, but that's a separate issue.

I believe those of us in public life have a responsibility to fix problems, or cover them up until the next administration takes over, and blames it all on us. I saw a problem, and fortunately, members of both political parties came together to fix this problem, to modernize Medicare and turn it into a Super-Medicare with lasers for arms and x-ray vision.

Now, let me tell you what the new Medicare bill means. Votes. Hopefully, anyway.

The first thing that happened in the Medicare bill is for the first time the federal government decided to provide help for preventive care. In other words, your going to see Senators handing out chicken soup and honey and lemon on the corners of some streets. Echinacea too, if they can pronounce it.

Secondly, we provided discount cards for seniors. We said, look, if you're somebody relying upon prescription drugs, here's a discount card. And heres a five-hundred percent price hike for those of you without the cards. But now we're replacing the discount card with a new prescription drug benefit as a part of Medicare. So there's a six-hundred percent price hike, and you don't even get a plastic picture of yourself.

This bill provides seniors with better choices. In other words, I like the concept of saying to a senior, if you want to sign up for this benefit, you can. If you don't want to, that's fine, too. It's voluntary. If you want to keep all your money, not pay taxes and have lots of sex with hookers, hey, that's fine too.

Just don't tell anyone.

GWB

The President's Week

2005-06-12T18:18:00.000-04:00

As we enter the summer season, my administration is working hard to keep our economy growing, to create jobs and to lose a few pounds so we look good in a bikini. No administration ever got elected on a winning personality.

No matter what your mother told you.

This week, I will talk about some of my plans to help American families achieve long-term economic security, and also Tom Cruise's latest antics on the Jay Leno show.

On Tuesday, I will discuss Social Security reform with young people in Pennsylvania. They'll probably get bored shitless or play on their Gameboys. But I will remind them that the Social Security system is in good shape for their grandparents and for anybody born prior to 1950. Which, naturally, they won't care about. They might even say something like "No shit, Sherlock."

Kids, today.

I will also tell them that we must act now to strengthen and modernize Social Security so these young people can have a secure retirement. And they'll tell me they hope they die before they get old. And I'll say, my administration is working towards that goal too.

Our young people understand that if we fail to act, Social Security will not be sound when they need it. They also know that we're not going to act.

As we make Social Security permanently sustainable, which is code for irrelevant, we must also make it a better deal for younger workers, by allowing them to set aside a portion of their payroll taxes in voluntary personal savings accounts. We know none of them will want to do it, and they'll take all the money now to buy iPods and sandwiches. And then when it comes time for them to retire, we can tell them its all their fault they're screwed.

On Wednesday, I will address the Energy Efficiency Forum here in Washington, and renew my call for Congress to act on the energy plan I proposed four years ago. And then put myself up for auction for a night of passion to the highest bidder. I hope I make more than Rumsfeld this year.

On Thursday and Friday morning, I will discuss a key element of ensuring health care security for our nation's seniors. Loudly, because many of them are deaf. The Medicare modernization bill I signed into law in 2003 created a new prescription drug benefit, so our seniors could have more choices and receive the affordable modern health care they deserve. It also provides healthy kickbacks to a number of pharmaceutical companies, which is always a good thing.

The plan will provide many options for dependable prescription drug coverage through Medicare. It may also result in more people artificially whitening their teeth.

On Friday afternoon, I'm just going to potter around in my underwear and catch up on episodes of Battlestar Galactica. Then Friday night is party night.

Free Katie,

GWB

Tony B in the House!

2005-06-08T22:15:00.000-04:00

Our alliance with Great Britain is strong, and it's essential to peace, security, and inferior remakes of popular British sit-coms.

Together our two nations worked to liberate Europe from fascism; together we defended freedom during the Cold War. Separately we engaged in the War of Independence. Today we're standing together again to fight the war on terror, and to try and link it to Iraq and Afghanistan and the broader Middle East, and to prevent the spread of weapons of mass destruction because we've already got them.

As we face the challenges and opportunities of a new century, and a new series of Supernanny USA, our alliance is stronger than ever.

Prime Minister Blair and I share a common vision of a world that is free, prosperous, slightly furry, and at peace. When men and women are free to choose their own governments, to speak their minds, and to pursue a good life for their families, they tend to ask questions about the motivations of politicians who make a lot more money than they should and engage in personal vendettas against foreign dictators.

This is the vision chosen by Iraqis in elections in January. And the United States and Britain will stand with the Iraqi people as they continue their journey toward freedom and democracy, but if they walk anywhere, we'll be a few steps back, because of the risk of landmines.

By spreading freedom throughout the broader Middle East we'll end the bitterness and hatred that feed the ideology of terror. Or, depending on who you believe, bring about the Apocalypse. We're advancing the vision of two states, Israel and Palestine, living side by side in peace, security, and the occassional fit of irrational jealousy.

We also share a commitment to help the people of Africa build strong democratic institutions and healthy economies, and giant statues of famous US presidents. The Prime Minister has made the promotion of reform and development in Africa a centerpiece of the G8 summit, along with a four-hour toga party that promises to be a blast. I'm grateful for your vision, your leadership on this important subject, and letting me borrow a large bedsheet.

Helping those who suffer and preventing the senseless death of millions of people in Africa is a central commitment of my administration's foreign policy, and probably the message of Hotel Rwanda. We're making historic progress and helping the poorest countries in Africa gain a fresh start, by paying them to appear in commercials for Nike shoes.

America will continue to lead the world to meet our duty in helping the world's most vulnerable people - blue state voters.

Over the past four years, we have tripled our assistance to Sub-Sahara Africa, and now America accounts for nearly a quarter of all the aid in the region. We don't give it, but we do look after the accounts.

We also agree that highly indebted developing countries that are on the path to reform should not be burdened by mountains of debt. That's the prerogative of highly developed nations, and its unfair that African countries get such a high deficit without trying.

Our countries are developing a proposal for the G8 that will eliminate a hundred percent of that debt, and deliver buy-one-get-one-free video rentals to the people of Africa.

I also look forward to working with the Prime Minister through the G8 to forge a new strategy for the 21st century that helps countries achieve economic prosperity, energy security, a clean environment, jetpacks and robotic dogs.

To develop and make available clean and efficient technologies that will help attain these goals has got to be part of our dialogue at the G8.

As does the phrase "I'm too old for this shit",

GWB

There's no I in Economy!

2005-06-05T17:43:00.000-04:00

America's economy is on the right track. We were on one of those Hot Wheels tracks, and the bottom melted a bit, but now I think we're on the right one, and whizzing around like an epileptic Tasmanian Devil.

More Americans are working today than ever before. And its the weekend! Isn't that crazy? Home ownership is at an all time high - as are drug users. Small businesses are flourishing or doing other stuff that makes them look a bit gay. Factory output is growing. And families are taking home more of what they earn, or failing that, pilfered stationary.

These are hopeful signs for our economy, and we must work hard to sustain that prosperity and cover up all the proper economic indicators which suggest we're heading for a recession.

When members of Congress return next week, they need to take action on four key priorities for the American people. After they swap photos of their holidays and check their e-mails, that is.

First, Congress needs to complete an energy bill. It doesn't have to be a good one - it would just be nice if they could finally complete one. America is growing more dependent on foreign oil, and that is driving up the price of gasoline across the country. Well, that and market fixing.

I applaud the House for passing an energy bill. Now the American people expect the Senate to act, so I can sign a good energy bill into law by August. Otherwise I'll sign in one of the evil ones, where we power things with puppies in giant wheels, running for ever and ever. You have been warned.

Second, Americans expect Congress to be wise with their money. Okay, that's a joke. They expect them to embezzle it, take massive kickbacks, and blow it all on giant statues of people they don't like too much. But as long as they sling in a few bucks for fireworks displays here and there, everyone's happy.

Third, Congress needs to ratify the Central American and Dominican Republic Free Trade Agreement. It's been voted Most Ratifiable Free Trade Agreement by FTA Magazine, and frankly, it's so damn sexy, I'd ratify it myself if I wasn't already married.

This week, I'm travelling to Florida to discuss CAFTA with leaders throughout the hemisphere, and go to Disneyland. I look forward to telling them that CAFTA is a good deal for workers, farmers and small businesses in the United States and the giant teacup ride.

Finally, Congress needs to move forward with Social Security reform. Then take a step to the left. And a move to the right. You put your hands on your hips. And tuck your knees in tight. It's a pelvic thrust that really drives you insay-ay-ay-ayne.

By taking action on all these priorities, Congress will strengthen the long-term economic security of the American people, and leave the audience wanting more. Americans expect members of both parties to set aside partisan differences, get things done and dance like they've never danced before.

Let's do the Time Warp Again,

GWB

GWB-SPAN

2005-06-01T18:17:00.000-04:00

My message to Congress when they come back is this; I called shotgun.

Also, our economy is strong, but we need to work together to make sure that we continue to have a prosperous economy, so people can find jobs, or in the case of congress, kickbacks.

Congress can make sure that the signs remain hopeful, or at least legible, and here are four good things they need to do. First, they need to finish the work on an energy bill.
Second, Congress needs to be wise about the taxpayers' dollars and realise they aren't like monopoly money. That's real cash, people.

Third, Congress needs to ratify the Central American and Dominican Republic Free Trade Agreement, or at least actually read it. It's quite good, although halfway through it becomes pretty obvious who the killer is. Also, some of the language is quite harsh, for all you young Congressmen and women out there.

And, finally, Congress needs to move forward with Social Security reform. Or put together a netball team. They're priorities four and five, but I'm ranking them equally because I'm not sure which one's more important.

Anyway, if they do all that, they get to go and play for the showcase.

The American people expect people of both parties to work together, which shows how little the average American understands politics.

Now, my ADD brings me to other matters. I think the Iraq government will be up to the task of defeating the insurgents, although obviously it depends a bit on the ground condition. The Insurgents are quite strong in dry conditions, but the Government side is a bit more adept in all different types of weather. It should be a good hard match, and I'm looking forward to both sides giving no quarter,

I'm a little bit concerned about the arrest of the former head of the oil giant Yukos, primarily because his name is quite difficult to pronounce, and its now highly likely I'll have to say it one day. I've spoken to President Putin about this, and he assured me that he didn't understand English or remember who I was.

I believe that Iran should be allowed to apply for membership of the WTO, provided it has the grades and at least two solid refernces from non-related countries. I've always believed the best way to solve a difficult issue is through diplomacy, but I've also believed its not that popular, and Bunker Busters are more fun. Because they go BANG really big. It's very cool.

Of course, I'm not prepared to make the same deal with North Korea, because Kim Jong-Il called me fat.
These Amnesty International allegations about Guantanamo Bay are absurd. And if not, they should be. I mean, if the report said we were dressing up prisoners as Gladiators and challenging them to Iron Chef contests, who wouldn't pay attention to that report?

It seems a lot of allegations in that report are based on the allegations by people who people who hate America - often because they were locked up for long periods of time on no charge and even tortured. So they're clearly biased.

Anyway, now to the reason I've gathered you all here.

It's Limbo Time!

GWB

Memorial Magic

2005-05-28T20:47:00.000-04:00

This Memorial Day weekend, Americans pay tribute to those who have given their lives in the service of our nation, or go away for the weekend and get really drunk, or trim their hedges.

Probably go and see Star Wars if they haven't seen it yet. I don't want to ruin it for you guys, but Anakin becomes Darth Vader. Never saw that one coming.

As we honor the members of our Armed Forces who have died for our freedom, we also honor those who are defending our liberties today. And occassionally secretly snigger at their uniforms, or the ones who are called Able Seaman.

Seaman. Heh, heh.

On Friday, I met with some of the courageous men and women who will soon take their place in the defense of our freedom: the graduating class of the United State s Naval Academy. They shot at me, but luckily they missed. Then I explained I was the President, and they shot at me again. Eventually they stopped shooting at me because I bought them all a ticket to Oprah's new stage show.

But the fact that they didn't hit me doesn't bode well for the future of our nation.

These new officers will soon be serving on ships, flying combat missions, being indicted in sexual harrasment scandals and leading our troops into battle against dangerous enemies and innocent civilians.

They are prepared for the challenges ahead -- morally, mentally, physically and gyneacologically. The American people can be confident that their freedom is in good hands. Just don't ask what else has been in them.

Our citizens live in freedom because patriots are willing to serve and sacrifice for our liberty. And also because the Patriot Act II hasn't been passed yet.

On Monday, I will lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery in honor of those who have made the ultimate sacrifice, and also those who've died. This year marks the 60th anniversary of the end of World War II, a victory for freedom in which more than 400,000 Americans gave their lives. Except that Private Ryan guy. Jackass.

Today a new generation of Americans is making its own sacrifice on behalf of peace, freedom and business partners, and some have given their lives.

In their hometowns, these soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines are more than names on a roll of honor. They were friends and neighbors, teachers and coaches, that guy who felt us up after Prom, and that stoner who we always thought was going to kill the French teacher.

Each was the most important person in someone's life; except Carl Williams, who was kind of a loser. Each had hopes for the future, except Carl, and each left a place that can never be filled. Except for Carl. We've got a donkey to do his job.

We mourn their loss, and we honor their sacrifice. We pray for their families. We cut their benefits. And we take heart in knowing that these men and women believed deeply in what they were fighting for, or had no other choice to get out of the poverty trap our poor economy and welfare program left them in.

This Memorial Day, we remember all who have given their lives for our nation. And we honor them as we continue to wage the war on terror, something we should have been doing while we invaded Iraq.

The people of Iraq and Afghanistan are determined to secure their freedom, and we will help them. For a while at least, while we train Iraqi and Afghan forces so they can take defend their own countries. Then we might set them against each other, to see which ones better. Come on, don't tell me you haven't thought of it.

Throughout our history, America has fought not to conquer but to liberate. Except, perhaps in the case of American Samoa. I'm not to clear on that myself. Also, the civil war was a bit iffy, depending on what side you were on.

We go to war reluctantly, because we understand the high cost of war. But we also go willingly, because we understand the economic benefits from weapons manufacture and oil subsidies.

Those who have given their lives to defend America have the respect and gratitude of our entire nation. Except Carl, who we still think is kind of a jerk.

But now, on to our main feature, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

Stop hogging the popcorn, Condi,

GWB

It's a free country - for now

2005-05-26T12:06:00.000-04:00

Howdy folks and folkesses,

Just taking a minute out of the large-scale presentidenteering to say that in the true spirit of democracy, comments are now available on the old Bush blogaroonie.

This is of course subject to conditions of the Patriot Act, which means that everything you say must be positive and show support of the troops or you will be declared a non-lawful combatant and locked up at Guantanamo Bay for the rest of your natural life.

And don't go thinking just because you're a vampire and your life is unnatural that you're going to get away with it either. Because we've got lots of garlic and Buffy on our side.

Also, any attempt to spam the President will be treated as a declaration of war.

Now, any question?

GWB

Happy APAHM!

2005-05-25T18:35:00.000-04:00

I'm proud to be with you to celebrate Asian Pacific American Heritage Month or APAHM for short. What? All the good acronyms are taken, okay

We are joined by a very special guest, a close friend of America. Can anyone guess? I'll give you a clue - it's not Barney. That's right, its President Yudhoyono from Indonesia. Or S-B-Y for short. Or Sizzle Bizzle Yizzle if you're Snoop Dog.

Anyway, before we award our Volunteer of the Year awards and the mud wrestling, the President has graciously offered to give some remarks. But I'm the real President, not the leader of some made-up sounding place like Indonesia, so I get to go first.

This is a time to celebrate the achievement of millions of Americans of Asian Pacific ancestry and quietly cover up the lack of achievement by millions of other Americans, regardles of their ancestry.

Asian Pacific Americans are making their mark in all walks of life, from the Hollywood Walk of Fame to the Dead Man's Walk along Death Row.

I'm fortunate to have many Asian American in my Cabinet, my administration and my book club.

Indonesia and America may be on the opposite sides of the ocean, but if you dig a hole straigh through the centre of the earth, you'd probably miss the other one. Plus you'd have a big pile of dirt and wasted a lot of effort. And probably unleashed a giant wave of lava which threatens to kill us all. Nice one, jackass.

But we have a lot in common. We are both among the world's largest democracies. We both share a belief that our great diversity is a source of strength. We both think Mary Kate is the hotter of the Olsen twins.

And when the tsunami hit, citizens from both our countries took it upon themselves to come to the aid of those in distress. Although, in our case, the government didn't/

The tsunami that began in the Indian Ocean struck Indonesia just two months after the President came into office and just days after he managed to get back out again.

I understand that when the tsunami hit, His Excellency was in a remote province of his country. And the moment he heard what happened, he rushed to the scene. He didn't hesitate. He didn't stop for a coffee and a donut.

He rushed to not only help, but to make a personal assessment of what needed to be done. After declaring a national emergency, he moved quickly to clear away the bureaucratic obstacles and visa requirements so that the path would be clear for international relief workers. In return, we in America took on many of those bureaucratic obstacles and visa requirements as our own.

By acting with skill and courage, Mr. President, you helped bring your country together in a time of great crisis. And that's a good thing, because now you can declare a couple of wars and get away with them.

Seriously

It was also important for the world to respond. And I'm proud of the response of the United States government and her people. Sure, it took us several days and sure, we pledged a paltry sum initially, but I got my dad and Bill Clinton to go around and tell people we needed more money. I thought that was good.

Our country has really, I hope, showed that we're a friend when you've got a problem, and an enemy when you've got oil reserves. But a friend doesn't quit when a problem persists, and in that respect we've probably failed.

But not in this case, when earlier this month, Congress approved my request for additional tsunami relief and reconstruction help, bringing total U.S. aid to more than $850 million, and, thanks to a bizarre rider attached to the bill, the total requirement for governmental monkey handlers to seven.

The people of your country need to know, and the people of the countries affected by the tsunami relief need to know, that when America gives a pledge to help, we'll keep our word, and that when America says that we stand by you, we don't mean in a gay way.

I'm proud that volunteers from our Asian Pacific American community were among those who stepped forward to help the victims of the tsunami relief, and of the tsunami itself.

Their efforts ranged from serving on humanitarian missions to raising money, to rebuilding an orphanage, to buying everyone a coke and then not asking them to chip in.

Americans from all over our country, from all walks of life, used their time and talents and compassion to make a difference or, in the majority of cases, play Gran Turismo 4.

Heck, I even called on two former Presidents - Bush and Clinton - in an ultimate Presidential team-up. First they fought, then they joined forces to send a message that we're not talking politics. We're talking about helping people get their feet back on the ground. We're talking about helping to save lives. We're not doing anything about it - just talking. That's the American spirit. That's how we like to do things in this country.

More talk, and less rock.

Gizzle Wizzle Bizzle.

You know what comes between me and my Calvins?

2005-05-22T21:35:00.000-04:00

I bring a great message of hope and freedom to Calvin College Class of 2005: There is life after Professor Vanden Bosch and English 101. Or should that be Life Studies? Or was that a joke? I don't get it.

Someday you will appreciate the grammar and verbal skills you learned here. And if any of you wonder how far a mastery of the English language can take you, just look what it did for me. It's a load of crap anyway - I've been to England - they all speak American.

I thank the moms and dads here for your sacrifice and for your love - although I'd prefer you commit either in the privacy of your own homes, and not on stage as we've just seen.

I want to thank the faculty for your hard work and dedication. Okay, that one was definitely a joke. No?

And, again, I congratulate the Class of 2005. Soon you will collect your degrees and say goodbyes to a school that has been your home and alibi -- and you will take your rightful place in a country that offers you the greatest freedom and opportunity on Earth. Except Amsterdam, where drugs and sex shops are legal. You guys should really check it out if you get a chance.

I ask that you use what you've learned to make your own contributions to the story of American freedom. However, since most of you have probably learned how to plagiarise stuff from the internet, I'm guessing the story won't be much different to what it is now.

The immigrants who founded Calvin College came to America for the freedom to worship and be annoying, and they built this great school on the sturdy ground of liberty, and the less sturdy ground used for Native American burials.

They saw in the American "experiment" the world's best hope for freedom -- the "More Beer" Party -- and they weren't the only ones excited by what they saw.

In 1835, a young civil servant and aristocrat from France, named Alexis de Tocqueville, would publish a book about America that still resonates today. He also published a less succesful abridged book on tape version. The book is called "Democracy in America," and in it this young Frenchman said that the secret to America's success was our talent for bringing people together for the common good. And the Illuminati conspiracy, although that got cut out of later editions.

The America he described offered the world something it had never seen before: a working model of a thriving democracy where opportunity was unbounded, and the Lazy Susan.

Tocqueville's account is not just the observations of one man -- it's also got a good recipe for tuna casserole. It is not just a description of America at a point in time -- but also a handy reference for Beginner's French.

Our Founders rejected both a radical individualism that makes no room for others, and soap. Later they took up soap, but rejected the dreary collectivism that crushes the individual. Later still, they accepted both of these things, and called it Fox News.

And lo, they saw that it was good.

They gave us instead a society where individual freedom is anchored in communities - many with gates. And in this hopeful new century, we have a great goal: to renew this spirit of community and thereby renew the character and compassion of our nation. Or failing that, win back the America's Cup.

First, we must understand that the character of our citizens is essential to society. If they don't have good characters, then we'll get cancelled by NBC. Government cannot create character - that's the job of the screenwriter - but it can and should respect and support the institutions that do, by not tweaking things too much to increase drama.

Second, we must understand the importance of keeping power close to the people - particularly to the genitals. I'm sorry, that's from a different speech. Local people know local problems, and more often than not cause them. The heart and soul of America is in our local communities; and in many cases also the lower intestine and colon.

Finally, we must understand that it is by becoming active in our communities that we move beyond our narrow interests, and improve our chance of becoming Miss Universe. In today's complex world, there are a lot of things that pull us apart - like the Earth's magnetic poles.

And because one of the deepest values of our country is compassion, we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America. Because they've probably got a weapon and they'll hit you on the back of the head with it.

The history of forming associations dedicated to serving or excluding others is as old as America, itself. From abolition societies and suffrage movements to Oprah's Book Club and the KKK, America's social entrepreneurs have often been far ahead of our government in identifying the needs of our fellow countrymen and trying to find a way to not go anywhere near them.

Our government is encouraging all Americans to make a difference through our faith-based and community initiative; we're mobilizing Americans to volunteer through the USA Freedom Corps. We'll do our part, but, ultimately, service is up to you - because I'm old and I've got a bad back and a note from my mom.

It is your choice to make - join up now or wait for conscription. As your generation takes its place in the world, all of you must make this decision: the money or the box?

As the Class of 2005 goes out into the world, I ask you to embrace this tradition of service and help set an example for all Americans - preferably without two trains leaving from different state capitals.

This isn't a Democratic idea. This isn't a Republican idea. It's not really an idea at all. This is an American idea. It has sustained our nation's liberty for more than 200 years.

The Founders knew that too much government leads to oppression, but that too little government leads to long breaks in C-SPAN.

Today, the Class of 2005 looks out on an America that continues to be defined by the promise of our Declaration of Independence, and borders drawn up arbitrarily by people who didn't like each other.

We're still the nation our Founders imagined, where individual freedom and opportunity is unbounded, where nutcases can shoot at each other, and where men in big hats are still respected like nowhere else.

Take the box,

GWB

Trading Places

2005-05-17T20:56:00.000-04:00

I'm pleased to congratulate a distinguished public servant, Rob Portman, on becoming our new United States Trade Representative.

Even if I am disappointed, because I thought it was going to be Natalie Portman, and I could ask her for some Star Wars spoilers. Or the number of her hairdresser.

Ambassador Portman will be carrying on the superb work done by Bob Zoellick, without the inherent pronuciation difficulties. Under Ambassador Zoellick's outstanding leadership, the U.S. Trade Representative's Office has worked with Congress to pass trade promotion authority. And also broken several line-dancing records.

We've completed free trade agreements with twelve nations on five continents and five nations on twelve continents. And those agreements will open a combined market of 124 million consumers for America's farmers - literally in the case of a number of small cannabilistic nations.

I want to thank all the men and women at the USTR for the good work they have done. And give them all a big hug. Aw, aren't they cute? Yes you are, yes you are.

Ambassador Portman is the right and/or nearest man to carry on this important work. He has a great record as a champion of free and fair trade - unbeated after 24 fights with 7 Knock-Outs.

In his early days as an attorney, he specialized in international trade law and the hammer throw. Throughout his time in Congress, he built a reputation as a steadfast proponent of the power of open markets and cyclonic vaccuum cleaners, to spread hope, prosperity and suction around the world.

As an Ohioan, Rob knows how much American farmers and workers depend on our export markets and also all the words to Cleveland Rocks!

To advance our trade agenda, we have three priorities in the months ahead. Our first trade priority is to pass the Central American and Dominican Republic Free Trade Agreement, known as CAFTA. Sure, it should be known as CADRFTA, but CAFTA's easier to pronounce, even if it does sound like an expirimental Indian techno group.

The agreement does four key things: It makes tacos cheaper, allows us to offload more cows, lets me use the word CAFTA a lot, and stops President Vicente Fox calling me "gringo".

Our second trade priority is to encourage, or stop trying to bypass, the Doha Development Agenda now being pursued by the World Trade Organization. This new framework is the largest negotiation of its kind in history, but still isn't very exciting. But at least it puts Qatar on the map.

Finally, our third trade priority is to ensure that those who sign trade agreements live up to their terms. Or else we'll send the boys around.

One reason I selected Ambassador Portman for this job is because he's got incriminating photos of me singing "Not a girl, not yet a woman" into a hairbrush. Another is I know he'll work to see that our farmers and our workers and service providers are treated fairly or unfairly, but in their favour.

Ambassador Portman will work to ensure that China stops the piracy of U.S. intellectual property, by taking to the high-seas with a hearty-crew and a beautiful woman disguised as a cabin boy.

America is a nation founded on the idea of open exchange, and cheap tea. By opening new markets, we'll increase the number of markets. Some of them might even be Super.

By enforcing trade laws and agreements, we will ensure a level playing field for America's workers, and probably piss off everyone who knows we actually violate these agreements ourselves.

American workers can compete with anybody, any time, anywhere when the rules are fair. Except on Sundays, because, you know, it's a day of rest.

Rob Portman is America's Trade Representative; he's also my friend.

And friends don't let friends negotiate trade deals while drunk.

GWB

Peace is our profession

2005-05-15T17:45:00.000-04:00

It is an honor and a privilege to join you to pay our respects to our nation's fallen law enforcement officers. It's also an important chance for me to stand behind a podium and say stuff that will get me on television. Just so you know.

Every year at the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial, we add names of those who have been lost in the line of duty. Also, on a few occassions, any funny names which have slipped past the censors. Like Terry Spantsov, who's been honored on three separate occassions. Once alongside his brother Bernie.

All of these men and women, barring those mentioned above, and any who've been post-humously been found to be corrupt, served the cause of justice. Our nation stands in admiration, gratitude, and uncomfortable shoes for their service.

There are more than 800,000 men and women who serve as law enforcement in this country - many of them not cast members of CSI. When these brave Americans take the oath to serve and protect their fellow citizens, they answer a vital calling, and after they've done that and washed their hands, they accept a profound responsibility. Or they don't, and just get high on their power to beat up minorities and smuggle drugs. Since America's early days, the badge has represented a pledge to protect the innocent -- and also an inability to track down the man who killed your partner until it is confiscated by your captain, becaused the mayor is busting his ass.

The tradition of sacrifice and service runs strong amongst law enforcement - almost as strong as the tradition of eating donuts. The fallen officers we honor this afternoon honored that tradition of service, sacrifice and donuts.

I thank all the family members who are with us today. Our nation is grateful to you. We pray that you find strength to bear the loss, and you can know that our nation will always remember and honor the ones you loved. Not that we'll do anything like give you money for it or anything like that. But it's the thought that counts.

I also thank all the law enforcement officers who have come here today to pay tribute to fallen comrades, or provide an alibi in some cases.

We're a nation built on the rule of law, and also wars and slavery, and the men and women who enforce those laws, and in some cases also the wars and slavery, uphold America's role as a beacon for fairness, peace and covering things up.

Every generation of Americans has produced men and women willing to stand watch over the rest of us. We call them the Justice League of America. But when they're busy with the Ultramarines or whatever, every generation has lived under the protection, and protection scams, of law enforcement.

For each friend or family member here today, the engraving on the wall will always glow brightly around one name.

For the schizophrenics like the guy from a Beautiful Mind, the whole thing probably looks like a big code telling them to kill us all.

Peace, out.

GWB

Georgia on my mind

2005-05-10T21:50:00.000-04:00

Citizens of a free Georgia, Laura and I were in the neighborhood -- we thought we'd swing by and say gamarjoba. Also, if we could borrow a cup of sugar? And could one of you come around and collect the mail while we're away?

I am proud to stand beside a President who has shown such spirit, determination, and leadership in the cause of freedom. Also one who's shown such flexibility and a preclivity for revealing underwear.

And Laura and I are proud to stand with the courageous people of Georgia, in this place that has earned a proud name -- Freedom Square.

When Georgians gathered here 16 years ago, this square had a different name. And it wasn't French Square. Under Lenin's steely gaze and less steely nostril-flare, thousands of Georgians prayed and sang, and demanded their independence. Much like the blue elephant guy in Return of the Jedi.

The Soviet army crushed that day of protest, but they could not crush the spirit of the Georgian people, because it was hidden under a pile of old Readers' Digests.

The following year, Georgians returned to this square and pulled down the statue of Lenin, and, if rumour is to be believed, made off with his genitalia.

And on April 9th, 1991, you declared to the world that Soviet Georgia was no more, and that the independent nation of Georgia was born. Then the American state sued you for breach of trademark, before the whole thing was sorted out in a best-two-out-of-three Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament.

On that historic day, you reclaimed your sovereignty, but the hopeful start you made was not fulfilled, and neither were your buy-8, get-one free Sub Club cards.

So 18 months ago, Georgians returned to this square to complete the task. You gathered here armed with nothing but roses, the power of your convictions and the occassional Super-Soaker, and you claimed your liberty, and your Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki footlong.

And because you acted, Georgia is today both sovereign and free, and a beacon of liberty for this region and the world. Also suffering a bit from onion breath.

The path of freedom you have chosen is not easy, but you will not travel it alone. Sure, you have for the past 15 years, but now we're here to take credit.

Building a free society is the work of generations. It took nearly 15 years of struggle before liberty and justice fully took root in this country. In America, it's been over 200 and we're still not even closer.

Many of the students and workers who gathered here on this square 18 months ago were too young to remember, or in some cases were conceived during, the protests of 1989, but they took up freedom's cause and finished the work that their parents had begun. Only in cooler clothes.

As free nations, the United States and Georgia have great responsibilities and sexy flags, and together, we will do our duty and perv on each others flags.

In this global struggle for liberty, our duties begin at home - particularly when your home is the White House.

While peaceful revolutions can bring down repressive regimes, it takes a village to raise a child. Or is that something else? The real real challenge is to build up free institutions in their place, and then build golf-courses, and get low scores on them. This is difficult work, and you are undertaking it with dignity and determination.

You have taken tough steps to reform your economy and to crack down on corruption, and the CIA has taken only minimal steps to stop you.

You're building a democratic society where the rights of minorities are respected, where a free press flourishes, a vigorous opposition is welcome, and unity is achieved through peace. So, perhaps not so similar to America then.

As you build freedom in this country, you must know that the seeds of liberty you are planting in Georgian soil are flowering across the globe, although in some places they could need more watering, and we think someone urinated on the one in Iraq.

I have come here to thank you for your courage and purchase some cheap CDs.

The American people value your friendship, and admire your determination, and, when you're not looking, your girlfriends butt.

On behalf of all Americans except those from our Georgia, thank you.

Best three out of five?

GWB

El presidente es ridículo

2005-05-05T01:58:00.000-04:00

Bienvenidos, homes!

Laura and I are honored to host so many distinguished Hispanic Americans, Mexican leaders, and people I previously thought were gardeners here in the Jardin de Rosa.

Welcome to the White House. The way I see it is mi casa es su casa. But if you break it, you brought it.

I always look forward to Cinco de Mayo, especially because it gives me a chance to practice my Spanish. And call people Esae, and pretend I'm a tough Cuban drug lord in Miami Vice.

My only problem this year is I scheduled the dinner on quatro de Mayo. Well, how was I supposed to know what Cinco de Mayo meant?

I want to thank you all for coming. I particularly want to thank the Attorney General to the stars, Alberto Gonzales, for joining us. The Secretary of Commerce, Carlos Gutierrez, and Edi. Speedy Gonzales and Slowpoke Rodriguez, Secretary and Assistant Secretary for Transport.

And Eduardo Aguirre, who is the Director of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. And also, ironically, here illegally, doing one of those jobs no American wants to do.

Cinco de Mayo commemorates a joyful moment in Mexican history - the invention of the taco. Also the defeat of the evil French.

Tonight we're proud to celebrate that moment together, and insult French people. Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys.

The United States and Mexico are united by ties of family, faith in God, a deep love of tacos and big hats, and a profound understanding of the painfulness of cacti.

More than 25 million men and women of Mexican origin now make their homes in the United States, and up to 10 million of them also make our homes.

And they're making our nation more vibrant and more hopeful every day. And also kind of sexy. Especially with their contriution to women's underwear. Yowser!

Mexican Americans have enriched the American experience with contributions to music and dancing and the arts, reaching the pinacle of all three in Salma Hayek's striptease in From Dusk til Dawn.

And at least, unlike your Puerto Rican cousins, you never gave us Menudo.

Mexican Americans are also strengthening our country with their patriotism and service. And the Spy Kids movies.

Thousands of Mexican Americans have sacrificed in the Armed Services for our freedom. Which probably points to a problem with us putting so many of you guys in harms ways.

And more than 8,700 men and women born in Mexico now wear the uniform of the United States military. Many of them are actually serving. Some just think its cool to wear the uniform. A few others are playing token ethnic characters in Police Dramas set in Los Angeles.

These dedicated men and women are making America safer, and they're making the world safer. Unless you're Arabic, but then, Cinco de Mayo is not about them. It's about the French.

And they're carrying on the courage and devotion that inspired an outnumbered band of Mexican soldiers to victory in the Battle of Pueblo on the cinco de Mayo, 1862, and also no doubt inspired several other, less celebrated, losses.

Of course their devotion is being balanced out in the traditional American way of making the streets at home unsafe by forming gangs and shooting at each other.

Here at the White House, the triumph of Cinco de Mayo was recognized by President Abraham Lincoln, who replaced his trademark top-hat with a sombrero for the day.

And through the generations, Americans have continued to look on our neighbor to the south with fondness, deep respect, and, on occassion, shotguns.

We look to the future with confidence in our warm and growing friendship, and less confidence in border-security which means non-Mexicans are soon going to be outnumbered.

And so now it is my pleasure to offer a toast: May God bless the people of Mexico, and all the sons and daughters of Mexico who call America home.

Que Dios los bendiga.

Andale,Andale, Ariba,Ariba, eh-hah!

GWB

Guest Blogger: Laura Bush

2005-05-02T16:59:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been reading this blog for for years and just quietly sitting there.

Well, I've got a few things I want to say for a change.

This is going to be fun because he really doesn't have a clue about what I'm gonna' to say next.

Scratch that, he just doesn't have a clue.

George always says he's delighted to come to these press dinners. Delighted being a euphamism for drunk and randy.

Baloney. He's usually in bed by now. And he hasn't been drunk and randy in years.

I said to him the other day, "George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later." And he said, "You mean longer, and just and it'll kick in any moment."

I am married to the president of the United States, and here's our typical evening: Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is pretending to be sound asleep and perving on Eva Longoria, while I'm watching Desperate Housewives— with Lynne Cheney. What she's doing in Desperate Housewives is beyond me.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife. I mean, if those women on that show think they're desperate, they oughta be with George. You'd have to be desperate to be with George.

But George and I are complete opposites — I'm quiet, he's talkative, I'm introverted, he's extroverted, I can pronounce nuclear, I'm not gay, he—

The amazing thing, however, is that George and I were just meant to be.

Meant to be what, I'm not sure.

I was the librarian who spent 12 hours a day in the library, yet somehow I met George.

We met, and married, and I became one of the regulars up at Kennebunkport. Which is not as dirty as it sounds.

People ask me what it's like to be up there with the whole Bush clan. Lemme put it this way: First prize — three-day vacation with the Bush family. Second prize — 10 days. Third prize is a meat tray - have a guess which one I won.

Speaking of prizes brings me to my mother-in-law. People often wonder what my mother-in-law's really like. People think she's a sweet, grandmotherly, Aunt Bea type. She's actually more like, mmm, Don Corleone.

And not just because of the weight.

I saw my in-laws down at the ranch over Easter. At least I think they were the in-laws. Could've been a bunch of wild bears.

George didn't know much about ranches when we bought the place. He just thought they made you into a Dude.

Andover and Yale don't have a real strong ranching program. If he'd ever been to class he'd have learnt that.

But I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse. Or Rumsfeld. I can't recall which.

Now, of course, he spends his days clearing brush, cutting trails, taking down trees, disposing of bodies, or, as the girls call it, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

George's answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw — which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well. That or that weird thing with the paddles and the sheep I saw them doing last Wednesday.

But actually, in all seriousness, I do love the ranch, and I love the whole Bush family. Except Jeb.

He knows why.

I think when you marry someone, you unconsciously are looking for something in your spouse to help fulfill something in you, and George did that for me. That something was being First Lady.

He brought fun and energy into my life and so many other things, some of which turned out to be quite fun once you got past the chafing.

George is a very good listener, he's easy to be around, and on top of it all, he's a loving father whose daughters absolutely adore him.

And he's hung like a horse. A very small horse, but a horse nonetheless

LWB

Look Mom, I'm on TV!

2005-04-29T18:33:00.000-04:00

Good evening. Tonight I will discuss two vital priorities for the American people, and then I'd be glad to answer some of your questions. And maybe, if you're all good, a song off the new album

Millions of American families and small businesses are hurting because of higher gasoline prices. Millions are also hurting from incorrectly sized underwear.

My administration is doing everything we can to make gasoline more affordable. We're handing out coupons and everything.

We must address the root causes that are driving up gas prices. US-backed oil monopolies in Saudi Arabia, unneccessary wars in Iraq, governments ignoring price fixing schemes, and SUVS.

No, not address. Ignore.

We're relying more on energy produced abroad. Especially those solar-power freaks who are getting all their power from the sun. Traitors!

To reduce our dependence on foreign sources of energy, we must take four key steps. First, Invade Iraq. Secondly, set up a puppet government which turns Iraq into a de-facto colony of the United States. Thirdly, incorporate Iraq into the United States. And fourthly, party hard!

I applaud the House for passing a good energy bill and a truly remarkable kidney stone. Now the Senate needs to act on this urgent priority. American consumers have waited long enough. Some of them are starting to smell.

Congress also needs to address the challenges facing Social Security. Challenges like an incompetent President talking about it all over the country. I've traveled the country to talk with the American people, they understand that Social Security is headed for serious financial trouble, and that I'm the President and I get the last slice of pizza.

Of course, they just assume its another part of the economy I've screwed up, which is why I keep talking about it. Not every problem in America is my fault. Just the ones you know about.

Social Security worked fine during the last century, but the math has changed. We forgot to carry a two.

A generation of baby boomers is getting ready to retire, move to Florida, and shoot anything that moves. I happen to be one of them.

Today there are about 40 million retirees receiving benefits; by the time all the baby boomers have retired, there will be more than 72 million retirees drawing Social Security benefits and complaining about kids today and how everything was better in the 50s.

They must be destroyed.

Franklin Roosevelt did a wonderful thing when he created Social Security. It was this sort of Macarena-style dance which was really quite cool. He sort of shook his hips like this, and...well, I'll send you a tape.

As we fix Social Security, some things won't change: My haircut, the words Social Security and the quality of jokes on Saturday Night Live.

The money from a voluntary personal retirement account would supplement the check one receives from Social Security, and allow banks to look after more of your money. Because everyone trusts banks. It's not like they charge lots of fees or anything.

In a reformed Social Security system, voluntary personal retirement accounts would offer workers a number of investment options that are simple and easy to understand. Like pyramid schemes and millions of dollars in money from the Nigerian treasury.

In the coming days and weeks, I will work with both the House and the Senate as they take the next steps in the legislative process and the big musical number at the annual inter-house production of Guys and Dolls.

I'm willing to listen to any good idea from either party. Provided it doesn't involve another twirl. We can't squeeze in another twirl.

Too often, the temptation in Washington is to look at a major issue only in terms of whether it gives one political party an advantage over the other. If you're like that, you'd have to say this one favors my guys.

Its not like I care. I'm retiring. All I want is to get a bill and a railway station named after me.

Any questions?

GWB

Money, Money, Money, Money!

2005-04-25T16:39:00.000-04:00

My most solemn responsibility as Commander-in-Chief is to protect the American people. I'm like America's Condom.

At this moment, our courageous men and women in uniform are serving in distant lands, or, if that uniform is blue and stripy, in your local McDonalds.

They are risking their lives to ensure our security or hamburgers.

We must give them all the resources and props they need to protect us from the threats of determined enemies and incompetent presidents to prevail in the war on terror.

I applaud the House and Senate for their strong support of my supplemental funding request for our troops serving on the front lines. And also for their plate-spinning world record, which is going to be hard to top.

This funding will help provide the weapons, ammunition, spare parts, and iPods that our troops need to do their job. And possibly with a healthy stash of porn so they stop screwing everything in sight.

I urge Congress to come together to resolve their remaining differences and logic equations, and send me a bill quickly. A bill to give me money - not for services rendered smart-asses.

As our servicemen and women make our nation more secure, they are also helping to transform other nations that until recently knew only tyranny and despair. Now they also know a thing or two about electrodes and genitals.

In Afghanistan, millions went to the polls after we helped liberate that country from the Taliban. Of course, millions also went to the polls beforehand, but this time they didn't have to have a beard.

In Iraq, the sacrifices made by our Armed Forces are helping Iraqis build a government that answers to the people instead of the other way around. If it works there, we might try it here.

As Iraqis assume increasing responsibility for the stability of their country, we must again take over responsibility for the instability to ensure there is a balance.

Today, more than 150,000 Iraqi security forces have been trained and equipped, which, on reflection, probably represents too short a training period, or, at this rate, more than one million police by the end of the week.

Like free people everywhere, Iraqis want to be defended and led by their own countrymen. Actually, like free people everywhere, Iraqis want me to fuck off.

We will help them achieve this objective, and then our troops will come home with the honor, tattoos, psychological scars and potential paternity suits they have earned.

As we fight the war on terror and spread freedom abroad, we continue to pursue pro-growth economic policies at home. Pursue, but never catch. We're the Wyle E. Coyote of economic policy.

That's why the 2006 budget I submitted to Congress holds the growth of discretionary spending to 2.1 percent -- below the projected rate of inflation, and much below the massively inflated figure I sent in last year. I'm still spending all of that picking up signed Gary Coleman merchandise on E-Bay.

Spending discipline requires difficult choices. The t-shirt with David Hasselhoff or the "What you talkin' about, Willis?" coffee mug.

My 2006 budget eliminates, or substantially reduces, more than 150 federal programs that are not succeeding, that are duplicating existing efforts, or that are difficult to pronounce.

The savings in my budget are critical in helping us to keep our economy growing and creating jobs. The spendings are critical in stopping that. We'll let them fight it out and see who wins.

Mmembers of Congress need to come together and send me a budget that funds our priorities, ensures that taxes stay low, comes in Powerpoint form.

Then I'll put it all on black and hope,

GWB

CSI: Earth

2005-04-23T23:17:00.000-04:00

Today is Earth Day, a day in which we celebrate the rockingest planet in the solar system. Except Pluto, which I think is really cool.

We recommit ourselves to being good stewards of our land, or, if we're air stewards, to being less anti-Earth.

We didn't create this Earth, but we have an obligation to protect it. Otherwise, that's seven days work down the drain.

One of the interesting things about our nation is that since 1970, the air is cleaner and the water is more pure and we're using our land better - and yet we've had basically three decades of bad hair. My point is, it's possible to have bad hair and, at the same time, be wise stewards of the land.

I've known a few stewards with bad hair in my time.

And I want to share with you, too, two issues that we have worked together on that will make a difference around the country, and one that will look good on our college application.

First, we have finalized a rule that will cut pollution from heavy diesel engines by 90 percent. Sure, it involves redifining the Hindu-Arabic numerical system, but, to be frank, I've had my doubts about some of those Arabic numbers for quite some time.

And, secondly, I put forth a series of rules called the Clear Skies Initiative, or CSI, which will cut air pollution and get me sued by Jerry Bruckheimer.

Jerry - it's time for payback. Footloose was based on me, and you know it.

The water quality of the United States is good because we're strictly enforcing the law. The Don't Piss Where You Drink initiative has had an amazing impact, and should soon lead to the historic Don't Shit Where You Eat legislation.

One of my concerns back when I first started running for President was whether I looked kind of goofy on podiums. Another was to make sure that our national park system worked well for all our citizens. One out of two aint bad.

So my message on Earth Day is we have a duty and an obligation to protect our environment. From the scum of the universe.

But that obligation is not just a federal obligation -- there is a state obligation, a local obligation and each of us as citizens can do our part, as well.

It sure as hell isn't my fault.

Now, everybody cut loose!

GWB

Episode IV: A New Pope

2005-04-19T19:13:00.000-04:00

Laura and I offer our congratulations and our season tickets to the Mets to Pope Benedict XVI.

Personally, I was hoping he'd name himself Pope Rocky. Because then, one day in the future, we'd have a Pope Rocky V - a Pope who'd kick the ass of any of those damn Russians who stepped up to the plate with their anti-catholic church rhetoric.

A Pope who could lay the smackdown. Actually, if the WWE's the Rock become Pope that'd be cool. Then we'd have the Pope's Eyebrow. And the Pope's Elbow. And...sorry, getting distracted here.

I just love the wrestling.

Anyway, Cardinal Ratzinger, who sounds like a killer Bond-villain, is a man of great wisdom, knowledge and ten-pin bowling skill. Seriously, he's so good it's scary. I once saw him pick up a 7-10 split while delivering communion.

Okay, I made that bit up.

He's a man who serves the Lord, and, during the Vatican Christmas party, the chips and dips.

We remember well his sermon at the Pope's funeral in Rome, and the pleasant nap we got during it.

His words touched our hearts and the hearts of millions. He's like High Blood Pressure.

We join with our fellow citizens and millions around the world who pray for continued strength and wisdom as His Holiness leads the Catholic Church. Or failing that, another cool funeral to attend.

And then, maybe one day, a Pope who's ready to rumble.

Because I could so kick Cardinal Ratzinger's ass,

GWB

Energize!

2005-04-16T16:34:00.000-04:00

American families and small businesses across the country are feeling the pinch from rising gas prices and the roaming fingers of bum-pinching Presidents. If you're trying to meet a family budget or a payroll, even a small change at the pump can have a big impact. Particularly when that change is that it is now on fire.

America's prosperity depends on reliable, affordable and secure sources of energy. Preferably ones that make a lot of money for people in the oil and coal lobby, but at the very least, they'd better not be free.

And today our energy needs are growing faster than our domestic sources are able to provide. Which, ironically, is the reverse of the national obesity epidemic.

Demand for electricity has grown more than 17 percent in the past decade due to the growth in popularity of iPods and vibrators, while our transmission ability lags behind. And we continue to import more than one-half of our domestic oil supply, a move likely to continue after my plan to make Iraq part of domestic-America got ruined.

In the coming days and weeks I'll talk more about what we need to do in Washington to make sure America has an energy policy that reflects the demands of a new century. Fuel for our jetpacks, plutonium for time-machines and ions for the TIE fighters.

The first order of business is for Congress to pass an energy bill. Or any bill. Something minor would do.

We must find smarter ways to meet our energy needs, and we must encourage Americans to make better choices about energy consumption. To that end, we'll do...um...actually, we don't really do this that much. We must also continue to invest in research, so we will develop the technologies that would allow us to conserve more and be better stewards of the environment. Or at least look like we're not screwing about and trying to get everyone to buy Hummers and SUVs.

Even if they're cool.

The energy bill must encourage more production at home in environmentally sensitive ways. Ways which destroy the environment, but do it humanely.

More of our energy is coming from abroad (and not a-broad, as I originally thought we'd tapped Martha Stewart for our energy supply).

To meet our energy needs and strengthen our national security we must make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy. Without pissing off the Saudis, of course, who are practically American. I mean, they own it.

We also need to promote safe, clean nuclear power, or failing that, nuclear power with the kind of radioactivity that gave Spider-man and Daredevil their powers. That'd rock.

Finally, the energy bill must help us find better, more reliable ways to deliver energy to consumers. The BMX bikes are getting worn out, and the cardboard boxes just don't retain the warmth they should.

Every source of power that we use today started with the power of human invention, with the exception of kinetic energy, which has its beginnings all the way back in the Big Bang.

There is nothing America cannot achieve when we put our mind to it. Except Time Travel.

Now it's time to apply our knowledge and technology to keep the American Dream alive in this new century. The Dream of Lava lamps, widescreen televisions and an industrial strength smoke-machine in the living room.

The Dream of Disco,

GWB

I always thought it would be fun to run a newspaper

2005-04-14T19:23:00.000-04:00

Jefferson said, "Our liberty depends on freedom of the press, that cannot be limited without being lost." He also went on to say, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

But you know, what? That woman was his wife. And he did.

I haven't given up newspapers. Reading them, yes. Lining Barney's kennel with them, no.

I do find myself much happier than I've been in a long time in Washington. I'm enjoying myself. I took these two white pills with angels carved into them. And I love you all.

It's been a fascinating experience to be the President of the country. You should try it some time.

It's been a remarkable time in Washington. It seems like an eternity since I was last here. A lot has happened. Especially in the new season of 24.

Somebody said, well, how do you describe the presidency? I said, slowly and phoenetically. It is a decision-making job; I make a lot of decisions. It is an omlette-making job. I make a lot of omlettes.

Especially since I learned the secret from Iron Chef France.

At your next editorial board, when you're dealing with a future President, you ought to say, how do you intend to make omlettes and decisions?

A couple of thoughts about this year and the agenda.

First, we got a problem with energy. And it's a problem that didn't happen overnight. At least, not that I could see, because there was a blackout.

I was at Fort Hood the other day and sitting, having lunch with some soldiers, and the second question that the fellow asked me, was why don't you lower gasoline prices? And I said why don't you? And he said because I'm not the President. And I said, well shut the hell up then.

I'm also talking about retirement security. I'm talking about it a lot. Frankly, I'm not a really popular fellow on Capitol Hill for talking about it. Well, that and the new "No Pants" rule in the upper house.

My eyes are still burning.

When I was governor, I felt like it was important to take on big issues. I also felt it was important to take on the Heavyweight Champion of the World, and I tried to convince the legislature to work with me. But then it turned into a three-on-one debacle, and I lost by DQ.

I feel the same way about Social Security. We got a serious problem, and we're going to lose by DQ. I don't care what your party is or what your political philosophy is, you can't ignore the math. Three-on-one should spell victory, but someone always uses a chair when they shouldn't.

And the fundamental question confronting Congress is, are they willing to take on this Champion now before it's too late, before by waiting the cost becomes more and more severe.

Or aint they got no cojones?

And we've just started the process. It may seem like a long time to you, but realistically, we've really just started. Sure, we've had four years, but with all the vacations, and being asleep at the wheel, that's barely any time at all.

Overseas, there's a lot going on.

And I believe our actions have helped make the world a more peaceful place. Well, they do say if you want peace, prepare for war. We did. Twice.

There are still people there who'd like to create harm to America. The only way to deal with them, in my opinion, is to elect them as President.

We got a lot of people around the world who are more than willing to share intelligence and to help follow leads, and to bring people to justice. We've also got a lot saying "Oooh, don't shoot at us." Bunch of Wimps.

We're getting help in Saudi Arabia. The terrorists made a tactical mistake, in my judgment, by attacking the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Of course, the fact that that was actually there real target, and we were just used to get to them - primarily because of my dad's close relationship to King Fahd - may have helped.

You just got to know, we're going to be relentless and unyielding, and we'll do everything we can to bring people to justice. Unless their Saudi citizens, in which case, we'll attack Syria.

The long-term solution to defeat a radical ideology is to defeat it with freedom. And smart bombs. A those big rail-guns likes Governor Schwarzenegger used in Eraser.

I believe everybody longs to be free. Especially those guys at Guantanamo Bay.

So a lot is going on, worldwide, based upon the fundamental premise that freedom is a necessary part of achieving a peaceful world.

My hope, of course, is when it's all said and done, to look back and say this world is a more peaceful place after eight years of my administration.

So, blindness, senility or blissful ignorance it is, then,

GWB

War on terr.....Iraq!

2005-04-12T22:56:00.000-04:00

This weekend we marked the two-year anniversary of the liberation of Baghdad by staging riot "re-enactments" in Iraq. Some people got killed, yes, but it was all in fun.

Coalition forces crossed more than 350 miles of desert to get there, pushing through dust storms and death squads, in a scene reminiscent of that 1999 Classic "The Mummy" and 2001's lesser sequel "The Mummy Returns".

The coalition assault was rapid, and it wasn't easy - like a pie eating contest.

For millions of Iraqis and Americans, it is a day they will never forget; for the stoners among us, one we will never remember.

The toppling of Saddam Hussein's statue in Baghdad will be recorded, alongside the fall of the Berlin Wall and my dad chucking up on the Japanese Prime Minister, as one of the great moments in the history of liberty.

The terrorists have made Iraq a central front in the war on terror. Oh, no wait, that was us, because we tried to link the two unrelated services.

Because of our troops - your service, your sacrifice and our bullets, we are defeating them there where they live. Or lived.

Because of you, the people of Iraq no longer live in fear of being executed and left in mass graves. We at least bury them in marked graves. Because of you, freedom is taking root in Iraq. Or is that freedom is rooted in Iraq?

In my liberation message to the Iraqi people, I made them a solemn promise: "I will not declare war on your country again." I went on to say: "Because its our country now."

From the beginning, or at least from the point where we stopped bullshitting the UN about WMDs, our goal in Iraq has been to promote Iraqi independence.

By helping the Iraqi people establish a free country that can sustain itself, rule itself, and defend itself, unlike the previous regime, which could only do two of those, because of crippling sanctions imposed on it.

Iraqis have laid the foundations of a free society, with hundreds of independent newspapers in the pockets dozens of political parties and associations, and schools that teach Iraqi children how to read and write, instead of the propaganda of Saddam Hussein. Which presumably they had to be able to read, but it was probably Arabic.

Iraqis have laid the foundation of a free economy, with a new currency and independent central bank, new laws to encourage foreign investment, and thousands of small businesses established since liberation.

And oil. Shitloads of oil.

An Iraqi special tribunal has been established that will try senior leadership, including Saddam Hussein. He will get the trial, and the E! News trial re-enactment that he did not afford his fellow citizens when he was in power.

Iraqis have laid a solid foundation for democratic self-government, an example we here at home could no doubt learn from.

There's a lot of hard work ahead. The Iraqi people face brutal and determined enemies, many of whom aren't us. But Iraqis are also determined, as witnessed by how powerful their insurgency has been.

As Iraq's new government assumes increasing responsibility for the stability of their country, security operations are entering a new phase. Phase B. Or is it C? I don't do phases.

Iraq security forces are becoming more self-reliant and taking on greater responsibilities. And aren't they cute in their little uniforms? Bless them.

And that means that America and its coalition partners are increasingly playing more of a supporting role, or to put it accurately, pissing off with the job half-done.

Today, more than 150,000 Iraqi security forces have been trained and equipped, and for the first time, the Iraqi army, police and security forces now outnumber U.S. forces in Iraq. Well, obviously for the first time since the war. Beforehand there were apparently a lot of them.

Like free people everywhere, Iraqis want to be defended and led by their own countrymen. And like free people everywhere they hate their own government and want to destroy it. We will help them achieve this objective so Iraqis can secure their own nation.

We already did.

As the Iraq democracy succeeds, that success is sending a message from Beirut to Tehran that freedom can be the future of every nation. Actually, some sort of phone network is probably doing that, and only if there were two idiots in each of those countries who decided that was worth the long-distance telephone charges.

The establishment of a free Iraq at the heart of the Middle East will be a crushing defeat to the forces of tyranny and terror, and a boon for cartographers everywhere.

Hoo-haa!

GWB

Pope'n aint easy!

2005-04-08T23:52:00.000-04:00

I'm really glad I came here to Rome for the Pope's funeral. And not just because I got to ride on the back of a Moped like Amanda Bynes did in that movie set here.

It's such an honor to represent our country at a ceremony honoring a truly great man who is and will always be a great historical figure. Unless history ends, but this event has delayed that eventuality for a while.

I knew the ceremony today would be majestic, but I didn't realize how moved I would be by the service, itself. Or during, for that matter. It was that damn windy, I actually swapped seats with Vladimir Putin without noticing.

I was struck by the fact that the sound was so clear in this huge facility, and barely resisted the temptation to yell "Echo!" at the top of my voice.

I thought the homily was really good. Maybe a little too Latin for my taste, but beautiful.

I was struck by the response of the crowd and by an errant hotdog thrown by Gerhard Schroeder when I stood up too early. And I think it's interesting to note the moments where the crowd responded - and without a flashing applause sign or anything.

And then I think the thing that struck all our delegation most intensely was the final scene of the plain-looking casket being carried and held up for the seal to be seen, and then the sun pouring out. I mean, its not as good as the Statue of Liberty at the end of Planet of the Apes, but it was pretty cool.

This will be one of the highlights of my presidency, to have been at this great ceremony. The other one would be when I reenacted the speech from Independence Day to the troops in Iraq.

I think Pope John Paul II will have a clear legacy of peace, compassion, and a strong legacy of setting a clear moral tone. And a mixed legacy on white-robe sales.

I really didn't reflect that much on the politics of the moment during the ceremony. I was more thinking about how much fun it would be to crowd-surf the whole square.

I was asked by some of the leadership of the Church, was I surprised at the turnout? I said, not at all, because I saw them arrive - it wasn't like I just turned around and they were all there waiting.

I think all of us get touched in different ways if you're on a faith journey -- some in ways best left unmentioned.

But, yes, I think my relationship with Pope John Paul II will be a moment in my life that will strengthen my faith and my belief.

And my understanding of latin.

There's a reason why the largest crowd ever to come and pay homage to a human happened, and it's because of the man's character, his views, his positions, his leadership capacity, and rumours the he left an awful lot of money in his will.

Or was that just something that happened in the Da Vinci Code?

Besides the pomp and the majesty and the colors, there was a spirit that was an integral part of the ceremony.

And I'm not talking about the communion wine,

GWB

Cabinet fever

2005-04-05T15:21:00.000-04:00

Just concluded the second Cabinet meeting of the second term.

And boy, are my arms tired.

Whew, tough room.

I also urge the Congress to successfully conclude budget negotiations. The House passed the budget resolution; the Senate has passed the resolution. Then the House passed the Senate, and when the Senate was trying to pass the house, they both crashed into the wall. Or was that last night on Gran Turismo 4?

It's important we get a budget, a budget which will show the American people that we will spend their money wisely; and not blowing it all on Coffee and Ab-rollers (like last year). A budget that says we can cut the deficit in half in five years - after all, we doubled it in that time - shouldn't be too hard.

I appreciate the fact that it looks like that we're going to get a solid cap on discretionary spending, and one of those floppy trucker ones on Donald Rumsfeld.

It's also important for the senators and the members of the House of Representatives to have cool hats.

It's important for the country.

I'll be here all week.

Except that I'm going to Rome,

GWB

Goodbye, John

2005-04-02T23:18:00.000-05:00

Laura and I join people across the Earth in mourning the passing of Pope John Paul II.

The Catholic Church has lost its shepherd, the world has lost a champion of human freedom, the Popemobile has lost its driver, and a good and faithful servant of God has been called home.

Pope John Paul II left the throne of St. Peter in the same way he ascended to it -- slowly. Also as a witness to the dignity of human life.

In his native Poland, that witness launched a democratic revolution that swept Eastern Europe and changed the course of history, and made people tell Polish jokes with just a touch of whimsy. It also launched a fine tradition of Polish goal-keeping in soccer which ultimately didn't last.

Throughout the West, John Paul's witness reminded us of our obligation to build a culture of life in which the strong protect the weak. And to kiss the ground whenever we land, a strong comment on air safety standards we can all learn from.

And during the Pope's final years, his witness was made even more powerful by his daily courage in the face of illness, great suffering and the unlikelihood he would be called upon for a follow-up album to his seminal (and seminary) 1999 classic album "Abba Pater".

All Popes belong to the world, but Americans had special reason to love the man from Krakow, and not just for the fact that he leant his name to one half of the Beatles. In his visits to our country, the Pope spoke of our "providential" Constitution, the self-evident truths about human dignity in our Declaration, and the "blessings of liberty" that follow from them. He also spoke often of his love of Krispy Kreme Donuts and the earlier seasons of Frasier.

It is these truths, he said, that have led people all over the world to look to America with hope and respect. And when we stuffed them up by declaring war on Iraq, he was right there telling me I was an idiot - words as true today as they were when they were first said.

Pope John Paul II was, himself, an inspiration to millions of Americans, and to so many more throughout the world. He showed a man can be named Karol, highly religious, put out a few albums, write a frankly awful play, dress all in white and still be beloved by the Catholic church and the world at large.

We will always remember the humble, wise and fearless priest who became one of history's great moral leaders, and, in a 1982 Marvel Comic book, and on the website Popeman: The Homepage a true superhero.

We're grateful to God for sending such a man, a son of Poland, who became the Bishop of Rome, and a hero for the ages.

I'll tell you one thing, I wouldn't want to be Pope George Ringo, the man likely to be the next pope.

Try following that,

GWB

The Salsa on Terror

2005-03-31T18:42:00.000-05:00

The most solemn duty of the American President is to protect the American people.

Actually the most solemn duty is to not laugh during the State of the Union address, even when Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns dresses up as a reindeer.

Since September the 11th, 2001, we've taken bold and vigorous steps to prevent further attacks and overcome emerging threats. Sort of like a Salsa on Terror, if you will.

We face a new and different kind of enemy. Not different like in Independence Day, but different enough. The threats today are unprecedented, except for the ones with precedents.

To protect them, we need the best intelligence possible, and that's why I'm President.

Last year I issued an executive order creating an independent commission to look at America's intelligence capabilities, and cover up any mistakes. Now the stupid fools have actually made a report.

This morning the commission presented me with their recommendations, which are thoughtful, extremely significant and in an attractive Times New Roman 12-point. The central conclusion is one that I share: Times New Roman is a better font than Courier New. And double-spacing kicks ass.

Also, America's intelligence community needs fundamental change to enable us to successfully confront the threats of the 21st century. Like Time Travel.

My administration has taken steps consistent with the commission's recommendations and font selection.

In February, I named John Negroponte the first Director of National Intelligence, a post that was created to reward all the shit he took over being so wrong about WMDs in the UN. And shut up all those whining Democrats.

It's important for Congress to move quickly on John's confirmation, because he's getting hungry and the food-stamps are running out.

Today I've directed Homeland Secretary advisor Fran Townsend to oversee the interagency process, to review the commission's findings, and to show more feeling.

To win the war on terror, we will correct what needs to be fixed, cover up what is too expensive and build on what the commission calls solid intelligence successes and we call lucky guesses.

These include the uncovering of Libya's existence. In Pakistan, our intelligence helped expose and shut down the world's most dangerous nuclear proliferation network and casino buffet.

The men and women of our intelligence community work hard. Except the NSA, who are a bunch of slackers.

The work of our intelligence community is extremely difficult work. Especially living up to the reputation of movies, and telling Tom Clancy fans "No, that could never happen".

And that's why this report is important. It will enable these fine men and women to do their jobs in better fashion, and stop Tom Clancy writing more books. That is my hope, anyway, because they're getting too thick. And if Harrison's not playing Jack Ryan anymore, then I'm not watching the movies either.

The President and his national security team must have intelligence that is timely and intelligence that is accurate.

Come to think of it, it would be nice if they just had some intelligence, period.

GWB

Remember the death and resurrection of the Easter Bunny

2005-03-26T23:44:00.000-05:00

The President's Christmas message.

Hi, this is George W Bush. I'm not here right now, because it's a long-weekend, but if you'd like to leave a message, I'll get back to you on Tuesday.

This weekend, millions of Americans celebrate the joyous holiday of Easter. Actually, a few hundred, who either have Alzheimers or a time-travel device celebrate Easter every weekend.

Remember, the death of Jesus isn't just for Easter.

Easter is the most important event of the Christian faith, except for Christmas, when people around the world join together with family, friends and guys who just tag along annoyingly, to celebrate the power of love conquering death and chocolate conquering diets.

At Easter time we pray for all who serve in our military. Unless their pricks, in which case we talk about them in sentences beginning "I fully support the troops, but..."

The outstanding members of our Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps and Coast Guard are keeping America secure and advancing liberty in the world, while their mediocre members draw a reasonable pay and try not to get shot. Some of them run minor black-marketing schemes, but are not nearly as succesful as Sergeant Bilko would have us believe.

We remember especially those who have given their lives in freedom's cause. And also those who die in tragic forklift accidents, but do so during war-time. Their sacrifice is a testament to the words of scripture: "That's gonna hurt come winter."

Easter has a special meaning for the families of our men and women in uniform who miss their loved ones during the holidays. A meaning which probably involves anger at me personally. That's okay, I can take it.

It can be very difficult when someone you love is deployed on a dangerous mission in a distant land. Especially when you love yourself.

On this Easter weekend, we honor all Americans who give of themselves as long as they don't give too much and continue to respect personal space and deoderant. From those helping neighbors at home to those defending liberty overseas, or vice-versa.

Easter is the victory of light over darkness.

Not really, I made that bit up.

In this season of renewal, we remember that hope leads us closer to truth, but politics leads us further away. And that in the end, even death, itself, will be defeated.

Or we'll die trying.

Please leave a message after the tone,

GWB

We're all Americans here (except the Canadians)

2005-03-23T16:14:00.000-05:00

Good Morning. It's my honor to welcome two friends - Fox and Martin. No, it's not a wacky team up between the star of Spin City and the star of Bowfinger (Spinfinger?). It's an all-Presidential (plus one Prime Ministerial) team-up as GWB, Vicente Fox and Paul Martin first fight, then join forces to protect the world.

I appreciate the meetings we just had. If for nothing else, then for those fine bagels. You must give me your recipe Paul.

We intend to keep our relationships strong. If necessary, we're prepared to go to counselling. We'd do anything for the kids. Plus, its not like we can just wipe out Canada and Mexico.

Yet.

And so we had a good discussion about prosperity and security. And a poor discussion about Professional Wrestling, with each country claiming to have the better wrestlers. Then I laid the smackdown on Vicente right through the wooden table. End of discussion.

It's important for us to work to make sure our countries are safe and secure, in order that our people can live in peace, and sneak illegally into one another to clean bathrooms for a living.

We've got a lot of trade with each other and we intend to keep it that way. Especially if I'm going to complete my 1979 All-star Rookie collection.

We've got a lot of crossings of the border, I intend to make our borders more secure and facilitate legal traffic. And straighter. They're really crooked at the moment, which makes it hard to draw.

We've got a lot to do. So we charged our ministers with the task of figuring out how best to keep these relationships vibrant and strong. Unfortunately, shortly afterwards the police charged our ministers with offences which cannot be discussed here.

And I appreciate the commitment of the Prime Minister and the President in a non-gay-marriage way toward a spirit of partnership to outlast whatever politics may occur and whatever stupid thing I say next.

And so I want to welcome our friends. Or as Mr Fox might say, the Three Amigos.

Ole.

Has it been two years already?

2005-03-19T14:33:00.000-05:00

On this day two years ago, we launched Operation Iraqi Freedom to disarm a brutal regime, free its people, and defend the world from a grave danger.

Whoops! My bad.

Before coalition forces arrived, Iraq was ruled by a dictatorship that murdered its own citizens, threatened its neighbors, and defied the world. Now, it's ruled by a puppet government which is murdered by its own citizens and threatened by the world. Not so much a result as a reshuffle.

We knew of Saddam Hussein's record of aggression and support for terror. Sure, we didn't know that Osama and him were bitter enemies, but that was because we never watch the History Channel. We're Americans, what need have we of history?

We knew of Saddam's long history of pursuing, even using, weapons of mass destruction. Again, we didn't know he didn't have any. And admit it - neither did you.

And we know that September the 11th requires our country to think differently. Or at the very least, to nod seriously and say phrases like "the world has changed" and "never again".

We must, and we will, confront threats to America before they fully materialize. Or, in the case of Romulans, while they remain cloaked.

Now, because we acted, Iraq's government is no longer a threat to the world or its own people. In fact, it is unlikely to be a threat to the Wisconsin Under 16's Girls Volleyball side, unless they get more spiking power up front.

In January, over eight million Iraqis defied the car bombers and assassins to vote in free elections. Which just goes to show that political processes are much more effective than military action.

I have no grasp of the irony of this situation.

This week, Iraq's Transitional National Assembly convened for the first time. These elected leaders broadly represent Iraq's people and include more than 85 women. We're not quite sure how much more than 85 - there's one or two in there who may or may not be, if you know what I mean.

They will now draft a new constitution for a free and democratic Iraq. Then, if we approve it, in October, that document will be presented to the Iraqi people in a national referendum. One highly unlikely to be influenced by the presence of thousands of foreign troops propping up the current government.

Free governments reflect the culture of the citizens they serve, and that is happening in Iraq. Lots of the leaders have moustaches, just like the Iraqi citizens. Many of them speak Arabic. And quite a lot secretly resent the US presence there.

Iraq's progress toward political freedom has opened a new phase of our work there. A phase I like to call: Phase B. We are focusing our efforts on training the Iraqi security forces. Not just training them to provide security, but also training them in Synchronised Swimming. Because nothing says democracy like Synchronised Swimming.

As they become more self-reliant and take on greater security responsibilities, America and its coalition partners will increasingly assume a supporting role, by taking up positions in the base of the naked human pyramid that is Iraq.

In the end, Iraqis must be able to defend their own country, because, having been attacked by foreign aggressors twice in a decade, it seems only a matter of time before a so-called "Coalition of the Willing" tries again.

Today we're seeing hopeful signs across the broader Middle East. The ones that say "You are now leaving the Middle East."

The victory of freedom in Iraq is inspiring democratic reformers from Beirut to Tehran. But only in a direct line. Today, women can vote in Afghanistan Idol, Palestinians are breaking the old patterns of violence and woolen sweaters, and hundreds of thousands of Lebanese are rising up to demand their sovereignty and free porn.

These are landmark events in the history of freedom and free porn.

The experience of recent years has taught us an important lesson: You can get away with anything if you link it to September 11.

Make it so,

GWB

GWB: Fair and balanced.

2005-03-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

More news than you can poke a coalition of the willing at this week.

I was talking to Silvio Berlusconi the other day - Silv as I like to call him. We were mainly talking about the Sopranos - they're a season behind and don't even know that the chick who plays Joey's sister in Joey gets killed

Anyway, he brought up the issue of Italian troops in Iraq and said, first of all, he had no idea how they'd gotten there. But he wanted me to know any withdrawals would be done in consultation with allies and would depend upon the ability of Iraqis to defend themselves. If it was too good, and too many of our guys got killed, he was out of there.

So I think what you're going to find is that countries will be willing -- anxious to get out when Iraqis have got the capacity to defend themselves. I mean, shit, they don't at the moment and there's still a lot of our guys getting killed.

I think the coalition has been buoyed by the courage of the Iraqi people and the promise of lucrative reconstruction contracts. I think they've been pleased and heartened by the fact that the Iraqis went to the polls and voted and they're now putting together a government and a touring jazz band, and they see progress is being made. Even if its back towards the Stone Age.

I want to thank our European friends for telling the Iranians they should permanently abandon any nuclear enrichment or reprocessing or bid for the 2012 Olympic Games.

Iran has concealed a nuclear program. Possibly in that little space under drawers you find in most desks. That was discovered, because a dissident group pointed it out to the world -- by mistake, I might add, during Iran's Funniest Hidden Videos.

And so suspicions were raised. And as a result of those suspicions, we made some wild accusations, then backed away to focus on the war with Syria.

Our policy is this: We want there to be a thriving democracy in Lebanon who pretty much do whatever we say. We believe that there will be a thriving democracy who pretty much do whatever we say, but only if Syria withdraws not only her troops completely out of Lebanon, but also her intelligence organizations.

If we've got to get out of Iraq, they've got to get out of Lebanon. Just because they actually brought peace to the country is no excuse.

In this post 9/11 world, the United States must make sure we protect our people and our friends from attack. To do that, we've got to bomb the shit out of everyone else.

And another way to do so is to arrest people and send them back to their country of origin with the promise that they won't be tortured. At least, not in front of our guys. And if they do, we sure as hell won't be taking pictures this time.

I think we had the image of the United States standing squarely against a religion, as opposed to a society which welcomes all religions. That was probably because an awful lot of people did just want to fight a religion. And we really did nothing to stop that.

In fact, we're fighting a handful of people relative to the Muslim population that wanted to hijack the religion.

We've only just found this out, which is why we dropped bombs on a lot of people who weren't in the least bit religious. Like Saddam.

And, you know, I think when people also see, that we do what we say we're going to do it will help people around the world better understand our good hearts and good nature.

I mean, we found those WMDs, didn't we?

GWB

Securing our future yesterday

2005-03-12T20:35:00.000-05:00

Over the last few weeks, I have traveled across our nation on the back of a motorbike, Bad to the Bone blaring in the stereo, while Jack Nicholson rode along behind me.

In my head anyway, while all around me tens of thousands of you discussed my plans for strengthening Social Security. Cos your boring squares who don't understand my generation, man.

We must fix the system permanently, so it will be there for our children and grandchildren to fuck up. I mean, if we fuck up everything now, there'll be no purpose in a government of the future.

I have been to 15 states, and I'm just getting started. I'll get to the other 15 shortly.

On every visit, I am assuring those of you born before 1950 that Social Security will remain the same for you; no changes. In fact, you should feel right at home as I gradually work our legal and economic framework back to that time.

No matter what the scare ads or politicians might tell you, you will get your checks. They might be from Ed McMahon, and they might say "Example" on them, but you'll get them.

You grandparents also understand we have got to fix the holes in this vital safety net for future generations. At least you understand eventually, when I explain it three times, loudly and slowly.

And then you don't care, because you'll be dead by then.

You younger workers know what is happening to Social Security. You don't care because you're young and you've got better things to do, like take drugs and fantasize about Brooke Burke.

Believe me, I'm right there with you.

Huge numbers of baby boomers, like me, will be retiring soon, and we are living longer and our benefits are rising. Thanks to a combination of viagra and Brooke Burke, that's not all that's rising.

At the same time, fewer workers will be paying into the system to support a growing number and width of retirees.

Therefore, the government is making promises it cannot keep.

Is anybody really surprised?

Still, some folks are playing down the problem, and say we can fix it later. Others are advocating that we simply remove Florida from the United States, and solve all our problems.

And I mean, all our problems.

But I like Jeb, and the fact is, if you are in your 20s, or if you have children or grandchildren in their 20s, the idea of Social Security collapsing is no small matter, and it should not be a small matter to the Congress, none of whom can even remember their 20s.

In 1983, Congress enacted what they thought was a 75-year fix to save Social Security from bankruptcy. Unfortunately, they also enacted a "take all the money from social security and give ourselves a pay-rise" clause which was stapled to the bill.

This bipartisan solution turned out to be temporary because it did not address the system's fundamental flaws.

The government cannot be trusted with your money.

We do not need a Band-Aid solution for Social Security. Especially if Bob Geldof's involved.

The American people did not place us in office to pass on problems to future generations and future Presidents and future Congresses. They placed us in office so we'd shut the hell up about John Kerry and those Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

I will work with both parties to fix Social Security permanently, or die trying.

And then if you're lucky, I'll never mention it again.

GWB

Electro - The Energy Policy!

2005-03-09T18:11:00.000-05:00

I'm here to talk about the importance of a sound national energy policy. I'm kind of guessing that sound might be a high pitched shrieking noise, then a cough, then disturbing silence.

Today, I visited a fascinating company called Battelle. Not Mattel, as I'd hoped, and so my Barbie collection remains Dreamhouseless. Still, it was a really interesting place, much better than some of the other Whitehouse excursions.

The workers there have a motto. "You break it, you brought it" - to me, it defines the entrepreneurial spirit which exists in that building. The spirit that says if you mess things up enough, you wind up owning them.

There are important problems to solve in America, but if we let them slide a bit, we could all get a piece of the pie. Or have I missed the point completely?

We have had four years of debate about a national energy bill: And now, with the Filibuster record well and truly broken, its time to get the job done.

There's a lot of talk about the might of the United States of America, and we are mighty and we are influential. Also about how modest we are. Nobody's more modest than we Americans.

But the true might of America is not the size of our military or the size of our wallet, it is the size of our...erm...hearts. If you want to serve your nation, if you want to be a part of a hopeful America, feed the hungry, find shelter for the homeless, love somebody who hurts and do other things the government should be doing for you, and together we can change America one heart and one soul and one vote at a time.

This country must be the best place in the world to do business, to make sure that people can find work. Although, Japan looks kind of fun, with all the karaoke and bowing.

In order to make sure we have a growing economy, in order to make sure people can find work, in order to make sure the entrepreneurial spirit is strong in America we need affordable, reliable, secure supplies of energy.

Not gonna happen.

Everybody who drives a car or runs a farm understands the importance of energy. Especially those who drive cars - too lazy to even walk to the shops are we? Every small business owner which dreams about expanding his or her own job base, worries about energy or being caught having sex with their secretary on the photocopier.

Families worry about energy. And higher prices at the gas pump and rising home heating bills and the possibility of blackout are legitimate concerns for all Americans who live in areas where we granted virtual monopolies. Sorry about that.

And all these uncertainties about energy supply are a drag on our economy. Not as much as two wars, financial mismanagement, high-income tax cuts and Presidential inaugurations. But a drag nonetheless.

It's hard to plan with confidence if you're not sure the lights are going to stay on. Laura and I learned that the hard way. Who knew you had to wait half and hour after taking the pills?

During my second week as President, I put together a task force to address America's energy challenges. Then I went bowling. Now, four years later, I think I'm ready to do something else.

A sound energy bill must meet four objectives: it must not piss off big-energy, not piss-off overseas oil distributors, not violate too many pollution guidelines and finally, have a catchy name.

I'm thinking of calling it Electro.

When I ran for President in 2000, I pledged to invest $2 billion over 10 years to promote research into clean coal technologies. I kept my promise. Of course, most of that money will be invested during the final two years when I'm not President.

Congress can solve these problems in a few simple ways. They could ignore it, which I'm generally in favour of.

Current law makes it optional, rather than mandatory, for power companies to ensure reliability across the electricity grid. That's pretty stupid, and was equally silly when I originally created it.

And as we grow our economy -- and it's growing -- and as we improve our energy supply, and you just heard a comprehensive strategy to do so, we'll also improve the environment. Too many people in Washington and around our country seem to think we have to pick between energy production and environmental protection, between environmental protection and growing our economy. I think that's a false choice.

We chose energy production a long time ago.

And there's no doubt in my mind, we can leave behind a better America for a crappier America of the future.

No doubt in my mind, we can become less dependent on foreign sources of energy, which is why Iran and North Korea don't need to build nuclear reactors. We're not buying.

There's no doubt in my mind, we can lead better lives through the use of new innovative technology. Like Tivo.

Gotta love Tivo.

GWB

EPA Idol

2005-03-04T14:50:00.000-05:00

I am pleased to announce my nomination of Stephen Johnson to be the Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency. Idol.

I know Simon and Paula are not so in favour of him, but I think the kid has talent.

Steve Johnson is a talented scientist, a skilled manager and a mediocre trombonist with a lifelong commitment to environmental stewardship and tromboning.

He has 24 years of experience at the EPA, 22 of them as an employee and two when he got stuck in an elevator during a courier delivery.

Since late January, he has served as Acting Administrator, during which he has helped adminstrate employees during their performance of The Importance of Being Earnest.

He knows the EPA from the ground up to the third floor, and then from the fifth floor and above. And he has a passion for its mission -- to protect the health of our citizens, guarantee the quality of our air, water, and land and create a race of superhumans with which to counter the attack of the Killer Tomatoes.

I've come to know Steve as an innovative problem-solver with good judgment, complete integrity, and a wicked right hook.

When confirmed by the Senate, Steve will also become the first professional scientist to lead the EPA, which shows how bad we've been at appointing them in the past. I mean, Reagan appointed his goldfish for a few months until someone called a press conference. And it only changed then because the goldfish's comments didn't reflect party lines.

Steve will use that background to set clear, rational standards for environmental quality, and to place sound scientific analysis at the heart of all major decisions not involving large amounts of money from campaign contributors.

Steve shares my conviction that we can improve the Earth while maintaining a vibrant and competitive economy. Also my conviction for drink-driving during the late 70s.

He will work cooperatively with leaders in government, industry, and environmental advocacy to continue using our resources wisely and quickly, before they all run out.

He will listen to those living closest to the land -- Ants -- because they know our environmental needs best.

All Americans are benefitting from the EPA's practical approach, emphasis on results and stash of "medicinal" marijuana, and Steve will build on that stash.

His immediate task is to work with Congress to pass my Clear Skies Initiative. This innovative legislation will encourage all Americans to sing "Grey skies are going to clear up!" in the hope that at least part of it becomes true.

The bill will give governors the flexibility they need to meet strict new air quality standards, improve public health, and perform large scale musical numbers through mandatory dance training.

Steve will also bring valuable experience that will help us improve our homeland security. In his new role, Steve will lead federal efforts to ensure the security of our drinking water supply, by bottling it only from natural springs high in the Rockies.

As he embarks on all these duties, Steve has the trust and admiration of his longtime colleagues, the thousands of hardworking EPA employees across the country, and gay men's magazine Stud.

I look forward to welcoming Steve Johnson to my Cabinet as America's 11th dministrator of the Environmental Protection Agency Idol.

Put on a Happy Face,

GWB

Intel inside

2005-03-03T20:52:00.000-05:00

It was such a pleasure to come out and see hundreds of folks who work here at the Central Intelligence Agency. And no doubt not see the hundreds more who were spying on me via a sattelite or that secret bugging device they planted inside Ari Fleicher's brain.

I came for a couple of reasons.

One, I want you people to stop spying me while I'm in the shower. For a start, it's cold in there, and therefore you don't get an accurate picture of the full scale of things. Also, my Elvis impression doesn't really translate well to such a small space.

The second thing was to explain that the reforms that we'll be implementing will actually help the CIA do its job better. Because you guys kind of suck when it comes to non-President perving activities.

We're making progress in the war on terror. The world is changing. It's getting big, and green. You wouldn't like it when its angry.

And this country of ours will continue to do our duty, which is to find terrorists, bring them to justice through good intelligence, detain them without charge, and eventually release them when it turns out they're not terrorists, just guys with beards.

Bin Laden had a beard. And Saddam had a moustache. I can see how easy that mistake would be.

I don't want there to be any interruption of intelligence coming to the White House, and there won't be. I also don't want there being any interruption to the pizzas coming to the White House, but I've got a feeling Laura and Doctor Atkins might disagree.

Porter Goss comes every morning with the CIA briefer to deliver the briefing. Well, actually, he comes every morning with the Washington Times. On his bike. Or is that someone else?

But one of the purposes of the whole process is to make sure that information flows are smooth and that efforts are coordinated. That means we all have to decide on one seach engine. I'm advocating Ask Jeeves.

Obviously, one of the reasons I came here is because I know there's some uncertainty about what this reform means to the people of the CIA.

What it probably means is we might have to get rid of the C. Or maybe add an A to the front, so it can be A Central Intelligence Agency, rather than The Central Intelligence Agency.

These reforms are a good thing. They're going to change the way our intelligence works. They're going to involve greater cooperation, and greater oversight.

And less perving on the President in the shower.

GWB

Ball games

2005-03-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

We're really glad you're here. There's been a lot of people in this town waiting for this day to come. Some have said it would be a cold day in hell when the Red Sox made it here. Other said it would be a cold day here when the Red Sox made it into hell.

I am honored to welcome the world champs, the mighty Boston Red Sox, to the White House.

I want to welcome the members of the Massachusetts delegation who are here.

I know that Senator Kennedy is here because he keeps standing up on his chair and yelling "Kennedy in the House!". Senator Kerry is probably on his way, although I have my doubts after those Red Sox Veterans for truth ads.

You all are welcome here. I appreciate the Commissioner coming, and bringing the dips. And, Bob, it's good to see you. Have you lost weight? I thank the members of my Cabinet who are here. Have you put on weight?

I want to thank and welcome my friend, Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino. I'm sorry John Henry is sick. You know, Lucchino, I knew you'd amount to something eventually. Despite that thing on the internet with all the raspberries and the French guy.

I appreciate the way this team played baseball. Slow and boring, just like me.

You know, it took a lot of guts and it took a lot of hair. Just like me.

I'll never forget calling Terry Francona after the team won the championship, and he -- the only thing I remember him saying was -- no, I'm quite happy with my long-distance carrier.

I appreciate the fact that Dom DiMaggio and Jimmy Piersall are with us. Previously, they were against us, and we had pretty much no chance. You guys represent a lot of great Boston Red Sox players that a lot of us grew up watching play, as well as a few of the shit ones we threw fruit at.

You're welcome here in the White House, and you're representing a great tradition of wonderful folks meeting mediocre Presidents.

You know, the last time the Red Sox were here, Woodrow Wilson lived here. Of course, he still does in some respects, both as a ghost and a reincarnated fruit tree out the back.

There were only 16 teams in baseball then, and five of them were from Cincinatti.

After the World Series victory in 1918, a reporter from Boston said, "The luckiest baseball spot on Earth is Boston, for it has never lost a World Series, and it gets three chicks at once." That's one optimistic writer.

Whew, three chicks!

No one really expected the answer to the curse of the Bambino would come from a group of players that call themselves "idiots," except for maybe idiots who don't understand baseball.

And one of those idiots went on to become President of the United States.

This is a heck of a team. This is a team that came together from South Korea and Dominican Republic, from Anchorage, Alaska, Fort Riley, Kansas, North Korea, Iraq and Iran. No, wait, that's the Axis of Evil. Damn Alaskans.

I love the way this team played, and so do baseball fans.

I mean, this is a team that won eight games in a row when it wasn't supposed to, which kind of threw of our whole match-fixing scandal we were working on.

It's kind of courage, and a couple of stitches, especially when you consider that "our friends" don't take to kindly to people who don't lay down when they're supposed to.

You answered 86 years of prayer. About the baseball thing, if not the three chicks at once thing, anyway.

That's an amazing feat, isn't it?

I mean, when the Red Sox won, people all over the world cheered. They cheered in New England, and they cheered in Baghdad, Iraq. One guy said -- from Boston -- he said, "Now we just have to wait for the other six signs of the apocalypse."

Then it rained frogs.

I really appreciate what Boston does off the field, too. It stays in Massachussets and leaves us alone.

The Jimmy Fund is a classic example of a sports franchise giving something back to the community in which they play. And not a spy like I originally thought.

Fund, Jimmy Fund.

You created the Red Sox Scholars, which awards scholarships to disadvantaged fifth graders. Which, if you think about it, is robbing us of teams of future baseball players. So, it's a double-edged sword.

But most of all, our purpose here is to welcome champs. We wish you all the best in the upcoming season. We know that you've been able to do what has been viewed to be the impossible.

Make baseball interesting,

GWB

Moscow Circus

2005-02-25T00:30:00.000-05:00

I've just had a very important and constructive dialogue with my friend.

And that's not a euphamism.

I know Laura was pleased to see Lyudmila Putin, as well.

That one might be.

We have had, over the past four years, very constructive relations, and that's the way I'm going to keep it for the next four years, as well.

I'm pretty sure this one is.

We've had an open and candid exchange of views and positions.

Okay, now it's just getting ridiculous.

On with the show - in our meeting earlier I said, "Vladimir, when we get in here I think people are going to be very interested in this press conference, for some reason, I'm not sure why." He told me it was because I wasn't wearing any pants. But I countered that it was because he, in fact, was. But you can see we've drawn quite a crowd here.

We produced a lot of positive results at this meeting, and thankfully not one of them on a pregnancy test. We agreed to accelerate our work to protect nuclear weapons and material, both in our two nations and around the world. Apparently, nuclear weapons are highly explosive, so they need to be protected.

We agreed upon new efforts to fight the war on terror, to combat MANPADS and improvised explosive devices. There was some initial confusion over what MANPADS were, until I pointed out their benefits in keeping you dry and comfortable all day. Then Vlad pointed out they were shoulder mounted missiles.

Whatever - they're still pretty comfortable.

Vladimir has been a -- ever since the -- September the 11th, he has clearly understood the stakes that we face. Possibly because with a name like Vladimir, he's probably had more than a few stakes waved at him by angry mobs or Presidents who've watched one too many episodes of Buffy.

And every time we meet, we have an interesting and constructive strategy session about how to continue to protect our peoples from attack. He has confronted some serious attacks in his country. Some with stakes, a few with sunlight, and there was that one time with the garlic. Now, if only I could get one of those big guns from Van Helsing.

We agreed that Iran should not have a nuclear weapon. At least, not until it finishes its dinner. And that means all the greens. We gave Iran that trampoline for Christmas and they barely use it.

We agreed that North Korea should not have a nuclear weapon. It's too young, and until it can be trusted to be home by 11 on the weekends, it's just not ready for that responsibility. I don't care if India and Pakistan have them. Honestly, if India and Pakistan engaged in a full-scale nuclear war leading to the end of civilisation as we know it, would you follow them?

We agreed to accelerate negotiations for Russia's entry into the World Trade Organisation. And the World Wrestling Federation. Possibly at the same time, in some sort of Tag-Team Battle Royal.

We agreed to work together to find peace in the Middle East. I suggested maybe we'd find it in Jordan, but Vladimir reckons its in Qatar. I guess we'll split up, then.

This meeting also gave me an opportunity to share my belief that it's in my country's interest that Russia be a strong and viable partner with the United States. Which, you'll notice is what I've said about most countries on this tour so far.

That's okay, America can have heaps of partners. We're young and we're playing the field. Don't worry about it baby, we're always careful.

It's very important that we establish not only a working relationship, but that we understand that in the 21st century, damn dirty apes will rule a world populated by aliens and robots.

And so we talked about democracy. Democracies always reflect a country's customs and culture, and I know that. But democracies have certain things in common: Corruption, big business influencing electoral results, voter apathy.

Russia has made tremendous progress over the last 15 years. It's an amazing transformation of the nation, akin to the way in which Optimus Prime changes from the truck into the robot. Not quite as impressive as some of the ones on Beast Wars, but that takes time and CGI.

And it's been hard work. I reaffirmed my belief that it is democracy and freedom that bring true security and prosperity in every land. Except Iraq, where is seems likely to bring continued chaos. But we can hardly be blamed for that, now can we?

We may not always agree with each other, and we haven't over the last four years -- Sean Connery was so much better than Roger Moore -- but we found a lot agreement on Goldfinger as the best villain, and the world is better for it.

Even though we didn't agree on certain issues - I kind of like Brosnan, but Vlad thought Goldeneye was a piece of crap - if you really think about what we have done the last four years, and what we want to do during the next four years, and the prospect of Hugh Jackman or Jude Law in the role, the common ground is a lot more than those areas where we disagree.

And by working together, this world will be a safer, freer and more prosperous place.

And shaken, not stirred.

GWB

European, I'm a-pee-n', we're all a -pee-n'

2005-02-24T02:00:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the intermittent blogging. I'm in a different time-zone. It's like Time Tunnel, but without the roll-necks.

The European Union? Does that mean y'all get to go on strike?

It's an honor to be here. I appreciate the invitation. Especially the little clip-art race-car. That was so cool.

You called an extraordinary meeting, and I'm honored you did so. I would have preferred if it was a Fantastic meeting, but I understand there were copyright issues.

My first trip after my inauguration was to Europe, and that's the way it should be, because Europe and the United States are close friends. Actually, my first trip was to the bathroom, to "shake hands with the President".

In my talk to the leaders in the room, I started by saying this: "Hi, I'm the President of the United States. Can I buy you a drink?" It's a pick-up line that's served me well for many years - ironically even before I became President.

There should be no doubt in your mind that my government and the United States wants the European project to succeed. It's in our interests that Europe be strong. Except in the international Robot Wars competition, where we are so going to kick your guys' ass.

It's in our interests that the European Union work out whatever differences there are and become a continued, viable, strong partner. Either that, or our relationship will end up being just a bit too S&M. You guys would be the S.

It's in our interests because the values that caused the European Union to exist in the first place -- geographical closeness, a desire for leaders to put their own heads on coins, a need for improved drug-trade unrestricted by national borders -- are the same values we share.

And we have an opportunity to work together to spread those values.

We talked about Iraq, and I appreciate the contributions and the new suggestion. It came a little too late, but yes, on reflection, it would have been better to wait until we had solid evidence. Honestly, everyone's a Monday-morning Quarterback.

We talked about how hopeful the Middle Eastern peace situation looks. We used the words "Not very" quite a bit. And I told the leaders that my government will be very much involved in the process. Possibly by covertly providing weapons to one of the sides. Not telling you which one.

We talked about aid, the need to work together to fight disease, like HIV/AIDS, which we are doing and will continue to do. Some of us on a microbiological scale through this amazing shrinking ray the Russian are apparently working on. Or was that just a thing in a movie?

I brought up global warming. Literally after I sampled some of the local delicacies and had a methane attack.

I said that the Kyoto debate is beyond us, as far as I'm concerned; now is the time to focus on our abilities and research and capacity to develop technologies to make the air cleaner. Like air-fresheners. Shaped like trees. It's going to be huge, I'm telling you.

I appreciate so very much the hospitality of the leaders, and I'm anxious to continue our dialogue after this press conference.

Particularly the dialogue from Pulp Fiction.

Do you know what they call a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese in France?

(Put your hand down, Chirac)

GWB

Sex, Drugs and Audio Tape

2005-02-20T15:09:00.000-05:00

Doug Wead (or as we used to call him, Wead the Head) secretly taped me. And not in the good way like that time when he taped himself with those twins, and they were all completely na...where was I?

Anyway, these tapes clearly demonstrate that I'm a much better public speaker than Osama Bin Laden, who can't even be bothered getting a translator in.

So here we have it - a blog from the past - from the days when I was blogging before it was popular, and also pretending to be President before it was popular.

Like the one where I'm talking about my rivals - "John McCain will wear thin", says the tape. Of course, it cuts off before I get to finish - John McCain will wear thin lapels, which are completely out of fashion.

John Ashcroft would be a "very good Supreme Court pick" (actually, I don't remember saying the word "court", and I'm pretty sure I meant "prick").

They also talk about that time when I smoke weed (not the one where I smoked Wead - that's a different sort of tape. Like the one with that nurse whose skirt was too...but I disgress.)

I was having casual conversations with someone I believed was my friend.

Like talking about meeting Christian leaders - "there are some code words. There are some proper ways to say things, and some improper ways." Like nuclear, which nobody but me seems to be able to pronounce.

"I am going to say that I've accepted Christ into my life. And that's a true statement." But I meant Juan Christ, my Mexican gardener.

I was also worried they won't like my refusal "to kick gays." Now, I'm sorry, but I have weak knees, and uncanny arm strength.

I'm also confident people will look back on these tapes without any worries. It's just, you know, wild behaviour. Like that time with those two female sailors on "shore leave" who kept making us scrub the...

Of course, back then, I was worried allegations of cocaine use would surface in the campaign - "If nobody shows up, there's no story and if somebody shows up, it is going to be made up," I said. Of course, I later used that same approach when presenting the case for Iraq.

"I haven't denied anything."

I wouldn't answer the marijuana questions. You know why? Not because I don't want some little kid doing what I tried. But because that shit fucks up your brain, and I couldn't remember if I ever took it or not.

Baby boomers have got to grow up and say, yeah, I may have done drugs, but instead of admitting it, say to kids, don't take the red acid.

It's me versus the world. The good news is, the world is on my side. Or more than half of it. In reality, it's a lot like professional wrestling. Or that time with the jello and those two cheerleaders from...

There was other stuff in there. Political stuff, which nobody, least of all me, cares about.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a cold shower.

Possibly with three or four cute interns.

Or maybe Wead the Head,

GWB

Al Gonzales - Attorney-General to the Stars

2005-02-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

Laura and I are pleased to be here with Al Gonzales, his wife Becky, and their wonderful family, except for that weird cousin who eats people's hats. What? That wasn't you guys? Then who ate my hat?

Thank you all for coming. I turned to Al and said, "It seems like they're cheering pretty loud." He said, "Most of them work for me now." And then I told him about how once upon a time there were three very different little girls who grew up to be three very different women with three things in common: they're brilliant, they're beautiful, and they work for me.

I called them Bush's Angels. But I-N-S called them illegal aliens.

Anyway, Al has been a close advisor, an honorable public servant, a dear friend and a surprisingly flexible twister-player.

As Attorney General Gonzales begins his service, he will build on the outstanding work of Attorney General John Ashcroft. Musically, in any case, as Al plays a mean harmonophone. In terms of the Department itself, he'll be shovelling shit uphill.

Over the past four years, Attorney General Ashcroft has started the Department of Justice on the right course in the war on terror. Downhill, and fast.

After all, who needs a department to protect human rights when you're trying to abolish them.

John Ashcroft has worked tirelessly to make our nation safer, more just, and less gay, and America is thankful for your lifetime of service. And at least this time you lost your job to a guy who was alive.

Attorney General Gonzales now joins every employee at the Department of Justice in an urgent mission to protect the United States from another terrorist attack. Except Cathy in the mail-room, who'll pretty much still be handling photocopying and coffee-orders.

Few periods in our history have demanded so much of this department. Certainly not during the Cretaceous period, when the first ceratopsian and pachycepalosaurid dinosaurs appeared. Although these gargantuan beasts wreaked damage across the world before their eventual extinction, there were surprisingly few arrests.

The men and women of this department are meeting your duty every day -- from your headquarters in Washington to U.S. Attorneys offices across the country, to dangerous posts overseas, to Dunkin' Donuts. You've reorganized your resources to confront the threats of this new war and that guy in accounts with the B.O. who keeps hitting on you.

You've devised effective methods to investigate and prosecute terrorists and innocent muslims who look like terrorists. Some of you have volunteered for demanding new duties in complex areas such as intelligence, counterterrorism and monitoring the internet for posts with the word "bomb".

And in return, we must provide you all the tools you need to do your job. Like 2B pencils - the king of pencils. And a variety of selections of paper.

Also the Patriot Act, which has been vital to our success in tracking terrorists and disrupting their plans. And covering up all sorts of dodgy shit that pretty much allows us to perv on whoever we want.

Many key elements of the Patriot Act are now set to expire at the end of this year, as is our collective membership to NetFlix. So whoever borrowed Gigli had better return it so I can finally watch BioDome. That Pauly Shore, he cracks me up.

Your mission to ensure equal justice for every American extends far beyond the war on terror. Of course, as I said earlier, you're all focused on that (except Cathy) which means stuff like prosecuting gun criminals and drug dealers and making neighborhoods has fallen by the wayside.

By holding corporate wrongdoers to account, you build confidence in our economy. Hence the oncoming recession.

As we strive to provide equal justice, we must ensure that Americans of all races and backgrounds trust the legal system. Particularly rich white guys, who spend much less time in court than those of other backgrounds.

By spreading the use of DNA analysis, we can solve more crimes, lock up more criminals, and solve most of the crimes on CSI, CSI:Miami and CSI:New York. So I've asked Congress for more than a billion dollars over five years to expand this vital technology and television franchise.

To maintain confidence in the legal system, we must ensure that judges faithfully interpret the law, not legislate from the bench. Benches are for sitting or sleeping if you're homeles, not for legislating. Nobody wants a homeless guy making laws.

As he embarks on all these duties, Attorney General Gonzales has my complete confidence and bank details. From his early days of selling soda at Rice University football games, to his time selling soda in the Air Force, to his distinguished legal career and soda selling on the White House staff, Al has been a model of courage, character and soda sales to his fellow citizens.

I've witnessed his integrity, his decency, and some other things I'd rather not mention. Now he will advance that cause as the Attorney General to the Stars and ensure that more Americans have the opportunity to achieve their dreams.

Or buy a soda.

GWB

Iraq the Vote!

2005-02-13T20:40:00.000-05:00

I congratulate the Iraqi people for defying terrorist threats, statistical probablities and the difficulties of washing off indelible ink to set their country on the path of democracy and freedom.

Most likely followed by the collapse of said democracy and said freedom and the placing of their country on the road to shit.

The Baghdad Electoral Commission announced the results, showing just how primitive conditions were under Saddam Hussein. Even under the previous elections in which Saddam was the only candidate, Al-Jazeera still had the result listed as too close to call.

The measure of a true democracy is how willing their networks are to call the result based on exit-polls alone.

Of course, everyone knows the true measure of a democracy is 6 foot 3. You can't vote and be short. It's practically un-American.

So, a Shi'ite Islamist bloc known as the United Iraqi Alliance won the election with about 48 percent of the vote, proving yet again to all you whinging Democrats that 48 percent is a majority.

And I congratulate every candidate who stood for election and those who will take office once the results are certified. And those who'll slip through the certification process because their families have economic ties to US oil companies.

Two weeks ago, more than 8 million Iraqis defied terrorists and went to the polls. Over seven million defied expectations and came home again.

The world saw long lines of Iraqi men and women voting in a free and fair election for the first time in their lives. We also saw them standing in long-lines to watch "The Incredibles", and in short lines to watch "Elektra".

Man, that Jennifer Garner's hot.

The United States and our coalition partners can all take pride in our role in making that possible.

And I'm no longer sure whethere I'm talking about Iraq or Jennifer Garner.

Which, in some ways, is true of us all,

GWB

Not nearly enough Polish jokes

2005-02-09T17:32:00.000-05:00

Welcome President Kwasn...Kwanza....President K.

It is my great pleasure to welcome my friend back here to discuss important international policy, policy related to our bilateral relationship and Desperate Housewives.

We discussed, and will continue to discuss, very important issues, like who's hotter - Teri Hatcher or the chick who used to be on Melrose.

We'll talk about, of course, Iraq and our mutual desire to avoid questions about it. We'll talk about my trip to Europe, and how to smuggle drugs through Heathrow. I'm looking forward to advice from my friend.

We'll continue to discuss the Ukraine, with him insisting its a country, and me insisting its a mildly spiced ham dish.

And let me just step back and say that I'm impressed by the leadership of President K when it came to the Ukraine. He took charge in that kitchen in a way that would even make Iron Chef Chinese tremble.

We'll spend time continuing to talk about the importance of our bilateral relationship, after clearing up the initial confusion between bilateral and bisexual. Hey, President K's an attractive man, but the only place I swing is in congress.

We'll discuss the ability of Polish folks to travel to the United States of America, and consider whether it might be worth getting rid of the screen door submarines (you knew that one was coming). The visa policy of the country has been under review for a while, and now we've got a way forward to make trips to America easier for Polish citizens because we're running out of Polish sausages.

I want to thank you for your leadership on that issue, Mr. Prime Minister. I mean, Mr. President. Excuse me. I demoted him. Well, it's not a demotion. It's a lateral transfer. Anyway, thanks Mr Head Honcho.

We've got a way forward to answer the questions of a lot of the members of the United States Congress to get this visa issue solved. Some of them like American Express. A few like Diners Club. But if Visa's good enough for the robot guy from Alien, it's good enough for me.

And the President has been very -- hard at work in helping develop a road map that is fair to the Polish people. It's in Polish for a start.

And I adopt the principles and accept the recommendations of the road map, and that will become the basis for legislation and my road trip to Warsaw.

We, President K and I, we talked about military relations. Or as I like to call them, mil-to-mil relations. He's been very forthright and very clear, or as I like to call it, a stubborn asshole.
I inted- I say "intend" because our system is one where I make requests from people who wouldn't have a job without my intentions to make requests. But we'll try and chuck Poland a couple of bucks to ensure that you can no longer stop the mounted Polish army just by turning off the carousel.

Listen, Poland has been a fantastic ally, because the President and the people of Poland love freedom. Almost as much as they love Polish sausage. And who doesn't love Polish sausage? I mean, I was just telling President K about that, which is how we ended up in our discussion of bilateralism.

So, Mr. President K, welcome. Thanks for coming. I value our friendship.

So much so, I hearby dub you Special K.

How do you keep a Polish President in suspense?

GWB

The State of the Onion

2005-02-03T16:46:00.000-05:00

As a new Congress gathers, all of us in the elected branches of government share a great privilege: free parking on Tuesdays, and a free upsize of a coke at Dennys. I know this isn't the strongest start, but I only just found out about the coke thing.

We've also been placed in office by the votes of the people we serve, and some shonky behind the scenes dealing with big business and the CIA. And tonight that is a privilege we share with newly-elected leaders of Afghanistan, the Palestinian Territories, Ukraine, and a free and sovereign Iraq.

Two weeks ago, I stood on the steps of this Capitol and whizzed right the way down to the second bottom step. I was sloshed after earlier renewing the commitment of our nation to the guiding ideal of liberty for all, and my Blockbuster membership, which had lapsed after I didn't return "Wild Things 2" because my VCR chewed it up. Honestly.

Tonight, the state of our union is confident and strong. And that state is: Nebraska.

Nebraska couldn't be here to accept this award, so I'll take it on their behalf.

Our generation has been blessed, and by our generation I mean, people like me, who are getting towards 60, and will probably be dead by the time the fallout from my leadership is truly felt.

Now, as we see a little gray in the mirror -- or a lot of gray -- or a guy with a camera taking pictures of our naked butts -- and we watch our children moving into adulthood and dodgy apartments, we ask the question: What happened to us - we used to be cool?

What will be the state of our children's union? Kansas? Illinois? Or, god forbid, New Jersey?

The choices we make together will answer that question.

Over the next several months, on issue after issue, let us do what Americans have always done and complain about stuff, and shoot each other.

America's economy is the fastest growing of any major industrialized nation, primarily because we've started making notes out of ultra-absorbent sponges. When action was needed, the Congress delivered -- and if it wasn't there in 30 minutes, it was free.

By making our economy more flexible, more innovative, more competitive, and more sponge-like, we will keep America the economic leader of the world, except for China.

My budget substantially reduces or eliminates more than 150 government programs that are not getting results, such as the war in Iraq, or duplicate current efforts, such as the war in Afghanistan.

Under the No Child Left Behind Act, we've made sure primary teachers count their kids on field trips before the bus departs. Now we must demand better results from our high schools, so every high school diploma is a ticket to success, or at least back to school from the box factory.

And we'll make it easier for Americans to afford a college education, by offering real diplomas and degrees through those online spam sites.

To make our economy stronger and more productive, we must make health care more affordable, and give families greater access to good coverage. To do that, I plan to allow any schmo with a scalpel and a stethoscope to practice medicine. Hey, the call it practice for a reason.

To keep our economy growing, we also need reliable supplies of affordable, environmentally responsible energy. And since I refuse to believe in global warming, I say we stick with fossil fuels, and possibly nuclear energy, which I hear is a great cover-story for weapons programs.

My Clear Skies legislation will cut power plant pollution and improve the health of our citizens, by putting a big glass dome over the whole country.

Year after year, Americans are burdened by an archaic, incoherent federal tax code and an equally archaic and incoherent Vice-President. I've appointed a bipartisan panel to examine the tax code from top to bottom, and another to do likewise to Dick Cheny. And when their recommendations are delivered, you and I will work together to give this nation a tax code and Vice-President that is pro-growth, easy to understand, and fair to all.

America's immigration system is also outdated -- we no longer need Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Now we need guys who are willing to operate 7-11s and clean our toilets.

Social Security was a great moral success of the 20th century, and we must honor its great purposes in this new century. Honor it as we bury it. Because it's crap and costing the government money.

Our society has changed in ways the founders of Social Security could not have foreseen. It's gotten stingy, and we can't put the money we keep taking out back in. So we're going to give it to you, and screw you out of tax for it.

Fixing Social Security permanently will require an open, candid review of the options. Some have suggested limiting benefits for wealthy retirees. Obviously not wealthy themselves. During the 1990s, my predecessor, President Clinton, spoke of increasing the retirement age, and of lowering the age of consent. Former Senator John Breaux suggested discouraging early collection of Social Security benefits by holding them up really high and saying "Keep Away." The late Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan recommended changing the way benefits are calculated, so that he received a cut.

All these ideas are on the table.

I will listen to anyone who has a good idea to offer. Then I'll claim it as my own.

The goal here is greater security in retirement, so we will set careful guidelines for personal accounts. We'll make sure the money can only go into a conservative mix of bonds and stock funds, so we don't end up with poor people getting rich. We'll make sure that your earnings are not eaten up by hidden Wall Street fees by publicising which ones will eat them up. We'll make sure a personal account cannot be emptied out all at once, but rather paid out over time, so that you won't get it all before you die.

Our second great responsibility to our children and grandchildren is to honor and to pass along the values that sustain a free society, along with any baseball cards which might be worth something some day. So many of my generation, after a long journey, have come home to family and faith and Tivoed episodes of the Golden Girls, and are determined to bring up responsible, moral children. They're either failing, or their kids are uptight arrogant pricks, but at least their trying.

Because marriage is a sacred institution between man and woman, or man and car as a publicity stunt, it should not be re-defined by activist judges. For the good of families, children, society, and Christian conservative stuck in loveless relationships who don't want anyone else to be happy, I support a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.

Because a society is measured by how it treats the weak and vulnerable, we must get rid of them.

I will work with Congress to ensure that human embryos are not created for experimentation or grown for body parts, or used in a sequel to Arnie's The Sixth Day, and that human life is never bought and sold as a commodity, unless its cheap migrant labour, which we discussed earlier.

America will continue to lead the world in medical research that is ambitious, aggressive, and always ethical. Not neccessarily accurate or useful, though.

Because one of the deepest values of our country is compassion, we must never turn away from any citizen who feels isolated from the opportunities of America. I'm sorry I haven't called in a while, Larry, but I've been real busy. If you're free Wednesday, we can play squash.

Tonight I propose a three-year initiative to help organizations keep young people out of gangs, and show young men an ideal of manhood that respects women and rejects violence. I plan to do this by officially banning rap-music.

Because one of the main sources of our national unity is our belief in equal justice, we need to make sure Americans of all races and backgrounds have confidence in the system that provides justice. And so I've asked for more episodes of Judge Judy to be commissioned.

Our third responsibility to future generations is to leave them an America that is safe from danger, and protected by peace, and big fuck-off lasers orbiting the planet.

In the three and a half years since September the 11th, 2001, we've created a new department of government to colour code our terror alert level, focused the FBI on preventing terrorism rather than stalking hot chicks for members of congress, begun to reform our intelligence agencies to make them intelligent, broken up terror cells across the country into smaller, harder to detect terror cells, trained more than a half-million first responders and basically eliminated human rights.

Our nation, working with allies and friends and pissing off former allies and friends, has also confronted the enemy abroad. The al Qaeda terror network that attacked our country still has leaders -- primarily because we have done crap all to hunt them down.

There are still governments that sponsor and harbor terrorists -- but their number has declined since we stopped doing it.

There are still regimes seeking weapons of mass destruction -- but we've still got more.

During this time of war, we must continue to support our military and give them the tools for victory. It would help if those tools were bullet-proof, but I understand that's expensive.

In the long-term, the peace we seek will only be achieved by eliminating the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder. I guess we should probably invade Texas.

The only force powerful enough to stop the rise of tyranny and terror, and replace hatred with hope, is the force of human freedom and big, fuck-off lasers in space.

Lasers in space, people.

The United States has no right, no desire, and no intention to impose our form of government on anyone else. Our actual government, yes, but our form of government? No.
That is one of the main differences between us and our enemies. The others are that they all have odd-names and an actual reason for fighting.

The following section, detailing events in Iraq, Iran and Syria, has been removed in order that I not be quoted on it later when the whole thing blows up in our faces.

Americans recognize that spirit of liberty, because we share it. We've got a friggin' statue for god's sake.

Right now, Americans in uniform are serving at posts across the world, often taking great risks on my orders, which often call for them to stand their waving and saying "You can't hit me". I'm a real bastard sometimes.

The volunteers of our military are unrelenting in battle, unwavering in loyalty, unmatched in honor and decency, and unaware of any abuse of Iraqi prisoners.

Some of our servicemen and women have survived terrible injuries, while others we made up that they had as a publicity stunt.

In these four years, Americans have seen the unfolding of large events and large maps in an effort to find out where the hell Baghdad actually is.

We have known times of sorrow, and hours of uncertainty, and days of victory, all contained within the finale for Survivor.

As Franklin Roosevelt once reminded Americans, "You should always wash your hands after slicing chillies, particularly if you're planning on having sex.

We live in the country where the biggest dreams are born.

The abolition of slavery was only a dream -- until it was fulfilled.

The liberation of Europe from fascism was only a dream -- until it was achieved.

That one about arriving at Congress wearing only my underwear was only a dream -- until today.

The road of Providence is uneven and unpredictable -- yet we know where it leads: Nebraska.

GWB

Hoop dreams

2005-02-01T19:55:00.000-05:00

What an honor it is to welcome the mighty Detroit Pistons to the White House.

With all the fans here and the players, I guess you'd expect to hear somebody ringing the gong. That'll happen later when I come out and do my unamusing and ill-timed impression of Johnny Carson.

I love to welcome champs to the people's home. Make yourself at home. Put your feet up. But keep your pants on.

I'm proud to be sharing the stage with Coach Larry Brown. The guy must know what he's doing, you know? He's NCAA champs with the Kansas Jayhawks and now is a professional basketball coach that won the NBA crown. Plus, he dances the hustle like nobody else alive.

Bill Davidson. I've known Bill Davidson in the past, in a long, hot mysterious summer we will only call "The Summer of Love." He is a true gentleman, a great civic leader in the Detroit area, and suprisingly attractive in a thong.

Oscar Feldman, part owner of the Pistons is with us. And if you're not with us, you're against us.

Joe Dumars and Bill Laimbeer, both of them came to the White House as champs and later, during a Halloween party, as chimps. As I recall, you came here in '89 and '90 -- I'm aware of who was living here then. Abraham Lincoln.

Welcome. I hope you've gotten a tour of this majestic place, although I understand they're generally only reserved for school groups and veterans. Maybe we need more wars so people can do the Whitehouse tour. God knows we're not building anymore schools.

I want to congratulate Chauncey Billups for being the NBA Championship Series MVP. Sounds like you'll make quite the car. So nobody expected you to win -- I know how you feel. You won because you put a team together. Just like I did. You had people willing to serve something greater than yourself, just like I did. You had your brother rig the voting in your favour. Or was that just me?

I guess you kind of just played it the right way. I think that's what the coach says, play it the right way. I know it sounds like a metaphor for heterosexual relationships, but that's how we should live life. That's what champs do. They set an example. Or take lots of steroids and get away with it because their managers payed someone off.

A lot of kids look at you. Not up to you, because these days, what with all the chemicals and shit in the soil, we're breeding a generation of super-freaky tall people. Which bodes well for the future of basketball. They see you as the big star, often literally if they're wacked out on PCP.

They wonder what life should be like, and every time you set an example for a kid, you're helping save a life or describe a complex algebra equation more simply. And I want to thank you for the extent that you do that.

I also appreciate the fact that you've been involved in great causes like teaching children how to read. I can't think of a more important cause than lending a gift of knowledge to a child. Not giving - lending. After all, us adults need all our knowledge. I leant mine to some kid in Wyoming, and I haven't been able to track him down since.

I remember the time in Houston, Texas, when a woman walked up to me and she said, reading is the new civil right. And I said "Security, get this woman out of here."
I thought that was such a powerful phrase.

I want to thank you for setting an example for the tsunami relief effort. Because god knows we, as a government, didn't. I suspect basketball players probably have a little more pull than others, but hell, if it doesn't interfere with their performance, what goes on in the locker room stays in the locker room.

And by the way, I also want to thank you for providing entertainment for our troops overseas. And by entertainment, I mean in the form of video recordings of your matches, which I understand have also been used to bullet-proof some vehicles.

So thank you for what you're doing, supporting those who have helped make this world a more peaceful and free place.

By playing basketball and being from Detroit.

Now come here and show me your ball-handling skills,

GWB

Vote or be voted

2005-01-30T06:59:00.000-05:00

The world has witnessed a turning point in the history of Iraq. They got to tick a box, vote for the guy with the cooler moustache, perform a milestone in the advance of freedom, and win me big PR props back home. Kick-ass!

The Iraqi people have made their way to polling centers across their nation, often piled into the back of vans in an Arabic version of the movie "Road-trip", complete with Tom Green who was there for some reason.

On the national ballot alone, voters have chosen from nearly 19,000 candidates, nearly all of whom have moustaches or are attempting to acquire moustaches.

This historic event has been be overseen by the Independent Election Commission of Iraq, and will mark the first genuine, nationwide elections in generations. Not just in Iraq, but, based on the results here in 2000, anywhere in the world.

The terrorists and those who benefited from the tyranny of Saddam Hussein (notice how I cleverly linked the two without actually claiming they were linked) know that free elections will expose the emptiness of their vision for Iraq, and their lack of preparedness to have barbeques and cake stalls at schools across the troubled nation.

The terrorist Zarqawi -- who ordered many of the car bombings and beheadings in Iraq, along with a Quattro Stagioni with extra cheese -- recently acknowledged the threat that democracy poses to his cult of hatred. He denounced as infidels all who seek to exercise their right to vote as free human beings. Everyone knows their not infidels - they're democrat voters from Florida.

Yet in the face of this intimidation, the Iraqi people are standing firm. Or at least going "I'm shaking, I'm shaking" in a really sarcastic way.

All throughout Iraq, these friends of freedom understand the stakes.

It's all about moustaches.

In the face of assassination, brutal violence and calculated intimidation, and that's just from the US forces, Iraqis continue to prepare for the elections and to campaign for their candidates.

They know what democracy will mean for their country: a bankrupting of their economy once their oil is sold cheap to Amercia, instability once the US forces are withdrawn, and generations of war. Hell, their used to it by now.

One resident of Baghdad said, "This election represents what is possible. To me, it's the start of a new life." At least that may have been what he said. It was in Arabic, so he could have been asking me where the bathroom was.

This election is also important for America, because under a strange constitutional reform I passed while recovering from the inauguration, in the event of my death or selection for American Idol, the new Iraqi leader gets my parking space.

And there is not a democratic nation in our world that threatens the security of the United States. Except France, who I swear are still up to something. I mean, their always speaking in French. It's suspicious, if you ask me.

As democracy takes hold in Iraq, America's mission there will continue. Not for long, because we'll bail out as soon as you all forget about it. We've got to attack Iran soon, and we're running out of army.

Of course, terrorist violence will not end with the election. In fact, since there were no credible links between al-Qaeda and Iraq, it'll probably have no impact whatsoever.

Over the past year, the world has seen successful elections in Afghanistan, Malaysia, Indonesia, Georgia, Ukraine, and the Palestinian territories. And unsuccesful ones in the United States and Australia.

This election will add to the momentum of democracy.

One Iraqi, speaking about the upcoming vote, said something in Arabic, which was probably "No more shellfish, I'm feeling quite seasick."

There's a message there for all Iraqis,

Every Iraqi who casts his or her vote deserves the admiration of the world, particularly if their hot.

And free people everywhere send their best wishes to the Iraqi people, thanks to Hallmarks' new "I hear you survived a suicide bombing on a polling booth" collection of cards.

Wish you were here,

GWB